On a downward spiral

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I’m in such a state. I’ve posted on here loads in the last 24 hours as I’m becoming obsessed.

I am due in just under 5 weeks and I’m terrified. It’s my first baby and I can’t sleep , eat or think. I suffer with really bad anxiety anyway so I’m under a specialist mental health Midwife.
I have requested an elective c section due to my fear of being out of control. I thought this was the best option until I started reading up on all the cons as well (I have an appointment to discuss it properly on Friday with the consultant). These ‘cons’ consist of the spinal not working so needing to be put under GA (which is also a huge fear of mine), the spinal stops working during the procedure meaning you start to feel pain (horrifying). Also the risk of infection e.g. sepsis. Blood pressure dropping during the op and even cardiac arrest on the table.

However, the natural birth is so scary to me as well. I’ve never had an internal examination as it’s a huge phobia of mine. I’m also worried I won’t be listened to during the labour and they just carry on doing what they want to me, despite my protestations.
I’m terrified of forceps, instrumental delivery in general...and being cut/tearing.
I know I’m carrying a big baby too, so more likelihood of needing intervention.
Emergency situations would send my anxiety through the roof, I can’t imagine how I’ll cope if they came rushing in to take me down for an emergency c section, especially if it’s under GA.
I’ve managed to get through most of the pregnancy up until now fairly calmly. Now the end game is in sight, I know I have to get him out one way or another. I have no escape. I can’t even run away like I normally do. I’m trapped.
My phobia of hospitals and anything medical doesn’t help. I even have white coat syndrome when having my BP taken. Which causes problems as you can imagine.

Sorry for the long message. I feel sick to my stomach tonight.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've been doing brilliantly so far! I hope you will find your appointment on Friday helpful. x

I highly recommend you read/download the book by Marie Mongon on Hypnobirthing. It will put you right back in control of your body and mind.

I also suffer from major health anxiety and this book got be through my first birth. It made me feel like a total lioness and my focus was incredible. My labour was long and had complications but this book kept me in the most powerful frame of mind throughout.

Pregnant with my second and will be reading it again to keep myself in the same strong minds set.

Good luck, you will smash it!

Thanks for the messages so far. I feel really lost at the moment. Scared. Frightened. Trapped and anxious.

Didn't want to read and run but just wanted to reassure you, OP, that you have got this, regardless of which birth you have.
I didn't do hypnobirthing, per se, but my midwife at the antenatal class recommended practising my breathing (in and out through the nose) so that I could only have 2 breaths in a minute. It did take some practice, but it definitely helped me feel calm and in control. I had never had an internal either, but in the heat of the moment, I didn't really care, or even think about it.
Good luck, you will be brilliant.

As someone who also suffers with bad anxiety, i understand completely.

Soothing thoughts for me we're thinking about how women have done this for thousands of years, and long before we had any midwives/doctors/hospitals. Yes sometimes things do go wrong but in this day and age it is rare. You will be listened to during labour/birth, that's what's its good to have a good birth partner. Have you ever looked into eating a doula? They are fantastic, have a look on the doula UK website, I think you could benefit massively from one, I have one too x

*having a doula! Not eating!

Hey.
I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and i know exactly how you feel regarding lack of control.
DS is 14mo but I felt exactly like you worrying about the fear of the unknown, the idea of giving birth made me feel sick and gave me sleepless nights. The same as you described with the lack of control, what if things went wrong, what if I needed an emergency c section anyway, what if I got too tired and couldn't get the baby out, what if the baby got stuck.
I was obsessed about research and it was mostly terrible stuff, because this is what my anxiety ridden brain is drawn to.
I fought for a c section, and thankfully was granted one after I discussed all my fears with midwives and consultants.
I also researched c sections and of course there was terrible stuff about that as well, but I weighed up the pros and cons and it was still the best choice.
Also most statistics are made surrounding just c sections. But the difference between an emergency one and an elective one are so different.
It's planned, all the HCP were laughing and talking to me.
Nothing went wrong, I am higher risk due to my BMI but everything went perfectly (I only had some sickness once in the maternity ward from the anaesthetic but that's it).
It's easiest said then done, but be confident in your choice, try and stop reading stuff because it's going to go exactly how it goes and stressing won't change anything.
I am now 7 weeks pregnant and I am having another c section (if they let me) it was by far the best choice for me.
Either way, this gorgeous and amazing baby of yours has to come out.

@MsHopey so you feel the c section was the best option?
I feel it is for me too, as it’s more controlled and I won’t feel so vulnerable and scared. I will still be scared I’m sure, but not knowing how long the labour will last is very anxiety provoking for me.

How can I convince the consultant Midwife as I have an appointment about it on Friday?

Sorry you are feeling this way.

I am a doctor and have done/assisted on hundreds of c sections in the past (though I don’t work in that field now). I have never known anyone who wanted an elective section to end up having a GA because the spinal didn’t work, or for the spinal to wear off mid-procedure, and certainly never a cardiac arrest. Sepsis is also very rare after elective section.

Elective c sections are done in a very calm, controlled, relaxed environment so there is plenty of time for the anaesthetist to ensure the spinal is absolutely right. They will be by your side throughout the procedure just to take care of you so if your blood pressure drops or you’re feeling anxious they will be right there to help. You can also have your partner or someone else there with you and many hospitals will let you have music of your choice on as well.

The baby is usually delivered within about 5-10 minutes, briefly checked by the midwife and then handed straight to you and your birth partner to hold (if that’s what you want) so you will have plenty to distract you from the rest of it (about 30-40 minutes) and most people say they don’t even notice what’s happening to them once the baby is born.

I hope your midwives and consultant will be able to give you more reassurance on this but I thought you might appreciate hearing from this side of things as well as from those who have had them.

I told them exactly what you have written here. About the fear and anxiety. I'd done lots of research and had it all written down to explain to them why I thought it was the best option and that I was very aware of the risk factors.
They took me seriously, I don't know if it was my demeanour of "this is what's best for me" or my research. But they listened. I only had one consultant appointment when I was around 35 weeks pregnant, they agreed to my c section right there and then and booked in my date and filled in the paperwork.
I had heard some people struggled depending on their consultant but apparently if one refuses you are allowed a second opinion off someone else (not ideal as the due date draws closer but it is an option).
I'd just be honest, the consultant didn't really say a lot, I think I'd pretty much covered everything by the time it was his turn to talk.
It was 100% the right decision for me and the c section itself was actually extremely calm, basically the opposite of what I was expecting form a vaginal birth. It was never wracking on the day, I had to be in the hospital by 7am, I was the 3rd planned c section of the day and DS was born at 10:46am.
The pain afterwards was bad, there's no sugar coating it, but it's bearable.
I was discharged at 2pm the next day, it took me 30 minutes to shuffle from the maternity ward to the car. But I did it, I live in a flat and managed to get up my stairs. Each day it hurt less and less and I felt normal after a few weeks.
We went for a McDonald's breakfast at 5am on the 3rd day of me being discharged!
You've got to do what's right for you. But it was definitely what was right for me and I'm happy go do it all again for this baby.
The idea of a vaginal birth still fills me with dread.

Everything @Darkstar4855 said is how it went down for me.
No emergency. Baby in my arms in no time. I got to cuddle baby for ages with skin to skin. My husband was at my side for almost all of it.
I had my spinal in without him but it only took a few seconds, I barely felt it, and no struggle to put it in even with my higher BMI.
Blood pressure kept an eye on throughout.
The thing that took the longest was the cannula in my hand, I have fat hands and it took about 30 minutes to find a vein 😂

Oh OP, I’ve been there. Sleepless nights and constant googling of everything!
My DD is now 6 months old, I had a vaginal birth with no intervention. I was booked for as elective CS if I went overdue but she arrived on her due date (due to the higher risks of intervention with induction).

I found it very helpful to do some CBT techniques if I was spiralling into anxiety, I’d write down exactly what I was worrying about and the actual risks of it happening, how anxious I felt on a percentage scale. For example I was pertified of a 3rd/4th degree tear, 94% of women do not experience that, I could deal with those odds!
If it’s any positive, I did have quite a big bleed, and a 2nd degree tear, BUT of everything I had imagined, that was nothing, thus I was perfectly happy with my birth experience.
Do you have a perinatal mental health team who could help with some CBT? I did some hypnobirthing techniques too, also some bloody lovely pregnancy yoga, which helped me reset weekly.
Big love OP, it’s terrifying. But from someone out the other side, it really wasn’t half as bad as I had imagined

@Darkstar4855 You have really put me at my ease. Thank you so much. I am pretty much decided on a planned c section now (if they are accommodating) my Midwife doesn’t see why the won’t be. It’ll be a huge weight off my shoulders when I get the answer either way. It sounds like the perfect situation to have my baby in.

Glad it helped! I used to love being assigned to do the elective section list because it meant a happy, relaxed morning/afternoon in theatre delivering babies . Even the mums that were nervous coming in were fine once everything got underway.

I wish you all the best for a safe and happy birth

If it helps to know this, I had an elective section with dc2 and it was a really calm, controlled experience. By dh and the anesthetist were talking to me the whole time and I felt in v safe hands throughout.

Defo go c section. My friend just had a planned one after an emergency and she said it was relaxed and lovely. They talked her through everything. She was home the next day! Ask for a private tour if you haven't had one and see if they'll show you where you'll be etc. Honestly though, you'll be fine and once you've got your baby snuggling you'll be so proud of what you've achieved xx

Thanks for all your input so far. I had my growth scan today and he’s estimate 6.8lbs at 35+3 and looking 9lbs at full term.

I had a conversation with the doctor about having a c section and she was really trying to put me off, talking about hysterectomies, cutting my bowel accidentally etc. However I stood my ground and asked about the things that can go wrong with vagina birth and she kind of agreed but changed the subject!

Anyway, I kept on about how it would be the best choice for me and she kept pushing her agenda, but by the end of the appointment I think she knew I was serious.
I have to see the consultant Midwife on Friday & discuss it in more detail then...and get an appointment with the consultant next week to discuss and book in a date for when I’m 39 weeks.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're having such a scary time. You sound a lot like me in my first pregnancy. Only I was utterly terrified of C-section, or any kind of medical intervention. I was also under a specialist midwife etc.

I desperately wanted a sense of control and found making a comprehensive birth plan helped me mentally to cope in the build up. My birth didn't go to plan. But you know what, and I say this with all honesty and empathy of your fear - it was totally ok.

I found that, as with many anxiety-induced worries, it couldn't ever have been as bad as I feared. After baby was delivered I went in to a state of euphoria that lasted months!

One of my biggest fears was also being out of control and not being listened to. I kept feeling like I'd be on a conveyor belt. And this was the total opposite of what I got. They were WONDERFUL at listening to me and taking my wishes into account.

I did need an episiotomy and ventouse in the end (both BIG fears). And when they first suggested the former I immediately said no, and they totally respected that and gave me time to try again. Eventually, it became clear that something needed to be done (I had other issues hampering my labour at the time) and it was the best thing that could have happened! I didn't feel it at all thanks to the local anaesthetic and once done the labour went so much smoother and better. Healing was also pretty smooth for me.

So, chances are, you will hopefully experience that similar sense of relief and find that your birth isn't as bad as your anxiety is making it out to be. In my experience, your voice will be heard and your wishes very much listened to and taken in to account. Most midwifes, if not all, have been called to the profession because they care deeply about mothers and babies. And one of those mothers is you.

Very, very best of luck and if the planned C-section is the best route for you then I very much hope you get it. I've two friends who had planned sections and they had wonderful, smooth and very positive experiences. xx

Hi OP

I was the same as you and also have a history of anxiety. My situation was a bit different in that I was offered induction due to large baby/ excess fluid. By that point I just wanted him out and I decided I'd take every form of pain relief available and just go with it.

In the end I had an emergency section.

The section was by far the 'best' part. It was actually the only part when I felt in control and treated with respect.

During the section everything felt very calm, the anaesthetist was sitting literally at my shoulder. I felt no anxiety at all because they were talking to me the whole time. All you have to do is tell them how you are feeling and keep chatting. Baby is out in a few minutes and you won't care much what goes on after that.

I am pregnant again now after a 5 year gap due to anxiety. At 13 weeks they tried to push me into a second attempt at vaginal birth. I just said no, firmly. I explained my reasons for an elective and they were respected. I realise I may have been lucky but I think having the confidence to demand what you want does help.

There are benefits to electives (and induction) in terms of limiting anxiety in that you have a date in mind for things to happen.

If you choose a vaginal birth, make your anxiety clear. You could write it down so you don't have to explain (like a birth plan).

I'm not going to lie and say it's pleasant, because it isn't, but if you want the section just write down your reasons and don't be swayed. If they refuse you, you can ask to be referred to someone else. I suspect they won't, though. Good luck.

I had Elcs and it was exactly like dark star says. Anaesthetist was right there the whole time checking in with me. Also I was lucky and no real pain afterwards. Hope you get it sorted and can stop feeling anxious.

I think after all your comments and doing some research and soul searching today that I’m going to have the c section. I just hope they let me. She was really trying hard to put me off today!

Thanks everyone for your comments, I slept a bit better knowing I’ve made my decision. Just need them to agree now.