Where do I start? This is going to be a long one and honestly, I think I’m looking more for a hand hold than anything.
I had tried to conceive for eight years with my then husband with no luck. Ovulation test, pregnancy tests, making notes I had finally come to the conclusion that I would never be a mum which broke my heart and took me to some dark places in my life. Our marriage broke down and we divorced.
I have now been in a new relationship for 2 1/2 years who I moved 200 miles away from all of my friends and family to be with. DP has a DS from his marriage but we decided that we would love to try for a baby together. He told me that it would be amazing to have a child with someone who truly loved and share the experience.
After eight months I finally found out I was pregnant April 2017, I couldn’t believe it! I had never seen a positive pregnancy test, we were so happy. At just past seven weeks I noticed that my pregnancy symptoms seemed to literally vanish overnight. When I had my positive test I believed I was 5/6 weeks - but the cheap test was a VFL and CB said 1-2 weeks. Of course I was happy, but looking back this should have been a huge red flag. I did continue to do cheap tests every 10 days or so and although it did eventually go to a solid red line as I approached 12 weeks, the test went back to being faint and I knew then that this might not end well. At my 12 week scan we were told that there was no heartbeat and the baby measured 7 weeks 3 days, virtually when the symptoms stopped. My DP and I grieved together and I felt it gave us an unbreakable bond.
My periods took around six months to get back into a regular pattern and exactly a year after my missed miscarriage (June 2018) I lost my beloved cat. Those of us without children understand how our pets become our children and needless to say I was absolutely devastated.
To add to our stress, my DP is in the middle of a three and a half year battle with his soon to be ex wife. We are in court to sort the finances and finally for him to be divorced as she refuses to give him his share of the house. Not only has this been hugely time consuming but we must have spent £10k+ to fight this whilst her side is paid for by her millionaire parents so she’s not bothered. Her intention is to cause as much financial suffering to us as possible and it’s working. DP has spent so many hours digging through court papers, evidence, old bank statements, questionnaires. To add to our financial concerns, his work is reducing his hours with little to no notice which is now making the court fees, now we are in the thick of it, a huge burden looming over our heads.
A fortnight ago we returned back from holiday with his DS. We had had a stormy 24 hours before the flight home because his DS caused a huge problem lying to his dad although I saw what truly happened. Emotional and angry as DP believed him over what I actually saw, I struggled to calm down about it. I recognised these emotions from last year and coupled with sore boobs, did a test the morning after we flew home. Sure enough, I was pregnant but this time with a solid red line on a cheap test. CB test shows 3+ weeks.
When I looked back at my dates my last period was 12th June and I had obviously missed my period in July which I knew but put it down to the stress and upset of losing my cat. This works out that I was 11 weeks at the time I found out, I’m now 12 weeks 5 days I believe.
When I told my DP, I filmed his reaction and expected happy hugs and tears but instead I was met with “oh well I thought you were going to have another go at me and that’s why you called me upstairs.” He says he’s not been happy for 8 months which shocked me. Four and a half months ago he bought my pretty expensive engagement ring (this was before we were aware of how much the remaining court fees were actually going to be) whilst we were on a cruise as it’s a one of a kind, in preparation for when his divorce is final telling me that “hopefully now I can see his commitment to me.”
Since we found out about my pregnancy, in the past fortnight his hours have been reduced even further and coupled with a huge court bill that came in whilst we were on holiday and the fact that coincidentally he’s been doing court preparation for exactly eight months, I feel that he’s taking all of his stress out on me, blaming me for his upset. I’m taking the brunt of all of his frustration including his own mother seemingly to be teaming up with his “ex” wife to work against him. All he literally has is me for emotional support but he’s pushing me away.
I’m not sure how much more I can cope with myself, I’m pregnant with a baby I never thought I would have. I have my first scan on Wednesday which I’m petrified I’m going to be told there’s no heartbeat again, I don’t know how I would cope with it. I still have sore boobs and very very mild sickly moments which I'm trying to take comfort from. My emotions are everywhere as I try desperately to hold myself together for the sake of the baby’s health and DP is too busy blaming me but says he loves me, held my hand most of last night but says it’s “the little things and there’s lots of them.”
I’m so confused with what he wants that I even asked him if he wanted me to have a termination (not that I think I EVER would) and he was horrified I asked but shows no signs of being happy about it at all. We know for sure the baby will be here after court is over but how can I possibly be expected to get through this pregnancy on my own until then? I have no friends and family locally to me for support.
So sorry for the essay but I felt I needed to get it all down for it to make sense 😞