Giving birth - partner with ASD

[WhereIsThisGoing]

I'm now entering the third trimester, so starting to think about giving birth.

My DH has ASD, high functioning and we can normally cope just fine with the challenges that brings. I'm a bit concerned about childbirth though. He doesn't cope well with stressful situations with strangers involved and he doesn't deal well with me being sick/sad as "he doesn't know how to make it better" and struggles very much with "not knowing what to do" as he puts it. To top it all off, he's extremely squeamish (goes down at the sight of blood).

I'm hoping to give birth in a MLU and I 've offered him the option of just not being there (waiting outside), but he wants to be there for me, which is sweet and very much up to him (this may just be that he knows the "correct" behaviour is to be at the birth of your child - rather than actually wanting to be there, I'm still trying to figure that one out).

This is probably a long shot, but does anyone have experience with this situation and how did you handle it? Even just tips for a (very) squeamish partner would be much appreciated. Would he for example be able to just sit by my head and are there any "jobs" I could give him so he feels more like he knows what to do?

Sounds just like my other half. I had him and my friend with me at the birth. My friend was hands on and great support so when he was restless or if it was getting a bit much he could go outside and chill out. We planned it like that, and he liked that I had someone else there to support me, and him too.

Could you help to prepare him by watching birth videos together? The trouble with birthing a baby is it's unpredictable, which is not great for ASD! What about having a second birth partner who could support you both?

Could he be in charge of snacks or music?

I think you need to concentrate on you and not your partner as you’re the one giving birth ! He’s doing the easy bit. Figure out what would help you which might mean another birth partner being there who will be able to support you. When you’re in labour I’ll doubt you’ll be focusing on his needs. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are the number one priority

I’ve no direct experience but i think he would find even a straightforward birth very stressful. My DP just helped by offering lucozade regularly and cutting the cord. Not much else he could do! I was in the zone and not really aware of him.
He doesn’t have ASD but doesn’t look back fondly on the experience! He isn’t what I call squeamish but it was hard for him to feel useless and see just how messy it is.
Even away from the business end of a pretty normal delivery with a 1st degree tear was very gory! I was actually really surprised at the amount of blood and I didn’t lose that much blood.
I would suggest a second partner for delivery. They can support you and if your DH needs to go then you still have someone with you. Just reassure him prebirth that it is ok if he needs to go. He can always come back just before crowning if he wants to be there for the baby’s arrival.

Have you been to any antinatal classes together to prepare? If so how did he find it? Can you go on a visit to the MLU together. It might help him feel more prepared as he will know what to expect.

You can't really prepare for birth as you don't know what to expect or how the birth will go. He might do better than you expect. There is a good book called from Here to Maternity which is about being a Mum on the autism spectrum. I am not sure if there is anything from the dads point of view.

My brother has asd. He wanted to be at the birth of his child and spent a while watching videos before so that he had an idea what to expect. He almost treated it like a scientific experiment so was able to tell her when he thought that she had started transitions etc. His partner said that it was quite comforting having him able to explain things as she went. He was really pleased that he managed so well throughout.
The only slight difficulty, which I explained to him over the phone during the labour, was that he found it hard when his partner didn’t want him to touch her. He was trying to rub her back to comfort her and a contraction started. Understandably she didn’t want to be touched.
It might be worth going over things like that.

Thank everyone, I hadn't considered having a second birth partner, but it sounds like maybe I should.

He is coming with me to antenatal classes and I've gotten him a few books so he can feel like he knows a bit more what is going on. I might even lift the ban on statistics for the delivery (he REALLY likes statistics, which I've banned him from sprouting for the duration of my pregnancy, because I do not need to hear the risks of everything all the time!).

Overall I agree I need to keep reminding him that this is just going to be unpredictable and he should prepare for that to the best of his ability. Especially the suggestion of warning him I may not like to be touched/be nice to him during labour is a good one, that will be very confusing to him.

DH is very squeamish and most likely has HFA (can't be bothered pursuing a diagnosis at nearly 40).

I had MIL as a second birth partner to support both of us. I was rather out of it but not having to worry how he was coping was helpful.

Obviously not everyone wants their MIL at their birth - but I would recommend taking someone you both trust if there is such a person.

My DD gave birth to my DGS 12 days ago and initially, I was just going to "be around" in the hospital incase I was needed, but not at the birth, to give them some alone time/space. My DD is on the spectrum and her bf has anxiety and doesn't cope well in stressful situations. In the end my daughter had a bit of a traumatic birth, so I ended up being with them from start to finish. Her bf stayed by her head and was relatively silent and at one point I had to give him a hug as he was getting upset that my DD was having such a bad time. But he was present and held her hand. I was at the other end and I cut my DGS cord as her bf was too squeamish. I'm glad that I stayed, as I like to think that I was supportive to both of them, so maybe a second trusted birth partner may help? Good luck xo