Panic

[anxiousmumtobe2018]

This might be long, I apologise.

I'm 37, first baby to be, after many rounds of failed IVF. OH and I have talked about this baby for blimmin years and wanted nothing else. I'm now 30 weeks and beginning to panic, realising how much our lives will change and worried I'm not meant to be a mum. (This was going to be our last cycle and I was honestly convinced it wouldn't work!)

We have obviously planned and longed for this baby for donkey's years but lately I can't stop thinking about how much things will change, and we had sort of settled into our childless life, IYSWIM. At brunch today a screaming toddler just about did my head in and that makes me doubt whether I'll be a good mum. I also worry something will be wrong with the baby, or I will have a stillbirth and perhaps we were infertile so long for a reason. And my OH has lost nearly all interest in sex which makes me feel rubbish about myself and my body. I've gained nearly 2 stone already and my nipples are the size of digestives so I don't feel quite attractive anyway, and wonder if I'll ever go back to my previous body. I of course then feel doubly rubbish as I think I must be hurting the baby thinking these things or making her feel bad for questioning all of this or blaming it on her.

I'm also quite worried about our pets. We've got two cats and a dog, and they were nearly the only thing that got me through our infertility. Now when I look at them, they've no idea what's to come and how they'll be ignored once the baby comes. I fall to tears just looking at them now. I'm trying to give them extra cuddles but I've read this will only make things worse and might make them jealous of the baby.

Perhaps I need a handhold and would like to know if anyone else has felt this way? I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts as I went through so many years of IF dreaming of a baby and now I'm in a right state about having one. I wouldn't want anything to happen to the baby and already feel so bonded with her but it's also so much more complicated than I imagined.

I think how you’re feeling is completely normal, especially as you have had such a rough ride getting to this point, and had in your head come to terms with having a childless life. A bit different to your situation, but I’m 29 weeks with dc2 and we had given up hope of having another baby, as we were struggling ttc. I had come to terms with ds being an only child, when we fell pregnant unexpectedly. I have been feeling all sorts of fear and regret over the last 29 weeks I can tell you.

But honestly, once the baby is here you will feel differently. She will be your world and all the fear you have felt will melt away. Of course it’s a big change and it’ll be a shock to your system, but it’s good change and so worth it. Honestly. It’s normal to feel this way but you will be a fantastic mum and it will be brilliant.

Thank you eminybob, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. My head is just spinning these days and I'm constantly feeling emotional, whilst I'm generally a quite stable person. I reckon it's pregnancy hormones but worry this is a sign I'll have PND