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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Nobody to look after kids whist in labour

25 replies

Islasummerjoel · 19/08/2018 13:53

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and this is my third child. My dd is 4 years old and my second dd is 1 in September. There Is going to be 14 months between my youngest and baby who is due in early November. Due to previous c section I am opting for an elected cesarean so at least I will know the date that ds will be born.

My youngest daughter has severe separation anxiety and will scream and cry hysterically if she is left with her grandparents. We don't have much support and only my husbands parents bother with our children. They are in their 60s and finding it difficult having her for just one hour when she is screaming never mind for a whole day whilst I'm having a section. It's worse that when we do leave her they txt us after 30 minutes telling us how bad she is so whilst I am in labour I would be getting constant messages about how awful she is being for them.

My husband says that they should just deal with it for one day and that I shouldn't worry about it but I think it is a lot to put on them when she screams none stop for hours. We take her round all the time and she is perfect with them whilst we are there.

Aside from them there is nobody to look after her. Should I just accept that she is going to cry for them and it's an exceptional circumstance or should I go to hospital alone. I brought this up with my dh and he hit the roof saying I was being stupid and that he's not missing his son being born and we had a massive argument. I'm looking for some advice on what the hell I'm meant to do because it's really getting me down.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

JackietheBackie · 19/08/2018 13:56

Well you have a bit more time and she might grow out of this phase. Otherwise, I would agree with you. It isn't fair on anyone for her to be screaming

SleepyMcEdie · 19/08/2018 13:56

At 14 Months it’s just a phase not really separation anxiety. I assume you don’t work and so she isn’t used to being left in any childcare situation.

Honestly, I would leave her with her grandparents and turn your phone off while you have your C section. It’s only a few hours and then your DH can go and collect her.

donajimena · 19/08/2018 13:58

You've got until November to sort this. Can you afford a nursery? They will be used to separation anxiety and may be a better solution than grandparents adding to the stress.
Its unfair to insist your husband misses the birth. He's right she will have to get on with it but you have plenty of time to work on it

Eeeeek2 · 19/08/2018 13:59

Do you spend any time with the in laws with your dd, can you do some fun days out with them and take a slight back seat. So for example go to feed the ducks and you sit on the bench whilst grandparents and children are feeding the duck. She can still see you but you're not right there, get her more use to being with them.

How is she if you leave her with dh?

littledinaco · 19/08/2018 14:01

I went into hospital without my DH for my 2nd and 3rd as I felt they would be happier with their dad. This then meant I was more relaxed as I knew they were ok and not worried about them getting upset with other people, etc.

That was the right choice for me and my DH decided that wanting to be at the birth was his needs and that the DC would be happier if he stayed at home and I that I would be more relaxed too.

I also wanted a smooth a transition with new baby as possible and I felt that me going to hospital plus them being upset without me and DH would make it harder. I wanted to try and keep things as stress free for them as I could.

TrippingTheVelvet · 19/08/2018 14:03

Can your husband look after her and someone else like your mum or a good friend go with you?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 19/08/2018 14:05

Umm you have their other parent!!

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 19/08/2018 14:07

Also, how will you be in labour if you are having an elective C?

Aridane · 19/08/2018 14:09

Use the next 2 months to get her ready?? As another poster has said, go to grandparents but take a back seat / be in another room etc.

Jessiemay88 · 19/08/2018 14:12

Id leave husband with them...until you are told its your turn. U can be waiting all day for a section and it takes a while to prep. hubby could drive over as soon as you get the go ahead. At least that way your lo is not upset too long

MinaPaws · 19/08/2018 14:13

Can you get her and them ready for it? Talk to her about why she has to go, and put her in as much control as she can be. What teddy does she want to take? What snacks? What PJs etc.

Tell her you'll write her a letter for every day she stays with granny. Piut cards in, saying good night each night etc, and maybe tiny presents too. Give her a set of worry dolls to talk to and tuck under her pillow. That sort of thing is surprisingly effective. Scared DC mainly need to know that you hear they;re scared and you accept that's how they feel and will comfort them as best you can.

One way to help with separation anxiety is to allow the child to focus on something to do with the parent. So if granny helps her bake you a cake, make you a card etc, that would help.

You've got loads of time to prep her for this.

PollyFlinderz · 19/08/2018 14:14

Your husband is being massively unreasonable and needs to be told its in the childrens best interest for him to be at home looking after them under the circumstances.

Zipadeedoodah2 · 19/08/2018 14:25

I'd get the inlaws involved lots more now so that your daughter is used to them. Do trips out together (with you always around in the beginning) then gradually wean yourself away from them. You've got a good amount to time until the birth

Sandsnake · 19/08/2018 14:30

I agree with your husband. The birth of a child is a really important moment that you can never get back. It would be one thing if you both agreed that he should miss the birth - but if you insist then that seems like a recipe for resentment. In general I agree that the child’s needs should come first, but this obviously has to be qualified to an extent and I think this is one of those situations.

As pp say - you have some time to work on this. I had a very clingy baby at that age so I do understand how tough it can be. I went back to work at 12 months so we didn’t have much choice. We left him at nursery / with grandparents and he did get there - it just took a little while. It didn’t affect our bond at all, and I genuinely think that the extra independence helped him. In your case it would also probably help prepare your DD for the reality of when new baby comes and realistically she won’t be able to have quite as much of your attention.

I realise this is all easier said than done though! Good luck with it, sounds like a stressful situation.

WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 19/08/2018 14:44

Is it labour or c-section? You've said both so far.

Does she have a nursery or childminder?

Do you have a friend that can be with you during the section if DH is home with DD?
Not ideal, but it's not an ideal situation so something's gonna have to give.

Original poster

Islasummerjoel · 19/08/2018 14:52

I got pregnant whilst on maternity leave and she was put in a nursery when I went back to work. They tried all sorts to get her to settle but she refused to eat or drink anything and they kept calling me to come out of work and get her. I reduced her to half days and still she wouldn't settle so after 2 and half months the nursery said they couldn't do it anymore. I took voluntary redundancy from work which is where we're at now and she is with me all the time.

The grandparents have a caravan and are retired so they spend a lot of their time in Wales so don't see her as much as they did my oldest. She is nearly 5 and has no problems being left with anyone.

I don't want my husband to miss the birth and he says it's one day of his parents lives to have her crying then she will be back and home and in a way agree with him.

My youngest has tried nursery but that didn't help and I've tried making her.comfortable with the grandparents but I guess it's just a phase she will grow out of in time.

OP posts:

barrythebeesknees · 19/08/2018 15:00

I would build up to this so when you at grandparents nip to get something out of the car for 5 minutes. But come back all breezily as if you never left. Do this a few times each visit. Also don't make the mistake of saying bye simply sneak out she probably won't even realise your gone. Make the time your out of the room longer each time and she will get used to it. This will be a phase my DC2 was very much like this but now will walk off and leave me without so much as a look back.

fontofnoknowledge · 19/08/2018 15:15

They will all live. Don't waste all this energy on stressing about 24 hrs that she will get over and never remember. Especially unfair to expect DH to miss the birth of his child . Something he will never forget and may not get over.
Time to put your relationship with DH front and centre. With three children you need to be a solid team. Allowing behaviour of one child to dictate how you deal with important life events is a bad road to follow.
But as I said. She won't remember anyway.

Poptart4 · 19/08/2018 15:30

Ive never had a c-section but im presuming it doesn't take all day. The in-laws will have to manage for afew hours. 60's is old but not that old.

On a side note your daughters separation anxiety sounds extreme. Im not sure giving into her all the time will be helpful for her in the long run. How will she learn to cope without you if your always there?

I say that as a mother of a sn child who suffers anxiety if things are not done a certain way. All the professionals have advised us that he has to learn to be more flexible as the world is not always going to bend his way. Saying that we pick our battles and i know its easier said than done. No one wants to see their child upset.

ProseccoPoppy · 19/08/2018 15:43

With a planned section it won’t be 24 hours - or even 12 - and you can’t very well use your phone in the operating theatre so surely the in laws wouldn’t text you as they would know that?

My ELCS was scheduled for 1.30pm, for that I had to arrive at 11am, took a tablet. Fitted with surgical stockings, changed into gown etc, obs taken, baby monitored. The op was delayed by an hour due to an emergency needing - understandably - to go in first, but the op was all done and I was on the post natal Ward by 5.30pm. In that scenario your DH could be there for the whole thing, and still only away from DD for 8 hours. I don’t think 8hours is a huge or unreasonable ask for the GPs.

ProseccoPoppy · 19/08/2018 15:46

Or you could go in to hospital alone, he could join you half an hour before the op is scheduled and then leave once you are in recovery. That could mean him only there for 3 or 4 hours.

Snoopychildminder · 19/08/2018 16:09

She probably senses something is happening too but is too young to fully grasp idea which is why she is upset with other adults.
Try as much as you can over the coming weeks to leave her with grandparents, start off at a couple of hours and build it up.
It will pass x

OutPinked · 19/08/2018 18:37

I would either find someone else to go to hospital with you (so one of your parents or a friend perhaps?) and DH stays with the DC. Or if that’s out of the question and DH wants to see the birth, you have two and a bit months now to resolve the separation anxiety. It may not be fully resolved in that time but you can work on it, if your in laws agree.

Just spend more time with them, take DD to see them more so she gets used to them then gradually leave her with them for an hour; then two hours and so on. If she’s still the same and your DH is adamant he will attend, I’m afraid they will have to deal with DD as she is. DH doesn’t have to stay with you the whole time, he could always return home in the evening to DD.

SleepFreeZone · 19/08/2018 18:41

OP I was in a similar position abd had no choice but to have DS2 alone. It wasn’t really so bad. Bit of a shame I couldn’t share the experience with DP but the important thing was my baby was healthy and safe.

Daisy2990 · 24/08/2018 13:25

My son was like this at this kind of age, he is 5 now and on the waiting list for ASD assessment. Not trying to scare you OP but it may be worth mentioning her extreme anxiety to the health visitor.

BTW I also agree that you should leave her with GPs and turn your phone off. It is an exceptional situation and you have no other options.

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