In law troubles during pregnancy

[poppymatilda]

I'm hoping someone might have had a similar experience to me, feeling isolated and have nobody to talk to... sorry in advance for the long post...

My ILs have never been v involved with me and DH. I've known them 10 years and they've always been pleasant when we do see them but they never make much effort to arrange anything, invite us to their house etc. I've always made it easy for them I guess by making the effort to make arrangements to see them. That said, I thought they were nice people and cared about us both.

I've suffered from severe anxiety about pregnancy and we've delayed having children until our mid 30s because I wasn't sure how I'd cope with it. For various reasons, I'm now having a planned c section which has helped a lot and am seeing a lovely consultant who is really supportive.

What hasn't helped my anxiety is that I became pregnant in Jan 18, had an early miscarriage and and then became pregnant again straight away the next month.

At the v beginning DH and I discussed everything and decided we would be open with his parents about how I was feeling, what a big decision getting pregnant was for us, the miscarriage, the c section etc. DH spoke to them on the phone one day whilst I was out and said they were really understanding.

Then it all went wrong. We met up with them for dinner a few days after the phone call and FIL was awful. He tried to make me have an alcoholic drink I didn't want (I was 10 weeks pregnant), he said women shouldn't be allowed c sections by choice, they were much more dangerous etc. I was really taken aback and upset, particularly as I found out later that they'd been discussing me and my 'strange choices' with SIL and BIL before I arrived.

We were due to go on a family holiday with all ILs and extended family (DHs aunts, cousins etc) a couple of months later (at 18 weeks) and I was nervous about going in case I had another miscarriage. The holiday was on a small Greek island with no hospital. I said I would see how I felt but DH might come without me instead. At a family wedding FIL made a big issue about this in front of the wider family (who don't know about the miscarriage) saying it would be fine and I was worrying unnecessarily. He made me look like I was being a neurotic pregnant woman and he knew I couldn't explain the actual reason without telling everyone about the miscarriage.

I was really upset after that and decided not to go on the holiday not just because of my original worries but also because I thought FIL would just have a go at me the whole time and make me look silly in front of the extended family. DH went without me instead.

I also stopped doing all the running around to make arrangements to see them. They never made an effort to make a plan to see us.

FIL has since told DH that he no longer feels welcome in our home because of me and MIL has said she's never going to visit unless I specifically invite her. DH says he knows his dad's an idiot and always says the wrong thing but he doesn't mean it and I should just forget about it.

Trouble is, I can't. I'm now 33 weeks and have only seen them twice since the wedding, once meeting up for a meal in town and once at SILs house. They haven't visited our house at all. Truth is they've really broken my trust. Whilst we've not been particularly close I felt we could trust them and tell them the truth about the long discussions we've had and the choices we've made. Now I'm kicking myself and wishing we'd just lied to them. I'm dreading how they're going to be when the baby's born given how many opinions they've had about the pregnancy.

I know they need to be involved because she's going to be their grand daughter but I just don't know how to deal with it as the thought of them staying in our house makes me feel sick. They live 90 mins drive away so realistically they will need to stay to spend time with us.

Has anyone else encountered anything similar with ILs? How did you resolve it?

I dont think they need to know every decision etc u and ur husband make. You are married adults so theres no need to inform them of everything you two do & decide. Sounds like a little disagreement it might get better in time. You shoudn't always have to invite them effort goes both ways. Also its your husbands parents he doesnt want to be stuck in the middle , hope everything works out

90 mins drive away doesn’t mean staying overnight. If you didn’t have the space for them, what would they do? Mine are 90 mins away and come to spend 4-5 hours at a time.

I think you’re mostly disappointed that your relationship with your FIL and MIL isn’t what you thought it was. Now you know. Mourn what you thought you had, and try to enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Things often settle down once the baby arrives. See how it goes, don’t look too far ahead. Even you probably don’t know how you will feel.

Finally, your FIL probably does think you’re a neurotic pregnant woman. To me, he sounds like a boorish indiscreet gossip. Meh. A little bit of distance and having them over when you invite them might not be such a bad thing.

Thanks both. 7salmon, I think you've really hit the nail on the head - I kind of am mourning the fact that they didn't care as much about us as I thought they did! It's worse because my dad died a few years ago so FIL is the only grandad LO will have. But you're right I have to just accept it and move on.

Hopefully they won't be too enthusiastic to visit so me and DH can just get to grips with this parenthood lark without them interfering much at first.

Trouble is, DH is very big on everything being even so if we don't see much of them he'll be difficult about my mum coming even though she's no trouble and he gets on well with her. That doesn't really seem fair on her but I guess I just have to cross that bridge when I come to it

First, I agree with 7SalmonSwimming that your FIL probably does think you are a neurotic pregnant woman. But that shouldn’t bother you because you (and I and everyone that reads this thread) think he is an obnoxious oik who likes to gossip, interfere and stir trouble.

I don’t think you need to worry about their relationship with the baby. They will very quickly get over it when the baby arrives and they want to visit.

With regards to your DH wanting to keep things even, tell him that your mother is visiting because you invited her. His parents can visit when he invites them. That is keeping things even. If he quibbles, then have the discussion listing everything they have done to offend you and finish up by saying that he needs to act like a man and defend his wife.

Also, a note for the future - no more confiding in them. Yes, it sucks that you don’t have that kind of relationship with them anymore but at least you know where both you and they stand.

Thanks Uncreative.
I think I've been worrying too much. Why should everything be my responsibility?

If DH wants them to come he can invite them. If they want to see us they can ring up and suggest it. But they can't expect to treat me with zero respect and then me to keep rushing back to invite them over, arrange family gatherings for them to see their grand daughter etc. I think I've made too much effort with them from the start and they've come to expect it. If they think I'm a crap wife/mother/human being well so be it. I have to learn not to care.