Major jealousy, is this normal?

[Babybrain2]

Hi everyone,

This may be the most petty/stupid post but I need to know if I’m being ridiculous.
I’m 6 weeks pregnant and DH and I are over the moon. We’ve waited so long for this, wanting to be in the best position to bring a child into the world. Obviously it’s still so early so we haven’t told many people yet. I just found out that a friend is 9 weeks pregnant and my honest reaction is jealousy and dissapointment. Deep down I’m happy for her and excited that we can share the journey together. But the other part of me feels jealous that she’ll experience the ‘firsts’ i.e first scan, kick etc before me and of course meet her baby before me! They aren’t in a good place financially or married etc and I just feel annoyed that this is my time and now it feels like she’s stolen my thunder and will be announcing to our friends before me so it doesn’t feel so special for me.

I know I’m being irrational and pathetic and I’m putting it down to pregnancy hormones, but please can someone tell me I’m not going mad and this is normal?

I don't think it's normal as such but pregnancy hormones are powerful and often cause you to think and act out of character. I look back on some of the feelings and thoughts I had while pregnant and don't recognise myself at all.

Didn’t have jealousy but a very close friend was pregnant at the same time I was and I occasionally got overwhelming waves of terror about one of us miscarrying or having a stillbirth, and whether it would be possible to cope with staying friends if that happened.

Luckily we both carried to term and now have a pair of feisty hilarious one-year-olds who get on, and had someone to compare breastfeeding blisters/stitch-dissolving times/pelvic floor recovery/the scary terrain of post-baby shagging with. Plus our male partners are close and also had each other for support in the wonder and chaos of new parenthood.

So yeah, I think it’s normal to have some negative/complicated feelings, but it’s best not to give them too much weight and just appreciate having someone who will ‘get it’ in your life.

I was so emotional and irrational when pregnant. Not going mad, just try not to compare yourself to others, I do and my dh says everyone is on their own trajectory. You should have it easier being financially secure. Also at 3 weeks difference which she'll have the first 12 week scan the kicks and birth don't come to a calender. Eg I had an anterior placenta so didn't feel kicks for a long time then gave birth at 36 weeks days after my friend who was due 5 weeks earlier.

I totally get your annoyance. I would feel that too because she's so close to you in timings you'll feel like you're just one step behind her. Maybe focus on your family and their excitement at your news instead?

No, I don't think it's normal. It's very petty.

The question is do you normally behave enviously like this, or is this the first time, if it's not usually how you behave, then it could be hormones.

I think it is understandable (definitely with hormones!) but it will pass and you're only 3 weeks apart so anything could happen in terms of firsts!

My best friend had been trying to for a baby for two years and had a few miscarriages so when I became pregnant (unplanned) I was very worried about telling her for the same reasons you mentioned. I was so worried that she’d hate me but also knew if I didn’t tell her early on then she’d wonder why I hadn’t and be upset then too. So I bit the bullet and told her praying she wouldn’t be upset, she chose that moment to tell me she was also pregnant 2 weeks behind me. We did lots of crying together!
It’s been so lovely having someone going through the same things and we’ve been each others go to for everything.
Early pregnancy actually pregnancy in general is an emotional rollercoaster and all sorts of bizarre thoughts go through your head.
Look at it this way, you have a pregnancy buddy so on those days that your feeling awful you’ll have someone who is likely feeling the same way, you have someone to share the good times with too.

Congratulations 😊
Try and concentrate on the positives of someone to share the journey with. 3 weeks isn't long in terms of feeling kicks etc so just focus on your pregnancy and don't think about her experiencing anything a matter of days early. Your other friends will still be pleased for you too, even if they hear your news second. Your pregnancy is no less special.

You know yourself you're being unreasonable with the comments about her finances and not being married so just put those out of your head.

Thanks for all the replies guys. I’ve spent most of my morning crying my eyes out over me being such an awful person and a horrid friend (definitely hornones since I’m usually not a very emotional person). My emotions are starting to clear a little and feeling less jealous and more ashamed of my initial reaction! I’ll definitely be grateful to have someone to go through this journey with and someone who can relate to it all. Hopefully these hormones will reign themselves in soon!

My friend and I have 2 weeks between our 10 year olds. It's fab and you will appreciate someone to talk to. Just don't make it a competition. Pg hormones are a bugger so don't worry. I go through stages of hating everyone and I'm now 36 weeks!! Your allowed to be a bitch for 9 months 😀

I think feeling any way about anything is ok, it’s about how you act and deal with it.

3 weeks is such a small difference at this stage and could even change at the first scan. My first due date changed by 4 days, and a friend just had hers moved a whole week forward. You could also easily end up having your baby first for any number of reasons.

My first pregnancy, I was due 8 weeks before a close friend. There are 7 weeks between our babies. This time, she’s 5 weeks ahead of me which is honestly a relief. I was so pleased not to be first this time!

Probably hormones. That does sound irrational but you can't help how you feel! It will be lovely for you to have someone to go through this with - pregnancy can be very isolating.

Well if you have waited a long time to be pregnant, then I can sort of understand. But they aren't rational feelings really (as you realise!) and someone else being pregnant too doesn't make your pregnancy any less special to you and those who really matter. Ultimately any woman's pregnancy is only really special to a small handful of people anyway (other than maybe if you are the Duchess of Cambridge of course!).

I'd try to take the opportunity to bond with your friend over this, and enjoy having someone - who you are already close to - who is going through pregnancy with you. You'll have someone there in the trenches with you when you have a newborn, someone to message at 3am when you are up with your baby for the millionth time that night, etc. it will be lovely to have that IMO.

As for her definitely giving birth soon, don't be so sure! My friend and I were due a month apart and ended up having babies with only a day between their birthdays. She was very overdue and I was early, so nothing is set in stone!

Hope you can relax and enjoy your pregnancy. Feeling how you feel doesn't make you a bad friend, it makes you human.

*as for her definitely giving birth FIRST not soon - bloody autocorrect!

Ahh OP, you're not a bad friend or person. You won't feel like this forever, your feelings will settle down. I remember after giving birth to each of my kids, I used to feel irrationally jealous of women who were having the excitement of just finding out they were pregnant, until I realised I was being silly.
Your friend will have her baby and you will have yours. And at three weeks difference, anything could happen. One of you could go a few weeks early and one might be over due so you could end up around the same time, or you first. But it really doesn't matter either way.

I think you might be looking at it the wrong way. It's actually fantastic as you will share many milestones. Soon the 3 weeks difference will be totally irrelevant and you will have the ideal scenario- a close friend with a similarly aged dc. It will be great!

I completely understand where you're coming from. I feel similarly about my situation except I'm 3 weeks ahead. Even though I'm almost 20 weeks I'm scared of something going wrong for me and her baby always being a reminder of mine. I would never express these feelings to her and I over time I have become very excited about how close the babies will be in age. Give it time for the idea to settle and I'm sure as your due dates get closer your feelings will change.
Every time those feelings rear their ugly head I ask myself if I would prefer her situation to mine and it's a unanimous no, which makes me feel better.

Why the comment about her not being married or in a good place financially?

Good question!

I wondered that too. Was the suggestion that because you are married and financially stable and she isn't that it should be you experiencing everything first because you've done things the 'right' way?

Honestly I would be over the bloody moon if a close friend was pregnant the same time as me as I'd have someone to share things with.

It's so lovely going through pregnancy with a friend, especially as you'll be experiencing the same things at the same time. I'm sure your feelings of jealously will pass and as time goes on you'll be grateful to have someone to moan about symptoms with! 3 weeks difference is nothing. You could easily have your baby before her anyway!!

Sorry to be harsh but for goodness sake! Get on with your own life, you are letting petty jealousy spoil a precious time, you can control it if you think positive thoughts instead of theses negative ones

I totally get this haha. My sister in law, who I am not close to, don't really like. Is pregnant too. We originally had exactly the same due date, I was horrified. It was a fight who's gonna tell parents first, who's gonna have scan first, then when we had scans it was 'mine has arms and legs yours doesnt' turned out I was a week behind so developmentally mine wasn't the same size as hers. But it made me feel awful until we had our dating scans. She's due a week before me, parents are making more of a fuss over her as it's her first. I don't care anymore just trying to focus on my own pregnanch and not compare been alot happier since I have been doing that

I experienced something similar but can't currently distinguish jealousy from disappointment.

Due to my health, we told our closest friends I was expecting at 7 weeks, they were over the moon for us and super excited at the thought of being God Parents (unwritten rule).

The following weekend they looked after our other friends' 2yo because she was "sick". Fast forward to 12 weeks and we discover she's having twins after hormone therapy.

My OH and I would have absolutely loved twins and chances are relatively high as multiples run in my family, so now both feel pretty deflated.

I know we're being unreasonable as we currently have our miracle baby on the way but every now and then I still find myself spiking a little bit of jealousy.

There's 3 weeks in it, it doesn't follow she'll have any of the firsts (other than scans), all pregnancies are different and anything can happen, just focus on your own health.