Feel like I’m doing everything wrong!

[targaryen1]

Hi all, maybe I’m just hormonal I don’t know. I’m 26 weeks but throughout my entire pregnancy I’ve felt guilty about everything I do. Firstly my biggest worry is I still haven’t completely quit smoking. I can go days without, but when it’s there I find it so hard to to turn down. Then I feel so awful I want to curl up in a ball and cry! I’m always under pressure to get enough sleep, if I don’t I feel guilty. If I drink a can of coke once in a while, I feel guilty. If I don’t have enough fruit and veg in one day I feel guilty.
I just feel so bad for my baby all the time and worry constantly he’s not getting what he needs! I’m constantly walking around with this thought in my head of ‘you’re not doing good enough for your baby’ and it’s killing me.

Is this normal and can I make it stop? I’ve changed my lifestyle so much for my son but I still feel like I’m just not doing good enough for him :(

I know exactly how you are feeling. In my first 12 weeks i was smoking and eating poorly and feeling extremely guilty about it. When i saw my baby at my first scan i swapped smoking for an ecig and completely changed my diet. I then found myself constantly feeling guilty about the ecig as its not completely safe and any type of smoking should be avoided in pregnancy. I carried on miserably until my 20 week scan, then again, once i saw my baby i came home and completely gave up the ecig. I'm not judging you in any way shape or form, I've been exactly where you are. In the nicest way possible the only way to stop this guilt is to change what you are doing for the better. Some people will tell you to not feel guilty as its hard, and thats understandable but you shouldn't take that kind of reassurance and use it as an excuse to carry on your bad habits, its exactly what i did and the guilt still remained. I don't intend this message to come across as mean towards you as there are some quite harsh people on this site, I'm just trying to give you the truth that sometimes people are too scared to do in case they cause offence. Hope you can overcome this and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy stress free 😊

I wouldn't feel guilty about not quite eating enough fruit and veg - but you know you shouldn't be smoking at all. Have you read 'Expecting better'? It's by an American economist who looks at the evidence behind all the recommendations that bombard us during pregnancy and comes to the conclusion that a bit of sushi is fine, the occasional glass of wine is fine, the occasional paracetamol if you need it is fine and you should generally listen to your body - but there is no amount of smoking that is fine. Might give you the impetus you need to quit totally.

I just want to add that the odd can of coke is not likely to harm your baby, or not eating enough fruit and veg like the person above has mentioned 😁 if you feel like you and your baby aren't getting enough of what you need maybe try pregnancy vitamins like pregnacare ?

Honestly the only thing in your list worth expending worry about is smoking. Sleep doesn't matter, coke is fine, fruit and veg are nice but don't matter for baby's development. Smoking does though.

You say you can't resist it if you're around it, so can you make sure you're never around it? Have you talked to your midwife about stopping?

That sounds really tough OP.

It can be so hard to work out what is in the realm of 'normal' or common and what is maybe a bit of antenatal anxiety.

Please be assured that baby will be fine with your diet. Baby will take all it needs from you Though, so it's really important you take prenatal or multi-vitamins for yourself.

Caffeine is not too much of a concerns unless you are necking loads every day.
There is some info re the actual recommended amounts on nhs website I think.

Smoking is clearly not great, but if you are just having get occasional one, it's not as bad a smoking full time! Please do talk to your midwife about it though. They can get you too see someone and you can get inhalators, patches or nicotine tabs for when the urge is overwhelming.

Do you find you are a natural worrier/analyser?
Either way, I think it could be helpful for you to chat to MW about hen frequency and level of worry/guilt/anxiety you are experiencing.

There is almost certainly a hormonal element to the emotional response to the thoughts you are having, but that does not mean you have to just get on with it

There is support out there

The only thing worth feeling guilty about (and concentrating on stopping if at all possible) is still smoking. That's not to rag on you and make you feel bad, but sleep, less-than-optimal diet, and a bit of caffeine is really nothing to worry about. Smoking on the other hand is really not ideal... I'd urge you to seek help to stop, for YOUR sake as much as the baby's TBH. Plus there is the ongoing health of your child to consider; being exposed to secondhand smoke once their born won't be good for them either.
Talk to your midwife, they're there to help, not judge and you won't be the first smoking pregnant woman they've come across. Good luck OP!