Advice about a cheating partner

[GeorgieGirl66]

Hi,

I don't know if this is the correct forum for this subject. If not, please feel free to move it or delete it.

I'm just looking for a bit of support and insight if anyone has any to offer. And I just feel like I need to vent about this, so.. sorry!

In June I discovered my partner of 12 years had been in contact with an ex-girlfriend, chatting online and texting in an inappropriate way for someone who is supposed to be in a committed relationship. To cut a very long story short, there were lots of discussions and tears, etc but he said he didn't want us to break up and promised he would end it. At the same time he took steps to make sure I couldn't check up on him as well (changing his phone key code lock, etc). She lives in France and we're in the UK, so they haven't met although I know she was pushing for meeting up.

In July I fell pregnant (I'm 11, nearly 12 weeks now) and this seemed to actually be the saviour of us. He told his ex about it and she sent a horrible message to me (out of the blue - I've never met or spoken to her before) basically telling me he was in love with her and accusing me of lying about being pregnant. I showed him the message and he later told me they (he and her) had had an argument about it and he'd cut communication with her.

For a few weeks it's been fine. We've been like we used to be, getting along very well and making plans for the future. However, I still had the feeling he was 'hiding' his phone from me (taking it with him when he left a room, etc, even though I can't access it now) but I was trying not to let my paranoia run away with me. Today I was on his laptop and noticed from his browser history (I went on to look for something else) he'd been searching/ordering things from Amazon France, and there is no need to order from Amazon France unless they were for her.

To add more woe to this, I've just started a little "spotting" in the last 12 hours which I'm trying not to panic about. I've told my partner about that but not confronted him about what I found and now suspect - that he's still in contact with his ex.

I don't know what to think. Or do. I don't want us to split up, not least because of the pregnancy but I can't understand why he's doing what he's doing. There was opportunity before I fell pregnant for us to split up if that's what he wanted, so I don't understand why he would tell me he wanted to stay with me and for us then to get into this situation but then carry on with his ex. Although we've been together quite a long time and have a house and business together (another problem - for us to split up would mean I'd lose my job too as I work for my partner), this is our first child. My 12 week scan is next week.

Thank you.

Sorry for such a long post too.

I think you know in your gut that he's still in contact. It certainly sounds that way.

You need to sit him down and tell him this. You gave him the chance to leave and yet he's been entirely disrespectful to you by carrying on.

Just say it all very calmly. You gave him the chance to rectify this situation.

Are you in a position to leave? Do you want to stay with him after this... again?

I feel so sorry for you. Although my partner never physically cheated I did catch him messaging someone else and this was 6 weeks after I had given birth. We have since moved on from this (a year and a half later) but I am still very paranoid.

If your partner is still being cautious with his phone there’s a good chance he has something to hide. Is there no way u could get into it? Can you access his emails at all that would show any amazon orders?

What an awful situation you've found yourself in. I'm so sorry.

First things first. You can ring your GP/Maternity unit and tell them that you're bleeding. They'll probably invite you in for a scan. You don't have to wait a week worrying about your baby. I really hope that everything is okay

It's pretty obvious that he is still in touch with his ex. All he's done is said the right things about cutting contact with her whilst being much more careful with his phone. Changing passwords and lock codes and carrying your phone around all the time are not the actions of an innocent man. It's the actions of a careful man.

Do you want to be in relationship with someone you don't trust? Raise a child with them?

You have some pretty big life decisions ahead of you OP, but you don't have to settle for this life. For a man who doesn't respect you.

Thank you for your replies.

@PlinkPlink If I were to leave, I would have to go to my parents house. There isn't anywhere else really. We work together so I would lose my job as well, which is kind of secondary to everything else but still a worry. I do want to stay and not give up on us, but I don't want to stay in the same situation if that makes sense. There has to be an infinite number of times we go through the same cycle, I can't do it forever.

@Supermummy06 I'm sorry - it sounds like you were in a similar situation and you could drive yourself crazy with the paranoia. I can't access his phone at all, but I can see his emails. I've checked a few times but found nothing, but I suppose they wouldn't need to email each other - they can text and talk on things like whatsapp.

@Unicornsparkles Thank you - with regards to the spotting, it was a tiny bit last night. It'd stopped this morning. I was going to see if there was anymore before I made a doctors appointment. And yes, do I (can I) raise a child with someone who does this? That's the question.

My heart goes out to you, it's an awful experience to go through... but, you already know the answer to this question in my opinion.

Trust has been broken and from personal experience will never be regained, no matter he tells you.. you'll always wonder .. late home from work, call at an odd time etc etc.. it will always be in the back of your mind!

No one deserves to feel that way, if one person, for whatever reasons can't fully commit to a relationship, they arnt worth being in said relationship with.

I understand that being pregnant makes this situation so much tricker, but easier now than later.

I'm very black and white and my love isn't to be messed with so others may not agree with me.. but I'd rather be a single mum than in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful in any form.. your worth is more than that!

Hugs and bravery for you xx

Well he's still in touch with his ex - I've been in your shoes in that respect and your instincts are spot on.

But deal with the baby first. Focus on the scan. Spotting is quite normal in the first trimester but you will worry until you know it's fine. Yes - see if you can get a scan any earlier.

Then after that you will have some.massive decisions to make. Remember though- this is your whole life you're talking about. Don't settle for a guy who you'll always been suspicious of. There are other jobs and homes and men out there. And you CAN do this alone.

Any bleeding should be reported to your midwife. Please attend to this first. That your priority.
Deal with him later. I’m sorry you have this worry. X

I wouldn’t trust anyone who kept his phone locked so I couldn’t access it. If he had nothing to hide then he wouldn’t be hiding it and changing the lock code.

I think he wants the stability of family life, home, business etc. with you and the excitement of messaging his ex as well.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope whatever you decide to do things work out ok for you and your baby.

This is awful. Its difficult because everyone has different boundaries and behaviours they will accept. In a past relationship, I was so blinded I knew my partner was cheating and I allowed myself to believe him, purely because I didn't want to lose him. He had an excuse for everything and I always said: "Why would I throw it away without solid proof". But, I weren't happy. When we split (because he had actually met someone else in the end), he was very honest with me and told me all the times I suspected him, I was right and he made me feel like a phsyco out of defence.

If someone will cheat, show interest in getting to know another person, they arent interested in you. Its that simple. You have to find your self worth to appreciate that you shouldnt waste time even thinking that this is what you deserve because you dont. He told me that after all the times he got away with it, he didnt even respect me anymore. That he saw me as a doormatt. Believe it or not it was the best thing he ever done, being that honest with me.

My advice would be to leave him, EASIER said than done, but you'll never look back once you break out of the vicious circle you're in. THe pregnancy is a hard factor but your insecurities will ONLY grow once you dont feel yourself because your a bit bigger, too tired to do your hair etc.

For your own sanity, happiness and self-worth - I would bring the baby up alone. It will have a better effect on the baby growing up IMPO. Spend your pregnancy appreciating what you as a person are doing, growing this beautiful life, how amazing you are. Get your hair done, make yourself fall in love with yourself and I dunno... I am rabbiting but I feel so strongly about cheating bastards!!

If the ex wasnt in France, would he have stayed with you? Without seeming harsh, you seem like me in my past relationship. I gave him a roof over his head, so he stayed. Not because of me.

@italianshark has some great advice.

"I can't understand why he's doing what he's doing. There was opportunity before I fell pregnant for us to split up if that's what he wanted, so I don't understand why he would tell me he wanted to stay with me and for us then to get into this situation but then carry on with his ex."

He's doing it because

• he's selfish
• he thinks he's a genius because he's tricking you
• he's changed his passcodes so he knows you can't check
• he thinks he can do what he wants and you'll take it.

I really don't mean to be harsh, but trust me, this man is selfish and doesn't care. He knows you have to stay because of the business and he's taking advantage. My advice - get out of there before the baby arrives (and don't look back!!)