Hormonal upset or genuine reason?

[Millypad]

Important to say that DH is very supportive, kind and wonderful and I am for the most part a very lucky girl.

I just wondered if I am being unreasonable at the moment or whether it’s fair of me to feel a bit miffed. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and DH is currently on a ten day holiday to South America with some of his family - they’re wildlife bods and looking for good birds out there. It was booked before I was preggers and he kept saying ‘if you don’t want me to go, I won’t go,’ which - tbf - I didn’t. This is the third holiday while I’ve been upduffed though, firstly to Detroit for four days to see a family member, then to Colorado for a week (I was supposed to go but doc advised I shouldn’t fly, so he went but cut it short, it was supposed to be a fortnight) and now this one. With all of them he’s said ‘if you don’t want me to go, I won’t’ and I never have because I don’t want to be seen to be unreasonable or unfair and him and his lovely family are very close and I don’t want to get in the way of that. But four days into the hol am starting to feel a bit left behind, and a bit sad. Maybe I’m just resentful cos I’ve not had a holiday this year, but I would have loved it if he’d taken the decision not to go instead of always putting the ball in my court. Is this totally unfair? Should I keep my hormonal sniffings to myself or do I approach this at some point?

I think it is unreasonable to say "fine" when you actually mean "I don't want you to go", and then resent DH for not reading your mind. Communication is important and it's not worth letting resentment fester and grow into something more when you could avoid that by just communicating your true feelings. The problem with not having been straight with him when he asked is that if you now let him know how upset you are, there is nothing he can do to fix the problem - he's already taken the trip and can't un-do that.

That said, unless you are experiencing some health problems with your pregnancy, I think it would be unreasonable to expect your DH to change plans which were made before you were pregnant, just because you're pregnant.

He can’t read your mind. If you tell him it’s fine then why would he think otherwise?
However, are you having a complicated pregnancy? Just wondering why you were told not to fly? I have flown multiple times in all of my pregnancies. If it is a complicated pregnancy and you’re suffering health issues I can potentially see why you’d want him to change plans (depending what the health issues are).

I’m sure you’re right, and I’ve been thinking that all along. It’s just such a fine line to tread, communicating your feelings without being ‘the shrewish wife’ and I don’t ever want to be that. I don’t know, I just wish I didn’t feel so damn sad about it. I’m sure it’s hormones but I just feel lonely. Am staying with my lovely parents but I miss him and wish he was here for more if the journey.

@soydora - I had a bleed the day before we were due to fly and had to be kept in hospital for 24 hours. The doc said all was fine but didn’t advise the 10 hour flight. TBF DH was really on the fence about going but I knew how much he wanted to see his sister who lives out there so he went, but cut it short. Touch wood all seems fine pregnancy wise now...

Ah ok. I can see why it would be upsetting to miss your holiday at such late notice.
The other trips though... if you were happy for him to go alone before you were pregnant then I don’t think you can really change your mind now that you are pregnant, especially as you have been telling him you’re happy for him to go.
I hope you have a nice time with your parents.

Yes you’re right, thanks ladies for putting me straight - I will suck it up. Hopefully this teariness will disappear soon, and I’ll be back to bouncy self!

I agree completely with @1Wanda1. It sound like he has tried to be considerate by offering to cancel and if you didn’t say anything at the time then it’s a bit unfair to bring it up now that it’s too late to do anything.

I would try and focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better now. What about planning a little getaway for the two of you when he gets back? There are options if you can’t fly: plenty of luxury resorts, cottages and spa hotels in the UK or you could take the train/ferry to Europe or even do a mini cruise. Planning a trip might be a bit of a distraction and give you something to look forward to.

Otherwise can you treat yourself to a nice day out or two while he’s away? A posh afternoon tea out or a spa session with family/friends maybe? Or even something simple like the cinema and a meal out? Hopefully you won’t feel quite so left out if you’re busy enjoying yourself too.

That’s a nice idea @darkstar - we can do something nice upon his return and once he’s settled back into term time. Thank you!

It's not shrewish to put your own feelings on an equal footing to his. When the babe arrives you may need to be more direct about what you want or need, because at times you'll both be tired and if you end up being a martyr to save his feelings resentment will follow.

I agree plan something nice for yourself or the pair of you, it seems a shame that youve missed out. He sounds like a decent sort, perhaps ask him to take the initiative and put you first a bit more - you're pregnant and that deserves a little extra consideration.

@talith - thank you, I think you’re right, I definitely need to be a bit more upfront about everything. He’s a good ‘un, I think it helps that we were friends for years before getting together - just got to remember how to communicate better sometimes.