Don’t think I want this anymore

[NameChange2306]

I’ve deliberately name changed for this as I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
I’m 30 weeks pregnant and now the birth is looming ever closer, I just don’t think I can do this. I have a long history of anxiety, panic disorder and other MH issues. I’m under the care of the perinatal mental health team but so far they’ve been pretty useless.
All I ever hear about is how painful, traumatic and horrendous childbirth is. Now I know I’ve got to get him out and I’ve got no option, I feel trapped. I want to run away but wherever I go, he’ll be with me. It’s a pure nightmare.
I’m absolutely terrified of hospitals and medical settings, even going fo scans makes me so anxious and panicky.

I can’t think of anything worse than being in the most vulnerable position and having little to no control of what’s happening to you. I have genuine nightmares about forceps and have never even had an internal examination as the thought of any object being inserted into me seems barbaric. Seeing and hearing about forceps is horrific. Especially when some women don’t even have pain relief during their use.

It seems that a mother’s wellbeing is put to the bottom of the list and the baby coming out is number one priority. Don’t get me wrong, I’d want him born safely, but I don’t want to be essentially tortured mentally and physically in the process.

I’m also in a real state about him being born and me looking after him. I get the fear when holding a newborn anyway, I know everyone says it’s different when it’s your own but the thought of them handing him to me is actually one of anxiety instead of being a joyous moment I am looking forward to.
Clearly there is something wrong with me.

I’m also convinced I’m going to die during childbirth and that’s a feeling I just can’t shake currently.

Please be gentle with me.

Have you thought about asking for a Caesarian to reduce your anxiety of the birth itself?

No need to be embarrassed about how you’re feeling. You really need better help by the sounds of it. Could you ask your GP for a different referral than the team you have? Maybe a charity like Mind could also provide practical support?

I wish you well in getting more support. Remember we all have anxieties we’re ashamed of. Well done you for speaking out about yours xx

I gave birth to my daughter 6 months ago and I can totally relate to you!

I suffer with depression and anxiety and like you, panic at every situation (even seeing my growing baby at the scans). I had never been in a hospital, only ever visiting family or friends etc, I had never had an operation and I had never ever needed to show any doctor/nurse my lady garden/vajayjay/etc..

I can only give you my personal experience.. honestly, it didn't hurt! I was induced and can honestly say the pain was basically a period pain and I got my partner to dig his knuckles into my lower back (would definitely use a TENS machine next time- research these, they can be hired for small amounts).. I didn't feel the baby "come out", just had a quick burning sensation (like putting tea tree on your bits) for a few seconds and that was it.

As for pain relief I had paracetamol and an injection in my leg which I can't remember if it did anything. I did state in my birth plan and verbally that I didn't want anything that was going to give me energy and make me "high" as I getting panicky and can feel my heart beating faster. The nurses/midwives were great and can honestly say I'd do it 100 more times (maybe)

I too had a horrible feeling about forceps and read stupid articles about them harming the baby but these are RARE! You may think you won't have control of your body but you do, you can walk around, eat, drink, talk and you are never forced into doing something you don't want to do unless in case of emergency but that is when it's for the best interest for the baby. You are worrying about minor things, these can't be changed even if you wanted them to! Don't waste your time fretting, enjoy the last weeks of your pregnancy! Once you give birth you're going to be a mummy and this baby will love you unconditionally.

Also, once you give birth you'll "just know" how to hold him xx

I think you should speak to your midwife and doctor and discuss your fears with them as they will know more about the best way to manage your anxiety and support you through the first few weeks with your new baby as you build confidence.

Being anxious about childbirth is very very natural but if you already have a pre-existing anxiety condition I can only imagine how much worse thinking about it must be. All I can say is every labour is different and everyone's tolerance to pain is also different. None of your fears about childbirth are invalid or wrong except that mummy is definately not second to baby and a good midwife team will do whatever they can to make you feel safe and in control. Do you have a good birth partner going with you when baby does arrIve who can help keep you calm through the contractions?

I wish I could say something to alleviate your fears hun, but childbirth does hurt and taking care of a newborn is scary. At the same time the experience is primal, nature takes over, our bodies take over and instinct kicks in. Every new mother shits herself holding her tiny human and loses countless hours of sleep when she needs it most just to reassure herself baby is still breathing. We promise them the moon and the stars if they will just stop crying for 5 minutes so we can have a cup of tea and a sleep. You aren't alone and you shouldn't feel ashamed.

I would definately reach out for help hun, your midwife should be able to work with you to find the best delivery options, also if you have family maybe they could stay with you for a few days to help build your confidence with your baby when he arrives xx

Hi!

Sending you a massive hug!

I suffer with multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety and health anxiety.

I was absolutely convinced that I was going to die during childbirth and was terrified.

I didn't like the idea of not being in control so I did Hypnobirthing.
It's basically relaxation techniques to help you keep control of the situations it's literally amazing and my birth experience was really positive.

I specifically had it in my birth plan that I didn't consent to forceps. I stated that if it came to that situation, I'd want to be taken straight for a c-section.

Part of hypnobirthing is that you are clear about what you want and it gives you the confidence to ask questions and make informed decisions. The control is entirely in your hands.

If it wasn't for that, I don't know what my birth experience would've been like but it ended up being really really good! Starting to plan baby no 2 xxx

Good luck! I hope everything goes really well for you xxxxx

I could have written this post when I was pregnant , word for word . My DS is almost 5 and a half months now. I promise you it is not as bad as people make out, calm and "boring" births don't make good stories or good tv hence why we never hear about them.

I strongly advise you look into hypnobirthing, I did at 37 weeks because I was utterly petrified about it all and I mean proper sick feeling in my stomach and total wash over of panic. It's not all airy fairy. I was also prescribed some diazepam to take when labour started.

The thought of birth is TERRIFYING, truly, but hand on heart it's not bad at all. Also that "'magical , joyous , full of love moment" when they hand baby to you is bullshit , don't stress about that

Have you got a birthing partner?

My DH can be very bolshy when necessary, and he was under strict instructions that if labour was turning into a forceps attempt, I was to be knocked out and taken in for a C section instead. And under no circumstances would I consent to an epidural - the thought of it makes me panicky even now, 13 years later. Having him there to fight my corner was really important to me (even though in the end it was a very straightfoward delivery)

The hospital thing freaked me out a lot, especially after spending a night in observation for some bleeding. I hated it and was very uncomfortable there. I wasn’t scared of the birth as such, but was very worried about being under pressure in a hospital and my own needs not being considered.

I had a low risk pregnancy so opted for a home birth. Is that something you could look into?

My labour was quite long but I never felt out of control or under pressure and I didn’t find the pain hard to deal with or scary. I only had 2 internal examinations during my labour- one at 2cm as had a sweep booked anyway, and one at 6cm when the midwife arrived at my house.

I did a lot of research before opting for a home birth, and live very close to the hospital which was obviously a big factor. It’s worth looking into, even if only to convince yourself that you’d be more comfortable in hospital or at a birth centre.

It's definitely good to document your wishes clearly in your birth plan wrt forceps, but unfortunately it's not as simple as saying "I'll have a C-section instead". Circumstances arise where the baby gets in distress when it has descended too far for a C-section and manual extraction of some kind is the only option.

Some good tips on this thread though. Good luck OP, I bet it will be much better than you think.

I have anxiety disorder and know exactly how youre feeling. It gets worse because when you feel like this you feel guilty for feeling that way too!

It helps me to remember that thousands of women give birth everyday. Of those thousands, the majority of births are absolutely fine, even in the third world countries where the healthcare isnt great.

Try to remember its the anxiety talking and you will be ok! You get an extra special gift after it all and im sure of all those horrific stories youve been told, most of the women probably go on to give birth again! X

@NameChange2306 anxiety at this stage is completely normal and given your history it's only natural that you feel it even more so. I was scared before I had DS too. As others have said - Have you looked at hypnobirthing techniques? It's essentially meditation to manage the pain during labour but also very useful for anxiety beforehand. My Mum has Bipolar and anxiety issues and uses meditation techniques in all stressful situations, she finds it extremely helpful.

I had a ventouse delivery and they gave me a local anaesthetic down below before they carried out the episiotomy and the assistance. It was actually fine. Forceps are an unusual intervention and are only used when doctors feel it is genuinely necessary but definitely make sure you ask for all other options to be tried first.

You're doing the right thing in reaching out, keep being open about your feelings, they're nothing to be ashamed of and happen to so many women that never talk about it openly. You can get through this.

I would definitely speak to your care team again, make it clear that whatever support and work is going into helping with your mental health during this pregnancy is not effective and needs revisiting.

I do not know or have not experienced MH issues such as anxiety so I’m defineily not equipt to give advice on that but one thing you could try is hypnobirthing. At 30 weeks you still have time to get on a course and I would really really encourage you to do so, hypnobirthing is all about changing your subconscious mindset of fear and anxiety and realising birth doesn’t have to be this traumatic, heavily medicalised event filled with fear.

It sounds a bit arty farty to some people but my mindset has changed massively since reading up and practicing my breathing etc. Just small changes to my beliefs and understanding child birth from a natural - not medicalised - perspective has made a world of diffence to how I feel about the birth.

I really recommend this, even if you can get on a half day / one Day course it will help.
I’ve also been listening to The Hypnobirthing Book by Katharine Graves, only took a few days to listen to the whole thing and I’ve found it so positive and motivating.

OP your fears are completely normal and as PPs have indicated normal labours don't make news.

Midwives tend to act like everyone will have a straight forward birth and if you are high risk but look healthy it is for straight forward reasons, so I've found it better to talk to one of the GPs in my practice or my obstetrician about any concerns I've have. The advantage of the GP is they have access to your full medical history and in my case understand why I'm considered high risk apart from my age, so will openly look up any risks. The obstetrician, being a specialist, has seen more high risk patients so can explain the risks of anything.

OP if it's your first pregnancy in many areas GPs are suppose to do antenatal checks so if you find the perinatal mental health team useless or midwives not clear about any risks/concerns/niggles then make an appointment to see one of the GPs in your practice and talk to them. Ideally choose one you have spoken to before about your MH and get on with.

Also the NCT classes I'm in the process of are concentrating more on people's general fears which include taking care of a newborn than labour itself, as the latter you can look up. They also stress how important it is for your birthing partner to be your advocate during labour and afterwards at home with people as this helps to protects your MH. Unlike a few years ago HCPs are very aware of how pregnancy, birth and afterwards can cause MH problems to both the mother and her partner.

Oh and I don't go to any hospital appointments or scans on my own as I've had previously poor heath care from the NHS. In addition accompanying me means my OH own anxiety levels about the birth are decreased as his other child's birth was very traumatic.