Wedding cancelled and Pregnant

[BumpandMee]

Hello everyone ❤️
I would love some advice - I was due to get married within the last month but unfortunately I found out my partner was unfaithful for a period of time with one particular woman and I cancelled the wedding. There has been other woman but this particular lady lasted 8-9 months affair. Anyway, I have found out I am pregnant now 10 weeks. I am devastated. I have told him and invited him to my first appointment with midwife. Since the appointment, he is adamant the unborn child is not ideal and that abortion is the best solution. I booked in for an abortion last week but cancelled it. I have rebooked it again. I feel it is the best solution 80% of the time but have been crying and worrying the rest. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you x

Oh Darling what an awful situation for you. Firstly do not abort if it's not what you want. The father sounds like an absolute pig and should not be entitled to an opinion on what you do with your baby. Although I fully respect your choice to abort if it's right for you. Just don't let him manipulate your decision. good luck hun x

So sorry to hear this, your head must be all over the place. I agree with the above - do what YOU want to do, don’t be pressured one way or the other by him. He’s treated you awfully and you’re the one who will have to go ahead whatever you decide, so you need to be comfortable with your decision, either way. Have you got anyone in real life you can talk to for support with this? Big hugs.

@verity89 and @Dancer12345 thank you both so much for your reply. I honestly do not know what I want. Part of me feels if I terminated the pregnancy, I wouldn’t have any connection with him. Another part is dealing with heartbreak. I have good family support who have said they will support me whatever I decide but have shown support more so for termination because of the circumstances. I have just finished university last year and have secured a good job so I worried how that will be affected but I also can’t pretend I have a human grown in my stomach. I have had two scans to date due to pain and spotting but everything is ok but everything changes when I see a heartbeat it’s just something else. I’ve tried to be an adult to include him regarding appointments and keeping him informed but it is thrown back at me. I’m just stuck x

Only you can decide but unless you are willing and able to financially support the child alone you will need to have a relationship with this man for 18+ years- can you cope? Neither option is ideal, but try to work out what life would be bringing up the baby without support. Choosing an abortion is not easy, but it will allow you to move on from this man - no one will judge you either way. Please take care.

It is your decision and it’s so so important you don’t base it on pressure from someone else. It isn’t the same for him. In my work I have come across many people whose partners told them to have an abortion and then turned out to be loving and invested fathers once that child arrived. He probably won’t feel the baby as real unless/until it is born. Whereas it is real for you now I bet.

From the way you have explained it - it doesn’t sound like an abortion was on your radar at all until he mentioned it. So the impression I get is that your initial reactions was to have the baby. For that reason I think you need to not rush into it and did the right thing by cancelling the first appointment. Either decision is going to stay with you long term and most likely have a huge impact.

It’s a horrible position to be in. You should never have been treated this way. Yes the circumstances are not what you hoped for but sometimes things work after the crappiest of circumstances. Cancelling the wedding awful but maybe less so than going ahead and finding out later what he is like.

This is really a listen to your heart type decision and I would put what what your heart says above the more head type pro/cons if that makes sense. Practical things can generally be worked out and overcome even if it is bloody hard work!

Seriously all the best for whatever you decide. Be kind to yourself and put you first x

Thank you @cranberry lemonade and @anniehm for breaking it all down for me. This was really helpful and helped me look at the situation from the outside in. Originally, I was like oh ok, I am having a baby. But after the shock, I started thinking of the practical side of things, I have a supportive family emotional not too much on a practical level and the father of the child has made it extremely clear where he stands - his family have strict religious beliefs that if the child is born out of wedlock it should be got rid, even though he is not religious, he feels this is the best decision as he plans to go away to work and offering no support. I have the termination booked for this month however there is times where I see pictures or I see something on tv relating to babies and I cry 😢 is it hormones or is it guilt?

What religion doesnt like babies born out of wedlock but is fine and dandy with abortion? Sounds like bull to me.

Dont inform him of anything. He is a scumbag cheat and liar. You have no need or duty to inform him of any appointments.

It is your decision alone.

C0untDucku1a yeah actually it is a absolute joke. It is sad but this is the way it is. They are Christian people but worry more about how they are perceived and more for ‘show’ and believe this would bring shame on the family. However, I feel this is the right decision majority of the time. Thank you everyone for your replies. Much appreciated.

Thank you ❤️

OP ensure you get counselling over whether you want to keep the pregnancy or not. I don't know who you have booked the abortion through but the BPAS and Marie Stopes both provide counselling.

If you do decide to go through with it then until the baby is born and 6 months old do not involve him at all in the child's life. He has no rights concerning your pregnant body, no rights when you give birth and very few rights after you give birth until the child is weaned.

I just want to say my husband left me after 18 months married. 4 weeks later I discovered I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was delighted as all I ever wanted was a baby. I told him couple of days before dating scan which he came to and he came to the 20 week scan. It was an emotional roller coaster the whole way through I thought at one point we might reconcile but at 7 months along he assured me that wasnt the case. Any way he was there for the birth and it wasnt until DS was 2weeks old but he then completely took full interest out of nowhere and was there all the time for the baby. They definitely struggle to connect to a pregnancy at the best of times and it was such a difficult time but I got through it. I was similar to you I was in a graduate position in my job but knew I could fully raise ds on my own.

If you want this little baby do not let your ex pressure you to do what HE wants. He has had enough of satisfying himself. The fact that you would have the baby is terrifying him. You have to take control be strong and do what is best for you!! Good luck hun xx

You have been so, so wronged by this man my dear. I am so sorry for your broken heart and cannot imagine how overwhelmed you must feel looking around at all the shattered pieces.

I'm going to be a new voice in this discussion and share an unpopular view, but please know it comes with 0% judgment or ridicule. You are in an impossibly difficult position right now, and getting varying advice and messages from all sides. I would be feeling so scared in your shoes, and I commend you for your strength and bravery!

Unpopular view: that little bean growing inside of you is a wee baby. I know society tends to say the opposite, so I'm just going to stand over here as a little whisper saying it is. And I genuinely believe that scientifically, metaphysically, that little bean is a baby. Whatever decision you do make, as it is certainly your right to make the decision either way, I would just so strongly encourage you to consider the thing in your tummy indeed not as "a thing," but as a little growing baby. If you think that's bunk and disagree, fine, I understand and absolutely will not try to convince you. But if any part of you wants to believe this, you will not be believing a lie. If any part of you wants to feel hope and joy over having a baby growing within you, don't let this man or any other person or force within the world choke out that hope or make you feel silly or ashamed for it. I think women considering abortion often feel emotional, and I think there is a lot of shame wrapped up in it either way: shame due to guilt, or shame due to feeling a sense of responsibility to a baby that the rest of the world tells you is not in fact a baby. I just want to empower and encourage you to consider what you believe you have, apart from what society or people may tell you to believe.

If you are feeling afraid/unsure about the practicalities of having a baby, I would be so happy to chat with you more about support services, your rights to maternity allowance, etc. As a Christian myself, I must tell you how deplorable I think it is that your ex and his family are pressuring you on any grounds, let alone religious ones, to get an abortion. As a Christian, I think it would be an act of beauty and bravery if you decided to keep this child--not that you need approval from me or my faith. I'd just like to say definitively that your ex and his family have nothing to do with true Christianity.

What's more, your ex should have nothing to do with the decision you make. If he does not want you or this baby, you never need to see him again, whether you keep the baby or not. If he has a ''change of heart" and decides he wants to be a father to the child, then his rights will still be limited, and he would need to earn those rights either from getting your agreement, or from the court.

"An unmarried father can get parental responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways:

• jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)
• getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother
• getting a parental responsibility order from a court."

(www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility)

Finally, if you decide that you do believe you have a baby growing inside you, but feel firmly that you do not want to or cannot keep the baby, I would strongly encourage you to consider the pathway of adoption.

I know this topic is filled with so many feelings and strong convictions on either side. For my part, I would like to offer you support, encouragement, and information. I entreat you to have this baby and embrace those mama instincts that I believe are bubbling to the surface, but I affirm your right to choose to do otherwise. I will not judge you for whatever choice you make.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat more. I am a relatively new mama to a baby which my husband and I hadn't planned to get pregnant with. We are both in our first years of marriage, and both students with massive amounts of student loan debt and no solid plans for the future. I know how hard and scary motherhood can be and would love to be a mama friend to you :-)

Sounds like he may be putting pressure on you. If you've cancelled then I'd say you probably deep down do not want this abortion. Once it's done you can't go back. Don't give in to pressure from others and go with your heart and own feelings

Thank you to everyone who has replied, today has been emotional for me as my sisters friend got married and me and my mum went and saw her, I was so so happy for her but inside I was crying because I wouldn’t have been married 5 weeks yesterday. I kept my tears in until I got home. Im totally heartbroken. I have a lot of thinking to do about this pregnancy. Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond x

So sorry to hear you’re in this situation, my heart really goes out to you.

My advice on matter such as this tends towards the ‘listen to your heart and your gut’ variety. Of course there are practicalities to be considered, however I think the answer lies with your instinct on this one.

Pressure from him and both family opinions aside, do you feel you would go ahead with the pregnancy? The scenario is of course a different one as relationship with your ex does have to be considered, but it may help to think how you would feel if this pregnancy was the result of a one night stand?

You wouldn't have chosen the user name you did if you weren't committed to this pregnancy. All the best, OP - you will be absolutely fine.

My heart goes out to you- what a sad situation to be in. Despite the pain and grief you must be feeling over your lost marriage, remember you’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. In the future, you could meet and fall in love with a decent guy, marry and start a family together - with or without this child in it.

This future is possible with or without this baby. I know people who have found happiness with a new partner after having a baby in similar circumstances to you. So despite the heartbreak, you will get over it and you will likely find love again.

The tricky bit - if you decide to have the baby - is the constant tie to your ex and how you choose to manage that. You could have nothing to do with him - but your child might be resentful that you’ve denied them a relationship with their father. You can have him fully involved and get maintenance money. He will have a lot of control over the relationship if you allow him to be involved. You need to think about whether you can cope with managing this link to him for the rest of your life. That would be one of the main factors in my decision if I was in your shoes.

Good luck and try not to think about all the short term practical stuff as you will work all that out.

If I were you I would definitely have an abortion. (Assuming you aren't old and this your last chance to get pregnant)

In a few years time you could be in another relationship and could get pregnant in a much more positive situation. Where the baby would be wanted by both parents and where the parents loved each other. You wouldn't have to involve someone who didn't want the baby. Imagine having to deal with your ex for the rest of your life (its not just until he/she is 18!). How is that healthy for you or your baby/future baby. Your ex sounds like a tool - I wouldn't want him to be anyone's father.

If in future you don't settle down you could have a baby on your own but at least that would be a positive choice rather than the situation you are in now.

People's views on abortion are very personal and clearly mine are that it's ok. I haven't gone through it myself but I know I couldn't stand having a nasty ex as my child's father.

I think that if you have any doubt about abortion being the right thing, then you should go ahead with the pregnancy. While there might be practical, sensible reasons to not become a parent right now, if you feel that you want this baby, then that's the voice you should listen to - everything else is fixable in the long term but you can't take back an abortion that you didn't really want to have. I think that if it wasn't for him pressuring you, your instinct was to have the baby.
Either way though, I think you need to stop communicating with him - he has made it clear where he stands and I think communicating with him stops you from being able to think about what you want, first and foremost.
If you go ahead, keep him out of it and plan as if he doesn't exist. Don't put him on the bc because you will be giving him parental rights automatically by doing so. If he steps up and fights to be included (which includes financial support for the baby, not just dipping in out at will) then all well and good, but make your choices as if he is not going to be involved because that's the more realistic outcome.

Thank you everybody for all your messages, I have read everyone so many times.
Tonight I am in hospital as I have ketones in my urine, I am having extreme sickness with the pregnancy and diarrhoea so I’m dehydrated. One bag of iv fluids didn’t decrease ketones so I am on another bag and gynae are coming to see me. I have arranged for a termination next weekend. I feel this is probably the best thing as the father has pretended he doesn’t know me or that I am pregnant. Unfortunately he hasn’t left the property we live in together which is currently going through solicitors but doesn’t arrive back into house until 1-2AM every night. I informed him i was in hospital etc and asked him to feed our cat and he just replied ok. I had a cry but knew how could he be a father to any child.

Good luck lovely you didn’t deserve this.

Thank you so much EvaHarknessRose

Oh my you poor thing- you must be very sick if you have ketones in your urine. I’m currently suffering from D&V with pregnancy but you sound very unwell because of it. Let the doctors look after you, don’t rush home and get all the support you can including asking for counselling (now or when you’re ready). So sorry you’re having to go through this. Hope your physical health improves soon with the hospital care.

I'm sorry you are so poorly and that he's been such an arse about it all