Feelings of dread

[MJ1383]

Hi everyone

I’m hoping for some reassurance as my feelings are really confusing me. I am 35 (just) and never wanted children, but in the last few years my best friend had a little boy and so did my brother, they’re both lovely kids and they love me and my husband and it swayed my feelings somewhat. My husband is great with kids. Anyway long story short I came off the pill in April and had a positive test last week, am just over 4 weeks. At first I was really excited but in the last few days all I have felt is dread and worry and I feel so guilty/bad for feeling this way 😔 I want to be excited and it’s causing arguments with hub. He’s even said I should terminate if I feel this bad but I feel awful to even consider that when it was our choice to begin with. I also don’t want to end up regretting having a child, I don’t think we would but it does worry me especially as we are a little older (hub is 40). Has anyone else had these feelings, is it possibly just shock and hormones? Did they go away? Thank you for reading x

Yes, I’ve always known I wanted children but even so I’ve never felt happy the 3 times I’ve been pregnant. Instant regret, fear that life is going to change. It’s all normal. It should go away in a few weeks!

Same here OP! I felt that way when I fell pregnant with very much wanted and planned for DS 1, I'm now 5weeks pregnant with DC2 and feeling it all over again. How will I cope with 2 under 2? Have I ruined DS's little life? Will I ever leave the house? How will I manage to give birth again?

Daft isn't it! As soon as that bundle arrives you'll forget you ever wrote this thread.

Good luck with the pregnancy, sounds like our babies will be born around the same time

Thank you everyone for the fast responses, it’s a relief that this seems to be quite normal. Hopefully after another couple of weeks it will have sunk in more and will feel excited again

househunthappening - yay, my first baby buddy! Somehow that’s really cheered me up ☺️

I felt like that quite often during my pregnancy. I never really felt any ‘connection’ to by bump, and the whole thing felt quite abstract. I think there is a lot of assumptions that as a pregnant woman you ‘fall in love’ with your unborn baby. I never really got that, but did get more excited towards the end.

DD is 15 months now and is a total joy. She is literally the best thing ever!!!

Yup husband is so confused because of exactly that, including his mum saying how joyful she was 😂

I’m just 35 and 13 weeks today and although this baby is much wanted and loved already I think it’s natural to feel some dread and mourn you’re previous child free existence, especially if you’ve been happy as it sounds like you have. I wouldn’t worry too much!

And honestly don't worry about your age. Since having DS I've made all sorts of mum friends, some a lot younger, some a lot older. It doesn't make much difference because you've all got this one thing in common which helps break the ice, then you'll work out from there whether you're going to be friends or not.

My brother and his wife had their first 5 weeks after our son was born. They are nearly 10 years older than us but we all still talk about the same stuff - sleepless nights are the same whether you're 25, 35 or 45!

Yeah it’s stuff like lack of sleep etc I think as I’m not good when tired but I imagine that’s the same with a lot of people and you just adapt. I’m lucky I can have a year off work as I get 6 months full pay and have a good job. I’m lucky in a lot of ways which also makes me feel bad for these doubts 😬

Perfectly normal! It took 13 months to conceive DD1 and I still have the ‘what the hell have we done?’ feeling when we got the positive tests.
I’m now 22 weeks with a planned number 3 and still have feelings of panic/dread when I think about the lack of sleep, plus worry about how it will change the dynamics of our family. But I know realistically that it will be fine!
Congratulations.

Thank you 😊 I’ve pulled myself together a bit I think having spent an hour playing with my finances spreadsheet 😂 (I’m an accountant) and a good chat with my best friend plus all your lovely posts. I think the big thing for me is I can’t imagine what we will do for the next 30 odd years otherwise if that makes any sense. I fear we would become old very quickly and have regrets. I’ll save this post for when I’m on my millionth sleepless night cursing my husband etc I think 😂😂

I'm 31, really wanted and planned this baby, and I've gone up and down this pregnancy on whether I really want this or not... it is life changing and I like my life as it is! However I am trying to see it as a new chapter.

Just wanted to say OP I feel exactly the same, and you're not alone - this pregnancy wasn't totally planned but wasn't avoided if that makes sense. Me and OH have been together a long time and spoken about babies a lot, OH is late 30's and I'm 30. I was so excited about having babies, and it's something I've always wanted. Now I'm pregnant, it's like i'm a different person. I lie awake at night worrying about money, whether our lives are now over, am I losing my identity, have I fulfilled my dreams?! I've found watching Youtube videos and going on social media makes me feel a billion times worse because of all these women that are sooooooo happy in their first trimester and totally not like myself so I've stopped doing that. I remind myself that, like you said, no one regrets their children. I am also going to look into seeing someone to talk about possible ante-natal depression. I've probably not helped much! but wanted you to know you're not alone

Thank you, yes it does help. I’m feeling a bit better now, it seems really common to feel this way. I’m hoping it’ll just be a new kind of life, my friends all say they made new friends and also having a child keeps you young etc. I’m not in denial that it’s going to be hard and I have been prone to anxiety and depression so will also be keeping an eye on my mood, I think you’re very sensible to do so. I’m here if you ever want to talk ☺️ Don’t worry about the glowing ones, from what I’ve seen and heard so far we are the more normal ones 😂

Just wanted to say to OP and PP, I can completeky relate! Currently 16 weeks with first baby, partner and I had been talking about it for a while but I was convinced that it would take ages (my cycle is a bit loopy). Ended up getting pregnant immediately (we had unprotected sex once) and I immediately had a meltdown, despite knowing how incredibly lucky we are that it happened so easily.

I did end up with a short but intense period of antenatal depression at 8/9 weeks, which has thankfully passed now, but I definitely still have moments of "What the hell have we done?" I've always, always wanted children, and I frequently find myself wondering if I even like kids now! I've stopped beating myself up over that, I know it's just the anxiety talking.

I'm sure it's perfectly normal to feel like this! Life is about to change in a huge way, and (especially for first babies), we have no frame of reference for it. Of course it's scary - who wouldn't be, if told that your life is about to change but in a way that no one can explain. If you're prone to feeling anxious, your mind just fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. It definitely doesn't help that the expectation is that pregnant women should be over the moon, all the time. Stay strong - enjoy the happy days, and care for yourself with the low moments. I've found a walk, a bath and a podcast (I'm a nerd for them!) helps to get me out of my panic mind xx

Lovely post, thank you ☺️☺️ We don’t have a bath at the moment 😂 due to get it put in pronto though and this weekend I’m going to my parents to make use of theirs!!

This is really, really normal and actually a good sign. A good parent is one who worries and sometimes doubts themselves, it just shows you care and don’t want to let the child down!

Congratulations , it’s a real rollercoaster but so worth it.

I could echo your feelings and the views of the other posters. You are not alone.

I'm just in front of you at 10 weeks, and felt exactly the same. I had rather assumed DH and I wouldn't be that fertile, so was "safe" pretending to try for the baby he desperately wants. Turns out first time unlucky and I cried hysterically at the test result. Close family are all delighted, which I found particularly hard while laid up with pretty debilitating MS (found myself shouting at DH "Why are they reveling in my sickness and unhappiness?!").

My manager at work has been AMAZING (had many a non-work convo, and she pointed out that many women don't feel elated and that's fine, it won't stop you being a great mother) and at my booking appointment the midwife was equally supportive (did check I wanted to go ahead with the birth, and generally made me feel less of a selfish sod). DH was worried about me to start with, and mentioned a termination several times, but I really do want to give him the child he wants seeing as we have got this far - although this will be an only child! Poor thing...

I am concerned how I will cope when the baby gets here, as I generally hate babies and stay as far away from them as possible. I am holding on to the stories on MN about non-maternal women coping fine with their own kids, and hoping for the best!

You’re basically me!! We’ve been through the same rollercoaster. It was slightly more mutual but I think on some level I didn’t think it would happen 😂 but yes many a person has told me it’s very different with your own x