DH binge drinking and miscarriage

[alaspooryorick]

I'm looking for a bit of advice... I'm 37 and DH is 32...
Yesterday I miscarried at 5.5 weeks after just two months of trying and had felt so lucky to conceive quickly.
The whole time though, I was a bit uneasy as looking at dates and when I ovulated the baby was conceived after DH had been at an all day bbq and drinking binge.
I know that the miscarriage is no one's fault and I'm sure that the grieving process that goes with all this is looking for a reason and something/one to blame. But I can't help these little thoughts creeping in that alcohol in those large quantities is so bad for sperm!
DH is lovely, he's kind and caring and not a regular drinker, but he does binge drink and when I say binge drink I mean excessively- once he starts that's it.
When we started ttc I had a conversation with him where I shared my concerns about this and how it might impact his fertility and our chances of conceiving. He agrees at the time but then still goes out and binges then when I try to say something he gets cross and tells me I don't need to keep telling him. Clearly I do!
This morning I saw on the miscarriage association website a link between early miscarriage and excessive drinking in men, leading me to look more in to it. I really want to share these articles with DH to convince him to stop drinking like this while we are ttc for the sake of an increased chance of a healthy pregnancy and baby. How on earth do I bring this up again now without him assuming I'm blaming him for the miscarriage? It's his sister's wedding in a few weeks' time (a classic binge drinking opportunity all weekend) and I'm afraid he'll shut me down completely - even the thought of this is making me angry.
Thoughts? x

Firstly, sorry for your loss. I've also had a miscarriage and it's horrible. However,

If you do mention it, it will look as though you are blaming him for the miscarriage. Like you say, it isn't anyone's fault and to suggest to yourself or him that it might be is just wrong. You don't know why you miscarried, it's most likely to be a chromosomal abnormality.

His drinking is a separate, though related, issue and it sounds like he may have a drinking problem. Drinking problems don't necessarily mean the need to drink every day, but the inability to stop when started is an indicator.

I wouldn’t blame him for it but I would address the Heavy drinking before thinking about trying again for a baby xx

Don't blame him but don't have a baby with a problem drinker. Trust me, it will break your relationship and you will have to protect your baby from him. That is not how you want your life to be.

Sorry for your loss. I've had a miscarriage myself and it's horrific. However, it almost certainly wasn't caused by the binge drinking. I drank alcohol and at rare steak and sushi before I knew I was pregnant. I'm now 13+4 and baby is fine.

However, as PP have said, I would address the drinking before you try again.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I don't blame him and I know it's most likely chromosomal abnormalities. I'm still quite raw over it I suppose as it only happened yesterday.
The way DH is about the drinking is that it's normal for guys to drink a lot when they are all together. It's not a regular thing, maybe once every few months and I really don't think he actually has an alcohol problem. It's just this UK drinking culture.
My PIL are very middle class and treat all their children's drinking over the family WhatsApp with a sort of 'haw haw boys will be boys' attitude and I think I look like a bit of a killjoy to them when I try to encourage more reasonable drinking, like sticking to weekly guidance on units and not bingeing!

Firstly, I’m really sorry for your loss. Secondly, what are you concerned about here? If the situation is that occasionally (parties/ weddings) your DH goes and drinks a lot then it’s highly unlikely to have anything to do with your miscarriage. However, if he drinks a lot on a daily basis it may have more of an impact. The quality of sperm may be impacted by long term alcohol abuse but it doesn’t sound like what you are talking about here. Unfortunately not all pregnancies are successful and while that’s sad there is often no reason for it.

I have had one healthy DS, 4 MCs and now am 7 weeks. DS does have a drink problem- after 5 years he is finally getting help. He often drinks 3 bottles of wine a night. We have discussed his drinking a lot but while it may have been a factor there are lots of others such as stress which are possibly more of a factor. If he is a good guy and you love him then stick at it

I'm sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage before my first child was born, and it was awful. I understand the urge to find "a reason" why it happened.

However, I think that sperm is made by the body 3 months before it is "used", so the sperm that fertilised your egg on this occasion could surely not have been affected, in terms of its quality, by the drinking session around the time of conception?

Sorry for your loss .

Miscarriage is extremely common and most of the time there is absolutely no reason for it other than a chromosomal abnormality. Something went wrong during the fertilisation process, one wrong link was sent and it screwed the whole thing up. This is how I have come to understand it. 1 in 4 end in miscarriage, it’s that common.

I had two missed miscarriages last year and I very much went through the blame part of grief. I did think it may be DPs fault for one reason or another but didn’t actively accuse him, it would wouldn’t have been fair or even accurate. Many mothers binge drink or even do hard drugs before realising they are pregnant and it doesn’t affect the outcome.

I echo PP - although his drinking won’t have caused the miscarriage, please do not have children with him unless and until he has accepted that there is a problem and sought meaningful help.

He is a problem drinker if he drinks and can't stop.

He is a problem drinker if he can't go to a social function without getting drunk.

He is a problem drinker if he gets angry and defensive when his wife asks him to reduce his drinking.

He is a problem drinker. The fact that the UK's drinking culture masks it doesn't make it go away.

I'm very sorry for your loss but please do try to get a better perspective on his relationship with alcohol

I'm afraid he'll shut me down completely - even the thought of this is making me angry.

This is not a healthy dynamic.

Hmmm I know @RhymesWithOrange . Easy to mask when so many of his friends are just like it. It's so unhealthy.
Not sure how else I can share how I feel without just telling him again. We are very rarely cross or angry with each other and have a supportive relationship on the whole. It just seems to be with this issue that he thinks I'm overreacting. But It's a biggie isn't it.

Yes. It's the biggest biggie really. Sorry OP.

I'm sorry for your loss. It wouldn't have been that particular binge drinking session that could have had any impact anyway- sperm are made months in advance. Yes drinking long term can have SOME effect but then so can dozens of things. My husband has poor quality sperm but we don't know why. Please don't blame your husband or link it to the miscarriage.

However, it would be beneficial for you both to be as healthy as possible- especially while you are ttc, but also just in general- binge drinking is never good! Can you initiate the idea of going on some sort of 'detox' TOGETHER so he feels less targeted?

Very sorry for your loss. Had a miscarriage myself, it's heartbreaking. Sperm are formed 3 months before they come out so the binge drinking at conception wouldn't have had an effect on the miscarriage.