Failed as a dad even before birth

[anxiousman]

This is a strange one, but baby is due in just a few days. There has been a lot of anxiety about the baby and the baby size, as she is underweight. Everything seemed fine, but could not really find some reasons for her to be underweight, possibly leading to mother being induced in a few days.

I am a bit on the anxious side and my wife is more relaxed, but I have to my horror found out that our neighbours in the apartment below smoke more then I thought. I'm not at home so often so was not tracking, but as I spend more time here, I'm noticing more the smoking. Perhaps due to summer, its been coming in through the window more then usual.

I warned the Mrs, but she likes the windows open, so the neighbours below who smoke onto their balcony, some comes up and I can notice it, not all the time. But what worries me now is connecting the issue of small baby, my inability to get the Mrs to close the doors, and also my late realisation they smoke more then first even estimated by me being at home more. Of course the neighbours won't stop smoking, but I only feel better by venting my anger at them. Ironically they have an infant, and smoke on their balcony. Perhaps they are less sensitive because they feel they are shutting out the harm, but that harm comes to us.

I created another thread, about the smoking, first me, having a cigar outdoor, but since then I've realised more and more about the issues at home rather then one offs. Now I've switched from anxiety into quite a depression about the harm that baby, because you read so many things about the dangers and SHS and effects on development, especially brain development. My big fear is that we have harmed our child and I did not do enough early enough to get this problem resolved or even move about from these awful people below.

So already the excitement has now morphed into one of stressed depression as I really fear the birth and any damage to baby and her potential caused by living here and for that I really blame myself.

Stop beating yourself up - you have nothing to blame yourself for. You certainly haven't failed as a father. Your wife seems to know about the smoking and she isn't apparently bothered about it, so take your lead from her.

Pssst don't tell anybody, but I smoked like a stack all through both my pregnancies and had two big healthy babies who are now big healthy adults . Smoking / second hand smoke may not be ideal for growing babies, but honestly it's not the end of the world that your wife is getting the occasional whiff of smoke.

No doubt you are stressing about the coming baby - try to lighten up. It won't do you or your wife any good to be uptight about every little thing. Take your wife out for dinner - or for a walk - or a coffee. Remind her how much you love her, and how you are looking forward to being someone's Dad. She'll appreciate that more than you worrying about things that you can't do anything about.

And best wishes to you and your wife !

I had two premature babies and did not smoke ever! I honestly think your just so anxious your trying to think of a reason for baby being small. it would be highly unlikely that the smoke from your neighbours is getting to your baby. You have certainly not failed as a father. you are already a great dad for being so concerned about your baby however try calm it down a bit as the stress it will cause between you and ure Mrs will be more harmful than the smoke.

I had twins who were quite small. Legs like my fingers, bony little bums. Feet half the length of my thumb. They were swamped in premature clothing. Nappies the size of playing cards. Four months on and they are butter-fat.
Maybe do some shopping for some tiny baby clothes and try to go easy on yourself. In our grandparents' generation, it was a very smoky world. Babies were fed Carnation milk and parked outside in prams to roar or sleep as they wished. Nobody knew about tummy time or wonder weeks or the fourth trimester. Most people survived very well indeed.

I said this on your last thread: you really need to speak to someone and get some support. The anxiety you've reported feeling previously is really disproportionate and you're becoming fixated. Sometimes babies are small, sometimes babies are big. That's just life.

You need to focus your energies on supporting your partner and preparing for your new baby to enter the world. If you're in a state of stressed depression over this, that is going to affect your wife during a tough time for her.

Let it go.

What @Celebelly said.

This minimal contact with second hand smoke isn't an issue. Your anxiety is. And you need to speak to a professional about it so you can support your wife and not let this overwhelm you both when baby arrives

I agree with the previous posters. You really need to speak to someone regarding your anxiety. That anxiety will do more harm to you and your family than a little bit of second hand smoke.

I can hardly walk down the street without having to pass through smokers’ puffs and it’s doing my baby no harm.

There are so many reasons that the baby could be a little small. It could just be a small baby! They do happen, particularly in smaller women (obviously I don’t know what size your wife is!)

Also, take the estimated weights with a pinch of salt. It’s not an exact science.

All the best to you and your wife.

Thank you for all the kind words. It does help, trying to put things into perspective and you @Celebelly, yes I need to find a way to let it go. It's not easy and I'm spending quite a lot of time thinking about this and baby is due any moment now. So we are waiting. I'm still in my mind going through all the cases and trying to assess how much smoke has been coming in (as I didn't realise how much they smoke downstairs) because I am not here much of the time. We do get some coming in and the Mrs with the hot weather had the doors open, and I'm not convinced that she could smell the smoke but was still exposed to it. What makes it worse is knowing that they refused to close the doors to avoid the smoke. This makes me rather annoyed and frustrated. You hear so many things about SIDS and damage to the baby even in the womb and I'm now totally fixated on this. I know any potential damage may have been done, but I'm just terrified that we will have complications (other then a small baby) and I'll have to live with this guilt for not doing enough...for example we cannot lock the doors and windows, but I really wish I had them screwed shut, because clearly my advice seemed futile. I want to blame the Mrs a bit, but really I blame myself.

Please please go see your GP. Yes your concerns are based on some evidence, but your response and preoccupation with this is vastly disproportionate to the actual risks. Is sounds like this is impacting on every accept of your life, which is a good indicator of something being a MH problem, rather than an everyday/normal worry that people cope with. Please please get some support.

You cannot turn the clock back, the exposure does sound minimal.
Perhaps focussing on this is avoiding focus on the birth, which is where your mind needs to be now.
Look at being a good birth partner. There's a lot of guilt with being a parent, wondering if you have done your best, learn to accept that we can only do so much. Some things are beyond out control. 💚

The amount of exposure your wife would have had is minimal and therefore the amount that would have filtered through to your baby is negligible.

How big are they predicting baby to be? How tall is your wife?

My friend lives out in the countryside, very healthy and fit, chilled home birth in due date etc. Baby was tiny, barely 6lb - she's a right little chunk now, smart and funny. Honestly they really can catch up.

Please don't blame yourself or your wife. She's grown that baby from an egg and a sperm!! A bit of second hand smoke isn't going to cause an issue, and you can't expect her to sit in a boiling flat with all the windows closed, that really would have made her poorly.

Speak to your GP, for all your sakes