I am 6 months pregnant with a little girl.
My mother, throughout my childhood, never told me she loved me, never hugged me or comforted me, never said nice kind things to me. In my teens I was severely off the rails with zero self esteem, suicidal etc.
I have been working (with counselling, spiritual work, self-help etc) for the last 10 years to build up a real life, to build up my self esteem, and it has been a BATTLE to say the least.
Since being pregnant, I have become so angry with my mother. I feel this overwhelming love for my little special girl, and not ONCE did I feel anything like that from my mother. I hate what she did to my life. She destroyed me.
I was so used to people pleasing I married an abusive man who didn't love me. I've struggled all my life with keeping friends. I finally have a lovely DP who is my total hero but he very much 'takes care' of me.
Some days I just have these days where my heart feels like it's constantly broken, I can feel it physically. It seems no matter what I do I always have these days. It seems no matter how many years I try to heal myself, the severe lack of love and comfort I had just haunts me and still makes me suffer.
I know every technique there is in the book. I've read 1000 books, done 1000 exercises, turned to God and spirituality, and no matter what I do there seems to be a hole in my heart marked 'mummy'.
Right now I am playing my mum's 'everything is fine' game. I have tried to talk to her in depth in the past but it all gets pushed back on me like there is something wrong with me. Maybe, though, the only way to break this is to tell her and stand up for myself come what may. Let her get angry, let her twist it, let her do whatever, she is powerless over me now.
Maybe that is the key... I just don't know.