Telling family and I’m still so anxious something will go wrong

[AwkwardAsAllGetout]

I wonder if anyone has any words of wisdom. I’m 12 weeks today and we’re going out for lunch with my family, which is a rare thing as my brother and sister are rarely home anymore. It seems like the perfect time to tell everyone. I know dh can’t wait to tell our news. Our proper scan is next week, but I’ve had three already, one just a few days ago, and everything seems fine. But we’ve had 2 losses, 1 bad one physically and emotionally. I hadn’t realised just how much that had affected me until this pregnancy. I feel like I’m not allowing myself to feel happy, or even consider that this is going to end happily. I’ve told a few friends and they’ve been so happy for me, but it makes me feel like a fraud that I’m not happy. The thought of telling anyone and getting congratulated is making me a bit tearful. I’m going to speak to my midwife next week as I know these feelings aren’t right, and I’m starting to feel quite isolated by them. I know I should be happy but I’m still so afraid something will go wrong. Is it better just to admit to those feelings when everyone asks me if I’m excited? I don’t want to plaster on a smile and pretend everything’s ok

I should add, my parents we’re wonderful after my last miscarriage (hehbdont know about a previous, early one) so even if things did go wrong I know they’d want to help.

I've been in the same situation. In the end I came to the conclusion that although something could go wrong, I'd rather have the support of family/friends and while I was pregnant be able to enjoy and relish those moments x

I know these feelings aren’t right, and I’m starting to feel quite isolated by them.

I think it sounds quite normal given the experience you went through! I felt exactly the same way with this pregnancy after 2 previous miscarriages. DH ended up telling his family & friends around weeks 10-12 and I found the congratulations really difficult to deal with. I avoided telling most of my friends until week 20-24 and would have left it even longer if it hadn't become so obvious already.

I think the problem is that for most people, they hear a pregnancy announcement and they're basically congratulating you on the healthy baby that will be here in 6 months time. However if YOU'RE the one pregnant, you know how many anxious moments there are in a day...checking the toilet paper each time you're on the loo, worrying about every twinge of pain etc. This make time pass impossibly slow, and combined with a couple of scares in between (bleeding, emergency scans whatnot), the distance between now and birth seems impossibly far away.

I only admitted to a few close friends that I felt difficult enjoying the congratulations before I knew everything was out of the woods. They were really kind about it, and avoided giving me baby clothes or gifts too early. With other relatives, I didn't want to be a downer so I gratefully accepted their gifts but kept everything mostly out of sight until I'm ready to arrange the nursery which probably will be well into third trimeser.

Just wanted to add that it DOES get better. I felt worst before week 18 since that's the time when you can't really feel anything and you don't know if everything is ok. After week 20, you will start feeling more and more movement, which really helps to get rid of anxiety and allow you to enjoy the pregnancy!

I was the same, two losses and anxiety haunted me my entire third (and successful) pregnancy. I hated telling people too. I got round my family by messaging them and telling them and then saying I didn't really want to talk about it and they were great, they knew about my losses so understood. I kept it from work until I was 20 weeks and didn't publicise I was pregnant at all until I'd had the baby. I didn't like talking about being pregnant because it felt like tempting fate so I largely avoided the topic as much as possible. I didn't feel guilty about not enjoying being pregnant but I did feel sad that the excitement was stolen from me because of my previous experiences. If a big announcement makes you feel anxious don't do it, maybe just tell your parents and ask them to spread the word amongst close family? What you're feeling is very normal, you'll find lots of women who have had miscarriages feel this way. It's natural if something bad happens that you'd be anxious of it happening again. You have nothing to feel guilty about, just take things a day at a time and don't push yourself to do things that make you more worried would be my advice.