I just don't feel 'right'..

[jadeywadeyyox]

I had a miscarriage in April. We went to the 12 week scan and were told the baby only measured 10, this was my second miscarriage but the first one was at 6 weeks.
I was mortified. It destroyed me, honestly. I was so excited about that baby and had names picked, pram picked, room decorations for both genders picked.
I'm almost 9 weeks now and I'm ON EDGE!!!!
Like, everything terrifies me, honestly.
I get cramps all the time.
But over the past few days I just feel 'off'.
My morning sickness isn't as bad as a few days ago but I'm a lot more crampy than I was, say, this time last week?
Not having morning sickness as bad as before is scaring me.
Cramps are scaring me.
I know I'm being paranoid because of my history, and it's heartbreaking because I'm hardly attached to this pregnancy at all.
Of course I want everything to go as smoothly as possible, but I had a scan last week and I cried when I saw the heartbeat but then I haven't looked at the scan pic since because I don't want to get attached, as I fear the worst.
I do everything I can to keep the baby in tip top shape, I don't take any sort of medication, even paracetamol, I won't even take gavascon for my heartburn. I natural remedy everything, I've gave up coffee and Pepsi max, and eat the best I can with my nausea..
Am I horrible for not getting attached? 😔 What if I'm like this until the baby is here?
I want so badly to enjoy pregnancy, but I just can't...

Even when my partner says things like "we'll have a baby soon" I literally turn around and say "no it won't it's not gonna happen".
I just don't see me having this baby, I feel like I KNOW in my heart I'm going to lose this baby like the last one 😔

Cramps are so so common. And stabbing pains. And aches. It doesn't mean anything if you're not bleeding.

I've been where you are and only just now feeling like there may actually be a baby at the end of this (21 weeks.) I don't think it's uncommon to feel like that,especially before the 12 weeks scan. Time does pass though!

Also don't be a martyr about medication! If you need the paracetamol or gaviscon take it, it's completely safe. My midwife was saying this morning she has to keep telling people just to take the paracetamol if they have a headache etc.

Feeling 'off' is totally expected - your body is going through loads of changes. I've felt off for the past 38 weeks or thereabouts!
Pregnancy is a scary time and I'm so sorry for your losses. I can totally u understand you not wanting to get attached yet. I was the same even without previous losses. I kmow it's hard, but try not to analyse evert little cramp and niggle. I found my symptons changed by the day. I didn't start to think of him as a real baby that we were really having into 20 weeks... didn't even tell my parents until 16 weeks! It's fine to be cautious if you're finding it hars to get excited yet. Don't expect too much of yourself, communicate with your dp about how you feel, and take each day as it comes. I really hope things work out well for you! X