Don't know whether or not to have abortion

[starrgazer]

Hi everyone. I'm currently 6 weeks along and just starting to get symptoms (nausea, insomnia, cramps!). I'm about to start back into my final year of university where I am studying medicine and would have my very last exam 3 weeks after my due date. Worst case, I could sit this later but I'd love to just get it done.

I'm just so unsure if it's the right time or feasible to have a baby. I have a very supportive partner who is willing to take leave from work so we could try do it but I've just no idea whether or not we could be parents and do it well. On the other hand, we were planning on starting a family in a year or two which makes me wonder if we are as well off to start now seeing as I have fallen pregnant.

I'm also based in Ireland so would have to travel and pay a lot which adds another layer of complexity. To be honest, the idea of an abortion seems really difficult and I don't know how I would cope afterwards but maybe this is my hormones at play too?

I think my current options, if I manage to sit an exam following the birth, would be either work after 3 months or wait until the year after. Does anyone have experience of beginning work 3 months following a birth?

I just don't know how we're supposed to decide but I'm conscious of the weeks passing quickly. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I've been to my GP and a crisis pregnancy counsellor but they could only tell me the facts which I had already.

Hugs to you. Hopefully you'll find your answer soon 😊

Not being funny but how, as a medic, did you become pregnant? The reasons why will help guide your choices.

I think only you can make this decision for yourself, but I know if I was planning to try for a baby in another year or two, I would find the decision to terminate difficult knowing it was what we wanted but just a tiny bit too early. I think only you know though how much you will struggle with that decision in the future.

As for returning to work, if you choose to have the baby and if you have the option, I would take the full year off and return to sit your exams after that. I had my first baby in the middle of 7 years of a PhD (very much planned that way). I took a full year off and then returned to my research after that. It was completely doable with a supportive partner (who had flexible working hours once I went back to work) and if you have the financial resources to afford childcare once you do return to work (or can afford for your partner to stay at home). I actually finished ahead of many in my cohort because I was way more motivated and had fewer options for procrastinating as I had a family at home to support. If you have an easy baby (my first one not one of those), it may be possible to return to work sooner. My 2nd is 6 months and I've been working a bit each week since he was 8 weeks (while he naps, from home, or in the evenings). It means little time for anything else like relaxing, socialising, self care, etc. but I don't think most parents of young babies have time for that anyway. So both are totally viable option if you know you want to have the baby, but it has to be something you are sure you're totally ready for and that the alternative wouldn't be better for you right now in the broader plan of your life.

Fucking hell @peodar now is that any of your business? OP came here to look for support and advice, not to be judged by someone who has no idea over her circumstances. Being a medic doesn't mean you cannot have an unplanned pregnancy (which can happen for a huge variety of reasons).

OP you certainly could go back to work that soon after birth, it would be challenging but doable. Could you delay the exam by 2 years? So that you won't have to rush back in to it? If so I'd do that. It sounds like a long time now but in 15/20 years it'll be nothing. It sounds like you have a good supportive set up to have the baby but it is of course your choice.

A friend of mine is living in a country where everyone has to go back to work after 3 months unless not returning at all. She said it is hard emotionally but not as bad physically as she thought.

As you are going to try in a year or so anyway, I’d not abort (but a lot of that is me projecting as I got pregnant very easily the first time and less easily the second).

Talk with your partner about the exact logistics of him taking leave-that may help your decision too.

It's great you have a really supportive partner that's a good start. I'm assuming your still young which means I'm sure you would bounce back well after the birth. 3 months after wouldn't be difficult. I'm sure the shock of the pregnancy is making you more anxious but when you make a decision you'll feel better about it. Plus as you are planning to start soon it's just brought things forward. Life throws curveballs at us all but the end result will be a really special one! It took me 5 years ttc no.2 I'm glad I didn't wait long after DS to start.

One of my friends was doing her PGCE over in England had DS before she finished her work experience and had to leave him with DP for 6 weeks but got through it and have no.2 now! Another friend took a year out then went into final year at uni. Like the cliche things will work out! Good luck and congratulations 🤞💐

Hi OP. Because you were planning on having a baby in the near(ish) future, I wouldn’t abort. If you can defer your exams by a year or two then this will only seem like a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things and aborting a baby could potentially be a much bigger regret that sitting your exams later than you wanted. The choice is yours though and I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide!

As for a previous comment asking how you got pregnant if you’re a medic... I have never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life!

It's none of my business @GimbleInTheWabe but how the pregnancy arose makes a big difference. If it was truly unplanned e.g failure of correctly used contraception like a coil then personally I'd suggest dealing with it very differently to someone not using MAP with a split condom or not using contraception at all. The fact she's a medic is significant as she will know the various risks associated. My post is wasn't judgey at all, but encouraged reflection.

Hey. I don't know if this helps but I had my first baby about a week after graduating from medical school! Luckily I got all the exams done before having him, but only just. It would be good if you could somehow get those exams done, even if you don't go back after three months. Do u think you could study before baby arrives then just try the exam straight after (obviously crap, but maybe just about doable?). I went back after my first job (in UK so four months off) and it was tough but doable.

It will be really hard but you could maybe make it work. If anything goes wrong though (you are Ill, baby is Ill) it will all go a bit wrong.

Only you can make the decision, but sounds like you are on a stable relationship and want a baby in the not too distant future. If I were you I would go ahead and try and make it work. If it comes to the worst you will have to defer, which isn't the end of the world! ... Good luck

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Peodar, I deleted my original account after your message but just wanted to say that I don't think my intended profession should change things for me or hold me to a higher standard than anyone else. The only information worth knowing is that it was unplanned.

I was more looking for advice regarding continuing education post birth as well as maternity leave and I really appreciate the supportive and helpful posts. My working plan, if we go through with it, would be to hopefully study extremely hard in advance and ideally sit my final exam in those few weeks after giving birth if the university can absolutely not make any provisions for me to sit it earlier.

I am aware that this all hinges on a healthy pregnancy and baby which no-one can assume but hope for. I'm going to talk to my parents this weekend and take their opinions into account as I would be relying on them for help!

So much to think about - thanks again folks.

peodar you asked how OP, as a medic, became pregnant. Now I’m not a medic, but I’m pretty sure that medics get pregnant the same way as everyone else.

stargazer I’m sorry that idiots insist on making such ousts when somebody in a difficult situation is looking for advice. It sounds like you have a supportive family and partner which is worth a lot. Personally in my view, if you were thinking of starting a family soon anyway, I would be reluctant to terminate. You could try and sit the exams after the birth or the year later if it doesn’t work out. I think if you put your mind to it and have help then it should be doable. I’m sure you’d study much more effectively with a baby, as your time will be in precious supply.

I had my children in my late 30s when my career was established and I haven’t had to worry about taking time off. But I also have a colleague who (accidentally) got pregnant when she was still in vocational training. She’s done amazingly well for herself - I think there are advantages to having kids early, rather than mid career.

Good luck whatever you decide.

The only advice I can give would be regarding returning to work.

I returned to work when DS was 16weeks old. The poor boy reason behind this was to protect my sanity, I just couldn't sit in a house all day it was driving me insane. So I went back to work. Yes DS grew up in the care of family and childcare but he's a confident bright young 4 year old, with great social skills and we do have a lovely mother and son bond. So nothing emotionally was affected regarding attachment.

He wasn't an easy baby by any means, he would feed 2 hourly and never slept more than 3 hours straight till he was about 9months old, we had bouts of chest infections, colic and reflux to contend with all whilst I tried to work a 40hour week. But I just pushed through and we all survived. So it is plausible for you to do the same. Trust me.