Worried daddy-to-be

[Pantana90]

Hello all,
I will be a first-time dad at the end of the year and after initially being very nervous when I first got the news, I've been very excited ever since.
But throughout my life I've been plagued with anxiety and worry a lot. I can go times of controlling it, but sometimes it really gets to me.

Basically, I have a history of anxiety and being unsure of everything. Growing up, I was constatly worried about my younger brother who has grown up with an illness, and when I was 11 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. They were both sources of great worry for me. My mum passed away 3 years ago after a 14-year battle with cancer and it crushed me and I really miss her.

I've been with my partner for two years and she's amazing. Probably the best woman I've ever known outside of my mum. She said she wanted just a casual relationship when we first met and I was very happy with this. However, it became clear she was developing feelings, but I was still in 'single mode' mindset because I wasn't long (18 months) out of a four-year relationship. But the more I got to know her and what a good person she is, I wanted to be with her.

However, as I said, I always question everything. Do I love her? Do I love her enough? What if I'm only convincing or tricking myself? A million negative thoughts. They popped up from time-to-time with my ex, and were a source of anxiety. But I could usually let them slide off and not bother me too much.
Even though I question my love intermittently, for a long time now I've been feeling so good about the relationship. We even live together and it's great. But the thing that made me feel really bad was thinking "oh what if I don't love my baby? If I doubt my love, will I doubt my love for my baby?" It's not nice because I want to be the best dad in the world.

It really bothered me and now I feel anxious all the time and as if I don't look forward to anything anymore. Example: we're going on holiday soon and I've been so exicted, but now I feel "bleh" and anxious. Can anyone relate to what I'm feeling? Thanks.

Please see your gp. There are resources out there to help. It sounds exhausting what you're going through.

Didn’t want to read and run. First, congratulations and well done for taking a step towards addressing your concerns. The fact that you worry about being a great dad already says a lot.

It seems as though you’re a natural worrier and have dealt with anxious thoughts throughout your life. I suffer with a similar anxiousness and ended up having a few telephone counselling sessions. It really helped me get to the root of why I get so tense and worry. It hasn’t cured me, but I can sense when it’s spiralling and nip it in the bud.

Don’t feel bad about worrying that you won’t love your baby enough. I got pregnant on our first attempt at trying to conceive and it scared me to death! I suddenly had all of these doubts about what we’d done and how we would cope. But I think most of us have these thoughts. You’re facing a huge life changing event and it’s natural to second guess yourself and your decision. To me, the very fact that you’re worried about it, the fact that you made the effort to reach out for support, shows that you already love just the idea of your baby and want to do your best. Which is all any of us can do.

I’d be surprised if your partner wasn’t having her own worries about becoming a mum (and getting through the pregnancy as it really is hard work!). Perhaps a light chat with her about your worry over being a good dad would help reassure you.

Please don’t let the negative thoughts fester and ruin this time for you. Reach out for support if you need it and take care of yourself.

You sound similar to how I am. I had always been an anxious child and like you have controlled it throughout the years but different stages in life it becomes difficult to cope. We had been struggling ttc no.2 over 5years between that and taking on a new promotion in work I got to a point this year I just couldn't cope with everyday life any more. So with a lot of consideration I started anti depressants and they helped massively. I also am no expecting no.2 so have stopped the antidepressants and the anxiety hasn't came back so far. I am such an overthinker and that's not a good thing.

It's difficult for men to bond with a baby in their partner's womb but rest assured when you witness the birth of your baby you will be beaming with pride and unconditional love so don't focus too much on how you feel now. Do go to all the scans and feel baby kick mums tummy etc to bond as much as you can expect too. Im sure you'll make a great dad! Good luck 🤞

It takes time to bond with a baby, it doesn't have to be this instant attachment. As baby grows so will the love, don't put too much pressure on yourself.