What should I do... please help

[Bush321]

Hi I’m totally new to this so I don’t know the short hand sorry in advance!

This is going to take a while. I’ve found out I’m pregnant approx 12 weeks. The father of my unborn child was a brief relationship that ended quite badly...
we were seeing each other approximately 3 weeks he was going thru a really hard time and I was trying to be there for him although I knew in my heart it would never work out. He started to become really over bearing constantly telling me he loved me, needing me with him at all times, consistently trying to over power me and assert control. When I found it safe to do so I left immediately never looking back. I have been in this kind of relationship before and knew the signs and that I could not do it again. I blocked him from having any contact wotsoever.

I found out 3 weeks later I was pregnant by him, I slowly tried to speak to him again test the water to c if after the hard time he had went thru he had calmed down any but he was worse than ever, constantly sending me messages, turning up at my place of work, drinking to excess and calling me some of the most horrific names imaginable. This is without him knowing about the baby.

I still haven’t told him, I’m really unsure if it would be the right thing to do. I’m 31 he’s 53 and has told me from the beginning in no uncertain terms does he ever want any more children ( he has 2 adult offspring )

I’m really struggling, initially I thought it would be easier not to have he baby at all, I’m already a single mother with a 12 year old daughter. I have got over the shock and believe I could be an amazing mum the second time round. I have always been on my own with my girl. She has a loving healthy relationship with her dad and his family. She’s an absolute credit to me.

I would be totally on my own, both my parents have passed away within the last 5 years, so I would have no help in that respect. I have a couple of good friends, but no immediate family to speak of.

Would like any advice... should I tell the baby’s dad? Do I have the right to go it alone without consulting him? I’m scared of his reaction and the abuse I will receive on top of wot Ive already had from him?

Thanks in advance for any reply’s x

Reading your post I would say do not tell the dad. Sounds like he would just hang around and be a horrible influence in your life forever more. In fact thank god he doesn't know ! You know you can be a great mum, you need to put your energies into people who will support you if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy, not people who will sabotage your life ! Good luck.

That's my thinking, we stay in quite a small town and I will defo see him in the up and coming months. Especially with him making a point of coming to my place of work every weekend. It'll be hard to conceal my bump soon with it being my second child I'm showing a lot quicker than last time.

Wot if he asks if it's his?? Am I morally wrong to deny it? Xx

Don't tell baby's dad and for goodness don't have the baby! You'll either be on your own with the poor little thing or tied to an impossible man.
You already have a child, you don't need another.

Get to the doctor quick, there's still time.

Please don't make same mistake again.

I have never viewed my daughter or my situation as a mistake she is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I understand it will be difficult being on my own with a new baby especially starting over again when my daughters at high school age.

I just don't think it's as simple as getting rid!! How would I live with myself? Denying another human being life thru no fault of its own. It's not his/her fault he dad is the way he is???

Rebecca , it's up to the Op to choose whether to keep her baby, there's no reason to deem it a mistake. Who are you to tell her what to do ? ! Op, If the guys as much a nightmare as you say I think it's perfectly ok to deny that he's the dad once you start showing. If he didn't want kids he should have taken much more care to not get you pregnant, you owe him nothing.

Thanks tenredthings I was quite shocked at that previous reply!!

I appreciate ur reply. I'm under no illusion it's going to be difficult my life will completely change but I'm sure I'm more than capable of being the good mum I've always been.

Xx

@Rebecca what a horrible reply. It's not your decision thankfully and you can't go round calling other people's children mistakes and telling hem to get an abortion! How vile.

OP in your situation I would deny he is the father, just be prepared with some answers just incase he begins to question it.

You sound like a lovely mum. Baby will be fine in your loving home.

@TheActualLastJedi thank u so much. I really think I can give a baby all the love in the world after all I have done it before.

I 100% believe telling him he's not the father is best for all concerned. Of course the rumour mill will be in full circle in my hometown.

Wot do I say wen anyone asks? That I'm doing it on my own? That it's none of their business... it's so hard x

I suppose the cover story you come up with will depend on how much you want to say.

You could say, you know who the father is but have decided to parent separately and you have no issue with it, and it's your choice.

Vague and direct is probably the best option.

That sounds perfect. I'm hopeless I know I should worry about wot other people think, small town mentality I should be used to it by now x

I can't believe the reply from Rebecca36!!
Don't tell the father, op. He sounds awful, not at all supportive and like he would escalate his behaviour.
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you love and luck xx

Thanks @3girlmama I have decided I will keep the baby, just was so confused if I was doing the rite thing about the father.

I work in a pub so he's well within his rites to come in n have a drink it's just escalates so quickly he becomes quite verbally abusive. I've tried telling him I'm seeing someone else (which I'm not) just for him to back off but nothing seems to work.

I thot about being cruel to be kind and being really offensive back in the hope he would leave me alone but
1- I don't have it in me
2- it would make me no better than him and 3- as it always is in these situations I would be painted to be the bad one as he's had a hard time in recent months