Preparing toddler for new baby

[Skylucy]

I'm expecting a baby boy at the end of October, when my DD will be 20 months old. I'm worried about the effect the arrival of a tiny needy sibling will have on her! Any tips on how to prepare her, and/or how to help her when he arrives?

Bit of background...I'm a SAHM so she's used to it just being the two of us. We've no plans to put her into childcare - my DH will be home with us until the New Year then back to full-time work. Also, I'm planning to breastfeed the new baby, so stopped breastfeeding DD last week - I'm hoping that'll be enough time for her to have forgotten it used to be 'our' thing!

Talking about it, stories, role play games. Maybe get her a doll so when your attention is turned to your newborn she can imitate and do the same with 'her baby'.
If you can get along to any baby/toddler groups and hang around the mums with the smaller babies, perhaps make friends and have a cuddle with the babies so your daughter gets used to you holding another baby? Lots of praise for her being nice and helping. Even more praise if she plays nicely by herself at any point.
A lot of people don't like screen time for young children, but introducing a tablet might be useful if you're desperate when the little one comes along and you just need a few minutes with your daughter occupied 😊
Some toddlers are great with siblings, it isn't until the siblings get older and they need to share toys they find it a bit more difficult. Good luck 😊💕

Oh and I hear that a lot of mums successfully breastfeed toddlers and newborns at the same time - could be an option? x

Thanks so much for this. We were in a toy shop today and I considered getting a doll but couldn't quite bring myself to do it (not my thing!) but will certainly get over myself and give it a go if it would help!

Unfortunately the breastfeeding ship has sailed - I actually got an infection so was forced to stop, and now haven't fed for 10 days. She hasn't looked for it so we've definitely stopped.

Do you have any specific book recommendations?

None come to mind. You could pop along to the local library and ask there. I'm sure they'll be able to point out some good ones.

I just found out I'm pregnant with my second today. My first will be 13-14 months old so hopefully too young to really understand what's going on.
I'm more worried about our cat. It took her 4 months to forgive me for bringing a baby home 😆😆😆

There's a ladybird book Princess Polly 'I'm a new big sister'. It comes with a really annoying sound effect but my 20 month old enjoys it (her baby sister is now nearly 3 months old though).

I'm not a fan of dolls and never had any as a child but my DD has really enjoyed playing with her 'baby' and wanders round winding and feeding her mimicking me.

Another vote for Princess Polly! My DD read it from a similar age and still reads it now. Her DB is now 18 months haha.

If your interested Princess Polly also has a potty book for when the times comes... also found it VERY helpful.

Ooh, never heard of Princess Polly, thanks for the tip! Will also seek out a doll, sigh!!

Congratulations @Pinky333777!

There’s 18 months between my two and in all honesty I don’t think I did anything to prepare my eldest! She knew a new baby was coming along but she was too young to really understand what that actually meant! She took things in her stride, she did watch a fair bit of tv in the very early days while the baby was feeding (i breastfed) but I made sure I went out every day to either a play group or to the park or for a walk around the charity shops to pick up a cheap toy for the eldest to play with!

@matilda1981 TBH I've been thinking she's too little to understand. For instance, I haven't gone down the route of "there's a baby in mama's tummy" because I just know it won't mean anything, or worse, might be upsettingly confusing! So we haven't done anything to prepare her...and then I hit 32 weeks today, panicked and started this thread! I'll definitely look at the recommended books and think about getting a doll for her to 'feed' when I'm feeding baby.

I did nothing to prepare DD for the baby (she was nearly 17mo when DD2 arrived) because I didn't think she would understand (the princess Polly book was a present from a friend after the event) but I did possibly under estimate her understanding.

At 20mo though her understanding is very advanced in comparison to 3 months ago, I'm astounded daily how quickly she is learning and becoming empathetic and articulate.

From about 3wo - 9wo she HATED DD2. At about 3 weeks old she acted like her world had complete ended, distraught and utterly withdrawn for around 10 days leading to indifference/minor assaults through weeks 5-9 . She's turned a corner recently though and my main concern is she might hug DD2 too hard

Whatever happens though she won't remember any of it, and she will be ok. Eventually.

A friend of mine is in the same situation, advice she has had has been the same, about a doll and books. I remember one thing she was told is that the new baby deserves time with just you too, so would be a good idea if you haven't already to get her used to spending some time apart from you so she starts learning to share you now rather than when the new baby is here, so its not the new babies fault, if that makes sense? Sounds so brutal in black and white but especially if she's needy, it can be so hard when you're trying to heal, breast feed new baby, get sorted and pay attention to your eldest!
You'll be fine whatever you do, difficulties wont last forever, all the best xxxx

Oh @pastabest that must have been hard . Good idea @jacko2205, although all my instincts at the moment scream "don't spend a second without her"!

Watching with interest. I'm due in Nov and ds will be 18 months. Like you I haven't prepared him as I don't think he understands. I haven't pointed at my tummy and said baby as I think he would just assume my tummy was called baby 😂

may be worth getting a cheap tablet or (old but still great) a DSi. It will keep her entertained for a few moments while you feed the baby, change it etc. i found this one on gumtree that may be suitable:

www.gumtree.com/p/tablets-ebooks-ereaders/kids-tablet/1311146716

also, the doll and books are all good ideas. perhaps if you get her really involved with the baby (holding him- with your help, singing to him) etc. good luck!

My LG is 20 months and I’m due any day. I’ve told her there’s a baby in my tummy and she got it quite quickly. She hugs and kisses my tummy and I’ve been saying gentle with baby so she strokes my tummy rather than hits it. I think she gets that part as she doesn’t say baby to anyone else’s tummy. But I’m not sure she understands that that will be a real baby soon. I’ve been saying that soon she’ll be able to tickle baby and can sit next to her etc. I was going to get a book but left it a bit late. She’s also been seeing the Moses basket etc and saying night night baby to the basket (she saw our friends baby asleep in one and so seems to have just got that bit herself!). We’ve also got her a doll for when baby is here so she can copy me. My main priority is keeping her life as similar as before baby as possible. I’m expecting some reaction in terms of behaviour etc. But hopefully it’ll pass quickly!

I was so scared and upset thinking my son would feel unloved and abandoned when my second son was born but he was fine, or even than fine! Always see to your toddler first, she will remember being left to cry but a baby won’t, just praise your oldest and tell her how amazing she is, you’ll be great because you care so much x

Someone I know bought a gift for their toddler " from the baby". This was when baby was a few weeks old I think as It really helped the toddler as before she was getting jealous and stroppy quickly. Apparently it worked like a charm - at that age of course you're gonna like people that give you stuff

My kids loved the book "There's a House in my Mummy" which may have led to them rubbing and hugging my tummy which they did a lot along with things like putting sliced fruit on my tummy for the baby (and cause it was funny to watch some of it roll off) or my oldest when I was pregnant with my second did fingerpaint handprints on my belly. Not entirely related to preparing them but years later the photos of those are still among their favourites and it's a fond memory of things we did together in the latter part of my pregnancies that might have made the transition easier.

A word of warning: one of mine who had stopped did try to breastfeed a few times with the newborn. Different parents handle that differently (I just let them try though they didn't remember and quickly moved on) but I thought with what you've posted that it might help for you to know it's some kids do that even if entirely uninterested in it for weeks beforehand.

I would explain that there is a baby growing in mummy's tummy and it will be coming out in a few weeks. (And she will be a Very Important Big Sister.) Have a toy in your hospital bag 'from the baby' for when they first meet after the birth. Also agree that you should get her used to going with others, as you are not going to take her into the labour room, are you? You need to take some practical steps or you could hit problems!
But most of all, realise that you WILL have enough love for two! There will not be less for #1, there will suddenly be a new extra vat for #2.

We liked the books 'There's going to be a baby' and 'Sophie and the new baby' when preparing for DS's arrival, athough DD was 3 by then. But I do think books about it are a big help.

I took DD to the second scan, which was really nice in the end.

DS 'bought' DD a personalised apron with her name on it when he was born and she loved that and really did feel it was from her brother, so these things do count and it doesn't have to be anything big.

Snap, my DD1 behaved exactly the same to DD2. She got over it eventually and now they are great friends.

TBH I'd have thought a 20 month old a bit young to understand much in advance. A baby doll for her would be lovely, though.

My dd1 was just 3 when dd2 arrived, and although we'd tried to prepare her, she still referred to the baby at first as 'that dolly' - and once gave me heart failure, having lifted dd2 out of the pram and brought her to me, clutching her tight around the middle! 'I've got the dolly, Mummy!' She was very good with her though.

Gdd was only 15 months when Gds arrived, so really too young for prep, but she was very excited to see him, and was also very good.
Try not to worry, good luck. And as someone said, re toddler and newborn, 'You need two arms.'

Hi Skylucy, I have a Dd just turned two and am expecting baby no 2 any day now. We've been reading "My New Baby" which she really loves and doing the whole cuddles for baby in my tummy thing. I'm sure it'll still be a bit of a shock to her system though!

I've caved and bought a doll "from baby" to give to her; I'm not keen on the usual baby dolls but found this one: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00MK6L4UM?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf&tag=mumsnetforum-21
Which has clothes to take off and on, and it's own little baby in a sling...Will let you know how it goes down!

I've also started a spreadsheet of local toddler activities which i can bring baby to for when my brain is fried and the winter days are stretching long ahead of me!

A few months can make a big difference in understanding. My toddler was around 18m when my sister in law was pregnant and she was a bit baffled at first and thought she could have a baby in her tummy and kept lifting up everyone’s tops to see but nearer the end when she was around 22 months she did get it. Now I’m pregnant and she’s a bit older than yours at 2y2m but she really seems to understand now (there have been a lot of pregnant mums at nursery which possibly helps though). I wanted to tell her relatively early because she is v boisterous and I was worried about her knocking the baby and having to go in for anti-d. I’ve also been struggling to carry her. She’ll quite often give my tummy a kiss and she’s been stroking my back and being quite lovely. I’ve shown her some of the videos on baby centre of the developing baby. Yours might get it and surprise you. Also mine loves her doll and has been ‘sorting the baby out’ by doing nappy changes etc which is very cute.

DC2 was born just before DC1’s second birthday. Tips I read, and used, focused around relating to DC1 and acknowledging how it feels, and ensuring they don’t feel ‘replaced’.

E.g., we had some special toys and videos that DC1 only got to play with/watch during feeding DC2, so it became something to look forward to rather than feeling like the attention is taken away.

When DC2 cried, we would say to DC1, “He’s very noisy!” and acknowledge how disturbing that was for him, but say e.g. “Baby doesn’t know how to ask for milk yet, so he’s noisy, we’ll give him some milk and then he might feel better” etc. When DC2 started crawling he would follow DC1, which DC1 initially found annoying, so again acknowledge that, “You just want some space, that’s ok I’ll play with DC2, but it’s fun to play with DC2, you can play with us too” etc.

Also getting DC1 involved in baby tasks, like bathing, changing nappies - not actually giving him any responsibility of course! - but asking him to ‘help’.

DC1 got used to it, and once DC2 started toddling and engaging more they started to hang out together. They now share a bedroom, play, DC1 tried to teach DC2 things... (5 and 3 now).