Desperate

[lilly1987]

Hi ladies

Im so desperate that ive come here to look for reassurance.

My last pregnancy before this one had ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks. It as around 2.5 years ago.

This one doesnt look so good to me. And im so broken right now.

Last week on thursday, i bled a little and had cramps. But then the next day the bleeding stopped.

On monday it happened again, but no major cramps. I had my midwife appointment who said theres no point in going through with the whole midwife appointment and recommended i go to a n e. After going to a n e, they secured me an epu appointment on wednesday. The bleeding within that time was on off. And the day before the epu it was bleeding with period like blood clots.

The next day i was at epu, and i told them my midwife puts me at 10 weeks, but i know i cant be more than 7-8 weeks because we didnt have sex for a while due to other medical conditions.

They did an external and internal scan, and said im less than 6 weeks. My husband confirms he saw a sac with a yolk sac.

From then, ive been bleeding quite frequently. And im just so terrified. This is what happened last time.
When i go to toilet and i wipe, i see blood clots, that resemble a period. And i think to myself is this happening? I get mild cramps around my abdomen. It almost resembles trying to go to do a poo but not being able to. Im also quite farty as well. Today i woke up and wiped and it was minor blood and i was thinking okay, its coming to an end thats good. But then i went to the toilet again and the blood on the tissue was more, and my toilet water was red from the blood.

And i just broke down into tears. Because i can see the same thing happening. My cramps are not strong, but more of a noticeable pain around my abdomen, like you know your going to bave a stomach ache.

Im trying to carry on with my day, and keep my mind occupied but im so upset. My husband brings me food to eat and i dont want to eat it. I just want to cry. I promised myself i wouldnt get so attached to this pregnancy and i have broken that promise to myself and i just feel like ive failed as a person.

I suppose what threw me off was the fact that the scan says they couldnt see anything and i was so sure i was a bit more far gone. But when i did a clearblue test on the 30th august it said i was 1-2 weeks pregnant. And people have always told me to add two weeks to it. But my aunt says because you have irregular periods that doesnt work for you. So it does actually work out that with clear blue i could be less than 6 weeks.

Im just so lost as a person, i feel as though i shouldnt continue to live my daily life. I should stay at home and prepare for the worst. But the days are long and each day feels like ten and i just cant handle it anymore.

This is all a bit of mess of what i wrote but i cant think straight so nothing is coming out straight. I just want some reassurance or an explanation as to why the blood keeps happening? And have someone else been through what i am going through and the outcome turns out okay.

@lilly1987 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't want to get your hopes up, because it doesn't sound good to be honest.
But a friend of mine, went through multiple IVF attempts over 10 years, finally got pregnant with twins, she bled throughout the entire pregnancy. And was convinced she wouldn't end up with a baby. But both twins are now at school.
I really hope you have a positive outcome xx

@lilly1987 I'm glad your DH is being so supportive but I think you might need more help with the way this is affecting your mental health. If your midwife isn't able to do more at the moment, please talk to your GP about how you're feeling.

You haven't failed as a person and you aren't doing anything wrong by caring about this. I have everything crossed for you.

Thankyou both for your kind words.

Im still bleeding, and the blood seems like period blood with period sized blood clots. But the cramping has gone. Just a small dull pain. So far nothing like last time where i passed huge clots. But again im keeping an open mind. The same way that every pregnancy is different, im very well aware every miscarriage is different.

I also have some small pain in my upper stomach, between my boobs and belly button, like i cant tie a dressing gown around me because i feel like im going to explode. Which i think im bloating.

I also have a raw feeling from when im wiping down there.

Im going to give up the fizzy drinks for a few days and try and eat less junk food.

Ive already come to terms with it possibly not going to happen. I still cry occasionally and still get upset and depressed.

I really do appreciate my husband, he was meant to go back to his home city tomorrow because his family are getting married abroad and he was meant to be back on tuesday but hes told me hes not going anymore. Its such a huge thing hes cancelled going to his familys wedding because he wants to stay and support me. And i feel blessed to have him right now.

My mother keeps telling me to go to the hospital, i said if its a miscarriage there is nothing they can do. What i am experiencing now is classic miscarriage symptoms. Last time i went to the hospital, i waited 6 hours for someone to tell me my pregnancy wasnt going to be viable. I dont want to wait there for god knows how long to be told the same thing again. My last miscarriage started at home, and i would rather be at home in my own environment. If it happens it happens, its not in my hands anymore. All i can do is rest and just try and eat healthy and take my vitamins to make sure that if it is going to be viable im helping my baby.

Have you taken a new pregnancy test? That's how I confirmed my miscarriage. Sorry you're going through this.

I'm so sorry.

Give 111 a call and they'll arrange for you to see a doctor at a certain time rather than waiting in a and e. They won't be able to scan but can give advice and arrange for you to see epu on Monday xxx

Op I’m so sorry. I just wanted to send you some virtual hugs.
It’s awful isn’t it. As much as you want the pregnancy to be ok and viable, at the same time, if it’s inevitable that it’s going to end, then you just want it to be quick. Lingering on is the worst feeling.
I was the same in my miscarriage. It went on for ages and I just wanted it to be over.
As much as I want to give you hope (and there always is until it’s been confirmed otherwise) it doesn’t sound good. But lots of people bleed throughout pregancy. Like PP said.
I do think you need to see someone though about your mental health. What your feeling and how your feeling is absolutely normal so don’t be embarrassed or feel ashamed. (Hell I should know, it sent me to rock bottom)
But for your own sake, there is even a miscarriage helpline you can call. They are lovely and you don’t have to see someone face to face.
Have the EPU booked you another scan?Because the thing you need to make sure of (if it is a miscarriage) is that the miscarriage is complete. And it doesn’t sound like it is. X

Can you get back in with the EPU? Mine were amazing when I had my MMC. They did 2 scans a week apart to confirm. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this

Thankyou ladies. Ive been quite emotional.

I do have a counsellor for other reasons for depression and anxiety. I had an appointment on friday but i didnt go because it slipped my mind. But if its nhs counsellor and i didnt turn up they might just take me off the list because i didnt go a few weeks before due to pregnancy sickness. But i will try and rearrange another appointment with her.

My husband is convinced the internal and external scan did something that triggered this.

When i went to the epu, they told me the person, who would be doing my scan was training, and was i happy to go through it? I said thats fine. The man who did my external scan, was very rough with the instrument on my abdomen. It felt very painful, not as painful as i remember it and i have had some scans around my abdomen recently too so i know its not me forgetting how painful it was. Even the lady at one point said don't push too hard. The internal scan hurt at the beginning as if someone was taking my virginity but then it went in fine. But after that scan, i have been bleeding non stop and having blood clots that are no bigger in width that are £2 or 50p that only come out when i go for a pee.

My husband is convinced of malpractice on the trainees part. But i think hes looking for something to blame. I also cant help but think that they may have done something because before that i had small cramps that came and went and bleeding that also came and went. But after my scan its all just stuck around like a period. But again its just trying to blame someone.

My biggest struggle with all this is going back to my life the way it was. Going back to work (especially if anyone has seen my other thread on my boss being a dick to me) i feel like i cant go back to my life the way it was. It doesn't feel right. I booked a holiday in dubai with my brother in November well before i found out about the pregnancy. My husband said i should go to make me feel better, but i feel so guilty in going, i feel guilty in living my life now.

I just feel lost and broken.

How are you feeling OP? X x x