Partner convincing herself she has miscarried with no evidence

[MM79]

Help! Please! My girlfriend had a positive pregnancy test on 31/8 which indicated 2-3 weeks, on 10/9 she had another done that said 3+. She has had a couple of bleeds with dark blood, seems like old blood and quite normal ish, first time she has fallen pregnant, seems to be convincing herself the worst, understand a miscarriage is a possibility. We went for a reassurance scan on Wednesday, the sonographer said the sac was perfectly formed, but couldn’t see a heartbeat. My partner has irregular periods (this was news to me, but as a bloke we don’t know much). The sonographer said she saw what she would expect of a pregnancy 5-6 weeks. My girlfriends last period was around 2/8. She has convinced herself she is no longer pregnant and as you can understand is incredibly upset. It is a possibility, but we don’t know anything either way, she tells me being negative and sad is her way of handling it, I know it’s incredibly tough for her, and for me as well, but I am doing my best, but doesn’t seem to be helping, especially when she tells me there is no point being positive. We don’t know either way, any words of wisdom you can help with me with please? Next scan not for 2 weeks when likely to be 7-8 weeks. Thank you

Waiting between scans when you are expecting bad news is horrible. I think you have to be kind and gentle around her and let her deal with the waiting in her own way. Can you find yourself some RL support in the meantime? Your mum or sister maybe?
There is nothing you can say to give her certainty at the moment. There is nothing either of you can do to change whatever the outcome will be. All you can do is be gentle with each other and patient.

I think it’s unfair to say ‘no evidence’! She has bled and while lots of bleeding ends positively many many many episodes don’t. Also you had a scan and didn’t see a heartbeat (for comparison I did see one at 6 weeks but I know not everyone does). So it isn’t as if she is anxious without any reason.

I don’t have words of wisdom but it may well be she knows her body (I could tell I had miscarried from subtle symptoms) or it may be that she is thinking the worst. Whatever it might be I think your role is not to be relentlessly positive but to support her in whatever way she wants to be supported.

Let her be sad. If it’s her way to deal with it. In a slightly different situation but I’ve got a two week wait for another ultrasound and Despite bring told the results would probably be fine I’m on edge bracing myself for bad news.

I think unfortunately you just have to wait it out, sorry you're in this situation.

I’ve been in this position. My husband was trying to be positive and tell me there was still hope. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I was worried and trying to prepare myself for the worst.

From someone who has been there, please take her lead on this. I know this is tough for you too and you have my sympathy but it is worse for her. It is her body.

I really hope that you see a healthy, sticky baby at the next ultrasound. 💐

I was the same as your girlfriend when I bled and it seemed like there was nothing my boyfriend could say to make me feel better. I convinced myself that there is no baby just to avoid the disappointment on the day of the scan (even though it would still hurt me) but that was sort of my defence mechanism. I had a early scan the other day which showed my little bean with a heartbeat and I’m 7 weeks 4 days instead of 8 weeks 3 days like I predicted, but honestly just hang in there I know how hard it is to stay positive but it’s a 50/50 chance and I’ll have my fingers crossed for you to have a wonderful outcome!

Hi, can you go to an EPU and have her HCG monitored? If they are going up she will know she is still pregnant without waiting 2 weeks for scan

EPU = early pregnancy unit

I’m sorry, this limbo is hellish to go through.

You both have different ways of dealing with it and neither your nor her way is wrong. What seems to you like her putting herself through misery for no reason might to her feel a good way of preparing herself for the possibility of bad news. It isn’t something you need to fix or can fix.

I hope your next scan brings good news.

Your help is a massive help at a difficult time, just hate seeing her in tears every day, appreciate its a way of coping, but the bleeding isn’t heavy and isn’t continual, just occasional. Will keep my fingers crossed and continue to do my best. Thank you

I bled through all three of my pregnancies and have two children with one arriving in a couple of weeks- please don’t loose hope! It really would be worth getting her HCG levels checked

Some women experience bleeding in pregnancy and it’s fine. Some women have a light bleed and it’s called a missed miscarriage. Basically the miscarriage has happened but everything stays.

She probably be looking at those sorts of things like not bleeding might not feel reassuring.

Just want to say I hope all works out okay - you sound like a really nice caring guy. Let her deal with the uncertainty in her own way and look after her- let her cry to you etc. However, at the same time, this is your baby too and I think people often forget that it misscarriage can impact on a man just as much. If your way of dealing with the limbo is to be positive and optimistic, stick with that. Maybe find someone else to support you other than your partner though- do you have a sibling you can talk to about this? Any way- the days will go by slowly but you will soon know! Good luck!

Fingers crossed some positive news today, the sac has increased in size and the perfectly round circle has changed on the scan to looking like a diamond ring. This is in a few days. Fingers crossed, nerve wracking times, need to go back in a week. Massively appreciate all your responses. Confirmed changes gives us hope but this being our first pregnancy, we are keen to learn from others knowledge. Thank you

Oh good! Glad things are looking positive. I do hope news is good in a week!