Mother in Law issues

[peachesarenom]

My baby is due around Christmas.

MIL has booked herself a room in the village pub for a week from the day after due date!!!

I don't know what she expects! Over the last 7 years she has never attempted to cultivate a good relationship with me. She has always made sly digs at me that she thinks I don't notice but I'm just too polite to respond.

She asked DH telling him she 'doesn't expect entertaining' but didn't bother asking me!

It'll be my first baby and I really don't think I'll be able to be nice and polite especially is she tries to tell me how to do things. She has rolled her eyes at me before when I say I'm not using a second hand mattress for example.

My mother has asked me to move into hers for the first month, she is incredibly annoying when she is over excited so I thought no, I'd rather be in my own bubble with DH but now I feel invaded.

I think I'll prolly be safer at my mums now. At least I know she wont be annoyed about feeding me like DH sometimes does and MIL is on her best behaviour around my mum.

Mum is only 15mins away from the village so MIL can still visit baby.

What should I do???

Should say I fully expected her to be around for Christmas day, just not the whole first week!

I think if you can lay out some ground rules and know she won’t just pop in etc, it could be ok, especially if she’s already stated that she doesn’t need entertaining.

Realistically, you could be early or late so it could be a non issue anyway.

I have a great relationship with my outlaws (we’re not married) but still found there were comments about my birth choices, feeding on demand, not wanting a dummy etc etc etc. I think sometimes, people are just trying to connect and don’t always appreciate how tough it is when you’re pregnant/have a newborn and are just trying to figure out your own way. One of my aunts was like this too, but forgets that it’s 40+ years since she had a baby and that advice has changed!

Perhaps a late start to trying to cultivate a relationship is better than none?

I have really tried to sort out relationship a million times over 7 years lambdroid but honestly she is a nightmare. None of the i laws have ever been kind to me bar my late step father in law, but he's gone now. Some of the things she's said to me over the years have really left their mark.

What does your DH say peaches?

Have you told him you'd like to be in your own little bubble?

Just because she's close, doesn't mean you have to accept her into your house. IF you feel up to seeing her, go visit her at the pub. That way you can dictate how long you are there and go home when you are tired (I find that easier than trying to kick someone out!)

With unsolicited advice, I just smile and nod and say something like "Thanks, I'll take that on board" then ignore them and do what I was doing ;)

Definitely stay with your mum, otherwise you might get ganged up on by your DH and MIL. You need someone on your side

I feel your pain, my IL’s live abroad and in my last pregnancy they booked into a hotel 5 mins away for A MONTH over my due date (2 weeks before and 2 weeks after). Needless to say when they suggested doing the same this time around (also due over christmas) but this time staying with us as we have a bigger house now I put my foot down.
I wouldn’t feel like you have to go to your mums if you don’t want to (I just wanted to be at home), but definitely lay some ground rules.
She might miss the baby being born anyway, my first was a week late (and they don’t offer induction until 12 days overdue in my area).

Eek. In that case, set out your ground rules both with her and your partner, fortify the bubble and thicken up your skin!

So... If you're a week overdue she'll miss it entirely.

My inlaws are apparently coming to stay with us for 3 weeks after I have ours mil is great but fil hates me and the feeling is fairly mutual.

Yes I did tell him Stephisaur he just says 'it'll all be ok' and we can tell her to just come for christmas day. I'm gonna find it so hard to kick her out but I'd also feel guilty about keeping her away from the house!

I agree mimibunz although when I spoke to my mum she said 'well it is her grandchild!'

I've defo got to get a thicker skin, this time I won't keep quiet, I will make it very clear if I've been upset.

Thank you all for your responses I really need to find my voice with MIL. My mum is used to me snapping on occassion at least!

I feel very emotional today as MIL visited yesterday. She asked if DH had informed me of her christmas stay, the cheek! Why didn't she ask me if it was ok to visit for a whole bloody week!

I tried finding my voice but it didn't really work. I said I might go to my mum's and she said 'oh no, you wont want that' and then 'DH chimed in with yeah I don't think that's a good idea' so I defo feel like they will gang up on me mimibunz I tried saying that I know everyone is excited about the baby but I will just have had been through birth and will need some serious looking after, this is a high risk pregnancy for many reasons and I trust my mother to do that. She just sneered at me 'oh, you'll be the Earth mother type'.

Then she kept going on about the importance of a routine, I was like I'm gonna go with the flow thanks, in the first bloody week!

Then she started telling me they'll be no way the baby stays in my and DH's bedroom for the first 6 months as DH wont be able to sleep and I was like 'I'd kick DH out first!'

I was super worried when she started going on about taking the baby out on walks 'to give you a rest.' It'll be less than a week old in the bleak midwinter and you can't take my baby!!!

What really irritates me is how she keeps referring to the baby as 'my grandson' as if he has nothing to do with me at all.

DH just says isn't it great how excited she is! When I said I feel like I have to stay at my mum's now he's just like 'you can't let anyone push you out of your own home.'

And she said oh DH can ferry me about if we have to visit you in hospital or go to your mum's. I was like ' I think he'll be a bit busy' she's coming with her own car!!!

She sounds a bit of a nightmare, but her visit still assumes you'll have had the baby. Unless you're having a c-section or being induced dates are by no means guaranteed, and stress can actually delay labour. Remember you could be in hospital a couple of days afterwards and if you say she's not to visit they should stop her coming in.

I'm some ways it's nice she's keen and her taking the baby for the odd walk in the pram is not the worst thing she could do (as long as he's wrapped up a walk in winter won't do any harm), but the rest is overkill and it's your dh you need to have serious words with because he is more likely to be able to put her in her place and tell her you will want some time for you and baby.

Lots of babies are late. Neither of mine would have been born a week after their due date so if you’re anything like me she will be wasting her time. Lol!

Congratulations on your pregnancy💐. Sounds like this situation is stressing you out when you should be enjoying this nice stage of your pregnancy. Firstly, you have no idea how your birth is going to go and how you'll feel. Assume the worst that you'll feel exhausted from the birth and also from trying to establish feeding. Is your MIL the type to cook dinner and make you cups of tea? Or will she expect to be waited on like a guest? Secondly, your DH needs to step up - you'll just have to tell him exactly what you want after the birth and he'll need to speak to MIL. If you don't want her (or your mum) there you just need to tell them. It depends on whether they're there to support you or to be the first to see your child - remember he's yours and DH's and you call the shots!

I wonder if this is a generational thing as my mum had her mum stay with her and my dad for two weeks after I was born to help out. My mum also wanted to stay and help me. While I was pregnant I was secretly horrified but didn't say anything. After the birth she turned up and expected to stay. She meant well but I'd been in labour for two days resulting in EMCS and had had no sleep. I basically just said no you'll need to get a hotel, which she did. I feel bad now, but at the time I just needed space to sleep and establish breast feeding. At least she's booked the hotel from the outset and you can tell her to leave if you're tired!

We didn’t tell MIL when DD was born. She knew the month but because it was someone else’s birthday that month in her family, she got it into her head it was the same day 🙄. We didn’t correct her, DD was born two weeks before this. We told her after a few days.

Your rookie error was telling her when you were due. Give her no more information and you are allowed to tell her she is not allowed in our house.

Or your house even 😃

I know my mum will 100% care about getting me back to full health and respect any unreasonable demands I make about where the baby can and can't be. She will also protect me from MIL's nonsense while being very polite to MIL and supervising contact.

I just think if she wanted to be so intimately involved when baby arrived then she should have been a hell of a lot kinder to me over the last seven years.

You're so right cleaningtwenty I was clearly over excited. Wont make that mistake again!

I knew because we were the last ones to have a child amongst everyone we knew and I’d seen MIL take over every time. Even now she says things like “I wish I’d fed dn more vegetables when I weaned her” when she sees our DD eating well... it’s not her baby! It’s her daughter’s!

Good luck with everything, lay ground rules!