39, pregnant, and unsure

[yankeehotelfoxtrot]

Hi all,

New poster here.

I have just found out that I am pregnant at 39. My partner and I said we would kind of try, a few weeks later and BAM! here I am.

On paper everything seems fine: stable job, financially secure, just bought new house, long-term relationship ... Have had doubts over my feelings for my partner for a while, he's so lovely and perfect, but something just doesn't click. Really want it to work though ... He's been so excited since I told him the news, think he's a little surprised at my reaction ... I am too :-(

Since I found out I have been crying a lot, feel really sad and upset. Feel like my life as I know it may be over, no more holidays, dinners out, !!!

I'd really appreciate some help and advice from others who are/were in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading xx

Hello! And just wanted to say congratulations :-). I’m 39 too and feeling it with this pregnancy, although I have two DC (3 and 4). It’s very natural to cry and feel like your life as you know it will be different. We used to have weekends away and meals out lots pre kids. We still do it but much less but I think we really appreciate them more now! X

Congratulations! Some people are sure about everything: love at first sight, chosen career, having children... and for some of us it's more of a sliding scale. Am 38 and 7 weeks along. For a long time I was unsure if children would be in my future, even when we started trying I had some doubts at first, I'm one of life's overthinkers. For you, fate has called your bluff early on, whereas for me it took a while longer, each month moving from 'should we' to 'can we' to 'is something actually wrong..?' so when we finally got to 2 pink lines i was very relieved and thrilled (and, honestly, a little bit scared too but who isn't?). If we had fallen pg first try am sure there would have been a few more 'wtf' feelings at the outset!
Regardless you have chosen to try (or stop not trying) so really you have made the decision on some level already. You are perhaps feeling upset as it feels like the decision is out of your hands but you have taken the first step and I suspect once you let it sink in it will feel more like the right thing.
When considering the should we / shouldn't we a few years ago I was looking for different perspectives online: folks generally appear to mostly be in the definitely want kids, or definitely don't camp and I couldn't relate to either. I found one article ( actually an agony aunt column but bear with me!) and it talked in terms of how you could have 2 perfectly valid lives, one with children and one without, both would be great but you can't have both. It suggested to think about life when you are 70/80 and consider in both scenarios - which makes you happier? It puts it much more eloquently than I can typing on a phone, so will paste the link. therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
For me, imagining being older and never having done this seemed wrong, and lonely, and felt I would have missed out on so much fun and love. For others, they see a life of commitment-free travel and experiences as being too good to lose out on. Neither is wrong. But one will be a bit (or maybe a lot!) more right for you.
Hope this helps a little.

Hi guys,

Thank you for the replies, and for the article.

To be really honest, I don't think I am past the feelings of despair at the moment. Have (sort of) made up my mind that the baby will be in our life, have been thinking of decorating ideas for the baby room, etc.

I'm still not ecstatic, and do feel stressed a lot of the time. Reading articles about how cortisol (released during stressful periods) negatively affects the foetus, so now feeling doubly guilty :-(

I really wish someone would wave a magic wand and take these feelings away.

Spoke to my OH about this, so at least I'm being honest with him.

Sorry to hear that. Are you under a midwife yet? If so I think you should raise with her, or if not maybe talk with your GP. It may help just to talk to someone regarding a way to work through the stress and anxiety you're feeling. I have had CBT in the past for generalised anxiety and whilst it didn't fix everything at once it did give me some insights on how to reframe my thinking. It could just be hormones circling which will pass but since some ladies do suffer with prenatal depression I would say it makes sense to see someone to get a little help through it. Good you are discussing with OH but they are often too close to us to give the most objective help. Hope feel better soon