Conceiving with donor eggs - looking for advice and wisdom

[fruityloop3]

My husband and I have started to think seriously about conceiving with donor eggs after two years of TTC, as I have low ovarian reserve (even for my age - 40) and a high risk of fetal anomaly following an earlier pregnancy which we decided to end. I've also had a miscarriage and an unsuccessful round of IVF.

I think my preference would be to ask a close family member to donate. It feels attractive because then my family and I would have that genetic link with the child (although I hope that growing them for 9 months would give me at least a pretty solid connection, whatever!) And it would mean that when they were old enough they could be told who their donor mum was, which feels positive from the point of view of their identity formation.

But that may not be possible so we are also thinking about using an anonymous donor. It troubles me to think the donor would be a stranger, but I take comfort from the fact that we would at least know one thing about them, which is that they were a kind person who wanted to help others, by donating their eggs in the first place. Kindness seems like a nice trait to hand onto your child!

I would love to hear from anyone who has conceived a child this way, if you can help with any of the following questions:

• How long did you have to wait to be matched with an egg donor? I've heard it can be a long time.
• Did you register with a number of different clinics to try to get a match asap (we are in London)?
• How did you feel about the sense of bringing 'unknown' genetic material into your family (if you used an anonymous donor)? How did you help your close family get comfortable with it?
• How did you go about letting family, friends and new people in your life know (if you do), that your child was conceived with a donor egg, including as the child gets older?
• At what age did you talk to your child about it, and how did they respond?
• Did you find that you bonded with the baby before and after birth as you had hoped you would?

Thank you for any advice and wisdom!

Hi @fruityloop3

You'll get more response on either the infertility forum or donor conception forum. Good luck

Thanks, yes I realised I was in the wrong place! Mumsnet novice...

Hi OP, I can’t answer any of your above questions but I was an anonymous egg donor. If you wanted to ask anything about the donor side of things feel free.

Hi Darkstar, thank you for your offer! Yes I’d love to understand a little bit about your story and your motivations, and how you found the process of donating eggs in the UK (I’m assuming it was since full anonymity for donors was removed in ? 2004). Did you have a family of your own at the time you donated? I’d love to know how you and those close to you feel about the possibility of children conceived with your eggs reaching out to you when they’re 18. Also how you felt about running the (albeit low) risks associated with egg collection (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome etc). Thank you!! X

@fruityloop3 I have many of these same questions and have started researching donor eggs having had 2 failed rounds of IVF and low odds due to age. I found donor conceived network a suportive and useful website to help me thibk about it. I’ve also ruled our European clinics as they don’t have the same right to trace as is legally required for donors in the UK.

I too would love a known donor but don’t have anyone who fits the HFEA requirements.

@darkstar4855 I would love to hear how you would feel about being contacted by your donor biological offspring at age 18 should they choose to trace you?

Hi OP

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with donor egg.
I'm 41 and had 4 rounds of ivf all which were unsuccessful. Like you I have very low ovarian reserve and it really was the only option to go down the donor route or else give up the idea of being a Mum.

I had huge reservations for a long time and shed many many tears whilst trying to decide if I was doing the right thing. Even through the donor ivf cycle I was still not completely 100% on board! BUT now I'm pregnant I totally know it's the best decision I ever made. The baby in my tummy is mine, no one else's. I hardly ever even remember it's donor eggs even though I'm still only 20 weeks pregnant!
God knows that if my son ever decides he wants to track down the donor then I'd be right beside him ready to give her the biggest hug and thank her for being so selfless and giving me the chance to be a mummy.

I still can't believe I've been so lucky!

Good luck with your journey whatever you decide.

Yes, I am in the UK. I was 28 when I donated, I was a medical student at the time and had just done a project working a lot with women who were ttc and/or had suffered from miscarriage. I don’t remember what gave me the idea to donate but I was single at the time and nowhere close to having children and felt that I had eggs effectively ‘going to waste’ every month so why not donate them to someone that could use them.

They did counsel me about the risks especially as I didn’t have children of my own, in particular how would I feel if I donated successfully but couldn't then have children of my own later on. I talked it over with one of the NHS fertility consultants and felt that the risks were low enough for me to be comfortable with. I also knew I wanted to have children at some point and I felt strongly that if I was in the position of needing donor eggs then I would hope that someone would donate for me, therefore it felt right to do it for someone else - a kind of “there but for the grace of god go I” feeling.

The actual process was fine, I didn’t have the stress of ttc though which probably helped! I had screening blood tests and a consultation where they went through all my past medical history as well as the counselling session. I felt a bit bloated and uncomfortable towards the end and for a few days after the egg collection but that was it. They retrieved 14 eggs which were split between two couples. I know that one couple had twins from a fresh transfer that cycle and as far as I know that was the only birth. However I consented for freezing of embryos as well so there is a chance that either couple might have had a successful frozen transfer later on.

Ten years later I’m now six months pregnant with my first child. I have never had any regrets about donating and it’s an especially nice feeling now to think that somebody else got to experience pregnancy and motherhood because of my donation. I don’t feel any maternal connection at all to the donor children although obviously I hope that they are happy and healthy. My partner is fully aware and doesn’t have any issues about it.

My contact details are with the HFEA so they could track me down at 18 if they wanted to (and if their parents tell them they are donor conceived). I would be happy to meet with them (and their parents) if they were curious about their genetic background. I don’t think I would object to them meeting my own child if they wanted to (as technically they will be half-siblings) but I probably would not want to explain the biological relationship to my child until he/she is old enough to understand, if that makes sense. But if I never hear from them I wouldn’t mind that either and I wouldn’t be offended if they knew about me but didn’t feel they wanted to get in touch.

I hope that helps, feel free to ask anything else you like.

Thank you so much @Darkstar4855 it’s so helpful and reassuring to read this.

Yes, thank you Dark Star, it’s an incredible thing that you did, and it really helps me to hear the tale from the donor’s perspective. And thank you Too Many Slippers for sharing your story too. It’s reassuring to know that you feel such a strong connection with your baby already. Good luck both of you with your pregnancies!! 💐

OP, I have a baby by donor egg.
Im an older Mum but also found out during investigations that I had blocked tubes which was the primary reason why I wasn't conceiving-we had a failed IVF and I think we had been lead to believe it was likely to happen, it was only after the 'debrief' that the reality of the likelihood of getting pregnant was about 5% max that we considered using a donor.
I did actually find an altruistic donor but she messed me around prior to us meeting and she later admitted she was unexpectedly pregnant and was willing to go ahead if we waited. The one thing I really didn't have was time so I looked at clinics which I had previously thought were very cold in the way you chose your donor but after that let down I was worried about the donor having any control and the likelihood of it all going wrong so we decided to go for it. It wasn't an easy decision but the alternative was never having grandchildren or a family of my own.
The whole process is easier than IVF and it has never really bothered me too much that the baby isnt made of my eggs-we only told a couple of friends and we are unsure if we will tell the baby when older-the baby looks like me (very important to me) so its not obvious-I grew the baby and they are very much my child now.

HTH

seriously, this is the last time I ever share my story in the hope of helping someone else-an acknowledgement would have been nice!

I’m sorry I didn’t get back sooner to say thank you Turahturah, I’m not able to get on my phone much during the day. I really appreciate you sharing your experience, particularly the difficulties you had with the donor you had recruited, which must have been a huge let down at the time. I’m really glad it ended well for you though!