A sad question about colleague

[surreygirl1987]

This might be upsetting for some people so I'm sorry if that is the case.

I'm a school teacher currently on achool holidays. I found out a week ago that my colleague had a stillbirth at 40ish weeks (carried to term, delivered expecting everything to be fine, but her little boy just didn't make it). I can't imagine how my colleague is feeling.

Anyway, another colleague told me that she's planning on coming back to work in the new school year as she needs the distraction and normality of being back. I'm going to be 36 weeks pregnant then and intend to do a fortnight before starting maternity leave. I'm worried it will be really upsetting for her to be around me when I'm heavily pregnant. I really don't want to upset her more than she already will be. We're not exactly close friends (I don't have her mobile number for instance) but we'd often have lunch together and chat whenever we saw each other. We're not in the same department. Am I best off keeping out of her way and keeping a very low profile for that fortnight to try and minimise making it even harder for her, or is that a stupid idea? I just feel so so awful for what she's gone through and don't want to cause her any more distress than she's already going through. Would love some advice. Thanks.

PS I know these might be really stupid questions and I really don't mean to upset or offend anyone - I just genuinely want to do whatever would make it the least hard for her. She's been through enough pain without me acting insensitivity so I want to make sure I do the right thing.

That's so terribly sad. Your poor colleague.

You sound very thoughtful and, having a friend who experienced similar (very late miscarriage) she said that some people ignored her or left the room when she went back to school (also a teacher) because they didn't know what to say. She wanted people to talk to her. I think you should just continue as normal and when you do see her, acknowledge that she had a baby. Tell her how sad you are for her. Ask her what she named her baby. But also understand that she may not want to talk. But acknowledgement is the key I think.

Not the same, but my dh/kids' dad died unexpectedly this year in his 40s. People have mainly either been friendly but not mentioned it and waited for me to mention it or said "I'm so sorry etc." Both of those I've found absolutely fine. The only people I've rolled my eyes at a bit have been the people who've ignored me. That's been rare though

You are a kind and sensitive person, that is clear.

Just be yourself with your colleague, you won't be the only pregnant person she comes into contact with and she won't expect to be treated with kid gloves.

Who knows, your colleague may become pregnant again soon and have a lovely, healthy baby. I hope so.

This happened to a really good friend of mine. I think my friend would say to continue to be yourself, as in don't avoid her or the subject if you want to ask about it. My friend found it weird that people would try and avoid the subject at all costs, divert conversations etc.

I was pregnant with a due date the day after my colleague - we both worked in the same classroom together (assistants). I lost my baby in the second trimester and had to give birth. I had a month off work afterwards, but then went back to working in the same class as my very pregnant colleague. It was hell. Every afternoon i would collapse into my car and just sob. I would look at her bump and feel physical pain. However, this was a situation that could not have been changed. I was aware how tough it was on her too, although I couldn’t verbalise it. She was amazing. She was supportive and did not mention her bump once to me during that terrible time. She didn’t put her hands on her stomach, didn’t rub her back, and completely refused to talk about her baby to anybody else within my earshot. I still am astounded at her kindness and selflessness and it saddens me now (8 years on) that she felt she had to do that. It must have been horrible for her.
The situation with your colleague is what it is. There’s nothing either of you can do to change it, and the fact that you’re thinking ahead means that you will deal with a possible meeting as best you can. You are not the only pregnant person in the world - after losing a baby pregnant women are everywhere. She will have to cope with seeing other pregnant people, and in deciding to go back to work she will know that that could be the case.
You sound lovely, and so considerate towards your colleague. I wish more people were like you!!
(The partner of my FIL stood up and announced at a big family gathering 5 weeks after I lost my baby that her daughter was pregnant. The daughter was sat right next to me at the lunch & I think my subconscious had blocked it as she obviously had quite a reasonable sized bump. It was so thoughtless & like a huge punch in the face that the existence of my little boy had been completely ignored.)
Anyway, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy & I hope you manage okay in your last two weeks at work 😊

Could you get a written note to her before you see her so that you’ve acknowledged it before you see each other?

You sound really thoughtful.

Thanks everyone. I don't think I'm close enough to her for a handwritten note. It seems the consensus is to carry on as normal and not avoid her. Trouble is, usually I only get chance to chat with her when there's lots of other colleagues around and I don't want to upset her. I also don't want to seem like I'm 'rubbing it in' by deliberately seeking her out to speak to. I would know exactly what to do if I wasn't pregnant - it's the fact that I realise that seeing pregnant women will probably be really hard for her and I'm going to be 36-38 weeks so I'm scared that me just being around might be a bit of a slap in the face. :(

It will be incredibly hard for her.

However, sshe is making her own choice about returning to work and I think you need to trust her to take responsibility for how it feels when she gets there. There is simply no way that any of you can possibly make it better for her, so that best you can hope for is not to inadvertently make it worse.

Acknowledging what happened is a good first step.

I know you said you don't know her that well but you do have the connection with having been pregnant at the same time. Could you slip a note into her pigeonhole?

Also don't forget that this will be troubling for you as well because you are about to have your baby and although still birth at full term is rare you have just had a shocking reminder that things don't always go to plan. So take care of yourself, too.