Hey all,
Apologies in advance, this is gonna be a long one!
I found out I was pregnant a few days ago - huge shock, as we had a slip up while off the pill, and only reason I was off bc was because I'd been advised to take a break from it due to PCOS. Had a scan about a month and a half ago, and there was a dramatic increase in the number of ovarian cysts I had. Had been bleeding heavily (often clots) while on the pill for about a month beforehand and experiencing crippling cramps, so when I saw doctor she advised I took a break from it for a few months as the hormones clearly wren't agreeing with me, and to let my body 'reset'.
After our slip up, my boyfriend felt strongly that I should take the morning after pill. I didn't feel this was necessary, as my PCOS was the worst its ever been, but did it t give him peace of mind. A couple of weeks passed and I was starting to get bad cramping, so felt sure my period was coming. However, no bleed occurred. My breasts started getting really tender - to the point it's sometimes painful putting on a bra or even brushing against them - and my bf suggested we do a pregnancy test. I didn't think there was any chance of pregnancy because of the combo of PCOS and morning after pill, and simply thought these were really intense pre-period symptoms. Did a test, again to put his mind at ease, and there it was: two lines. Faint, but definitely there.
We went to Family Planning the next day where a nurse confirmed we were pregnant. We were both still in shock, but honestly, as falling pregnant is something I've always imagined I'd struggle with, I was excited. When we started to discuss, however, reality set in. Just to explain our situation: he's 24 and I'm 25. We both have good jobs with decent salaries (22k each); however, I only started my job this week, so feel a little nervous in the regard that I've just started, and could potentially be talking to them about maternity leave so soon. We've only been together four months, but that doesn't scare me - we've discussed marriage and kids from the very start of our relationship, and I know (esp in comparison to previous relationships we've both been in) he's who I'll be with for the rest of my life. We applied for a flat this week - days before finding out about the pregnancy - so were already planning on moving in together in October. We have support from both our families on whatever decision we make.
Our dilemmas are financial and in terms of lifestyle change. We know that financially we're more fortunate than many, but obviously a baby is still huge in terms of cost. We don't want to be raising a baby in a flat, and would like to get a house after our six month contract is up. We both have savings for a deposit, but know we'd be scraping to get by, at least initially, juggling first baby and first home. We also don't have a car, and he doesn't drive yet, so would need to pay for lessons and a car/insurance.
We're mostly apprehensive about if we're ready to be the parents we want to be - we both know we want kids and a family, but had always thought in a couple of years time when we're settled and feel like we could give them the best start in life we could offer. I'm worried having a baby will make things like getting a house difficult, as I know our money will go towards it first. I'm worried in case it's a long time before we're settled the way we want to be.
Also, perhaps selfishly, we're concerned about the fact that it will pretty much erase our quality time together. Neither of our families live nearby, and we know things like date nights and holidays, or just evenings where we can chill and watch tv, will be scarce if not impossible for a while. We've only been together four months, and neither of us know if we're ready to lose that time together quite so soon.
My bf is so, so supportive, and I know he'll back me whatever I choose, but I'm just really struggling to decide. Logically, I know that we probably aren't ready, and that in a couple of years we'd be far better poised to start a family. But every time I think about an abortion, I get upset, sometimes to the point of hysteria. When he brings up practical issues, I can get snappy and defensive. I told him he didn't understand like I did, because he couldn't feel the changes in his body. It wasn't fair and I hate being like that, but I already feel protective of the baby. He's worried if we go through with an abortion, it will really affect me mentally, and I can't disagree with him because I know I'll be devastated. I feel sure I could move past it, but if we struggled to conceive in the future, I don't think I could forgive myself. Even things like holidays, I'm worried I'll be resentful on them because I'll feel like the reason we're on it is because we didn't have the baby.
Deep down, I feel like an abortion is the right thing for us at this point. It's just the idea of going through with it destroys me, and I find it really hard to even discuss. We have consultations booked with both BPAS, for a scan, health check, and discussion about whether abortion is right for us or not, (4th September) and a midwife (13th September), so still have time to decide.
Sorry again this is so long - I started typing and couldn't stop! Just felt like I had to get all of it off my chest and share all the little things on my mind to help get the right advice. Any input welcome, I've never felt so lost.