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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

DP’s nan interfering with pregnancy

14 replies

Flamingo19 · 17/08/2018 17:22

Sorry for the essay! I should start by saying, we do get on very well but since I’ve found out I was pregnant, she has tried way too hard to be overly involved.

She tries very hard to ‘mother’ my DP and BIL. Something she doesn’t do with my SIL strangely enough. It was common knowledge she was desperately hoping for our baby to be a boy, I have no idea why but I suspect so she can try and ‘mother’ my baby and try and make him love her more than anyone else, as this is what she does but in a very secretive way.

When we found out our baby was a girl, she asked me if I was disappointed! Of course not, I told her. I was over the moon to find out we were having a girl as I have always seen myself as a mother to a girl. This made her furious, that she hadn’t got her own way but she tried not to let on how annoyed she was!

Since then, she has told my MIL (her daughter) not to get “lumbered with that baby” Told her it’s her time to relax now, and that she shouldn’t babysit as she deserves to enjoy herself Hmm
I know this was said, to plant the seed in my MIL’s head, therefore giving DP’s nan the chance to do all the baby sitting (something that won’t be happening! I’m not planning to leave my baby very often and when I do I have my own family who would love to look after her without all this tit for tat)

I have since found out from SIL, that DP’s nan has questioned why we have chosen a different hospital to the one that’s closest to her. There was no reason other than the fact I want my mum at the birth therefore I’m going to the hospital that is close to my mum, and is our local hospital. The other one is around 20 minutes further in the opposite direction. She is now trying to work out how she will be getting to the hospital for the labour?! I am livid, I want my DP and my mum there. Any one who wants to visit, will have to wait until I’m home and ready for visitors. My DP loves his nan to bits, and not wanting to upset her, thinks we should do our best to accommodate her as ‘she’s just excited’

Sorry for the rant! What would you do?

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 17/08/2018 17:26

I think you sound mildly deluded! all these ulterior motives and secret agendas you are projecting, you can't possibly know she is thinking and feeling these things, and the chances are, she just isn't, and all of this is in your head.

Clairetree1 · 17/08/2018 17:27

she can't "interfere" with your pregnancy, anyway, can she!

Original poster
Flamingo19 · 17/08/2018 17:29

Sorry, that may be the way it has come across through how I’ve worded it however having not met her yourself, or knowing the way she does things and has done other things in the past, it’s hard for you to appreciate what I mean.

OP posts:
NoProbLlama78 · 17/08/2018 17:34

she sounds a bit over bearing from what you have written . if youre worried about her turning up at the hospital you can tell the midwives.
also you don't owe anyone alone time with your baby and with her being the baby's great gran, shes unlikely to run around with a toddler.
you need to rise above/ignore/laugh off her comments.
congratulations for your baby - enjoy the rest of your pregnancy x

MrsMozart · 17/08/2018 17:36

Just smile sweetly and crack on doing your thing lass.

Your DH can be told it's nice that nan is excited, then just leave it at that.

SharpLily · 17/08/2018 17:39

Whatever hospital you choose, advise the midwives that you will only want your husband and mother there. They won't admit anyone else if you have expressed your wish not to, no matter how much she rants and raves.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/08/2018 17:42

She can’t turn up at the birth they only let a maximum of two people in to the labour ward. Check with your midwife.

But you can’t stop her turning up afterwards at the maternity ward at visiting time or when you go home.

You really need your DP on side and he doesn’t sound it.

Don’t fall into the trap of running around and getting her cups of tea like a lot of MNers do, when she visits take care of you and your baby. If you decide to breastfeed make sure you do sit down and feed baby when it’s needed maybe even disappearing to your room to do it.

She doesn’t sound nice.

Angharad07 · 17/08/2018 17:57

Why would your ‘nan in-law’ ever be at the birth of your child?? Sounds overbearing to me. Nip it in the bud now before she gets worse after the birth. Tell her firmly that the only people who will be present at the birth will be your own mother and DP- and absolutely no visitors until you’re ready, after all, it is YOUR baby and YOUR experience, not hers.

Angharad07 · 17/08/2018 18:00

*and to the commentor above- you can absolutely reject visitors at visiting times if you inform the nurses before hand that you want no visitors.

Knittedfairies · 17/08/2018 18:12

Another confused by your thread title.. I’m wondering how old your DP’s Nan is; either she’s deluded that she’ll have the energy to offer childcare, or she’s younger than my MIL’s mother would have been when my first child was born ( a tad over 100)

Original poster
Flamingo19 · 17/08/2018 18:23

Shes 73 - But a young 73 at that

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 17/08/2018 18:47

I get exactly what you're saying. My DH's Nan is similar in many ways. She's very much the matriarch of that side of the family. The stories I could tell you.

What I have learnt is simply not to give into the power struggles and to ask DH repeatedly if what she is suggesting is reasonable and showing him how he is not. I usually bring my feelings into it as well.

What I would say is that suggesting to him that you want your family there but not his nan is not going to help you. He will only see you being unfair. You need to focus on how she makes you feel and explain that you don't want ANYONE there who makes you feel this way, not specifically her vs your family being suitable iyswim.

So I would lay out how you want your labour and aftercare to be without even bringing her into the equation. Smile and say you're quite happy for her to visit along with the other visitors when they come on x days after the birth when you are ready. If you struggle when she visits because she is being awkward then just take yourself off to feed the baby.

MaverickSnoopy · 17/08/2018 18:49
  • showing him how SHE is not
Daisy2990 · 24/08/2018 14:55

My mum is a bit like this (similar age) and was overbearing when my son was born, although didn't try to invite herself to the birth (we are not close).
You need to be firm, and it is your right to be firm, but you also need your partner to back you up.
Chances are when your child is born this will only get worse so you need to start practising now! Your baby, your rules.

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