Unsupportive boyfriend after miscarriage

[Bailey1986]

My partner and I had been trying for a baby for 12 months Nov 2017 I discovered I was pregnant i could not wait to tell my partner. When I told him he was not happy and this was a complete shock to me. I was stunned give s that we had been trying. A few weeks later he asked me to have an abortion said it wasn't the right time. I was stupid and went along with it I didn't want to lose it. He wasn't there during the procedure and wasn't there for after care. It turned out what he had been doing is planning his escape. So 2 days after my abortion he left he packed all his things and left and said he had to put his other 2 children first. He had been gone for 4 weeks and turned up out the blue begging me to take him back. I did and for 6 months he was a changed man I fell pregnant again and he made it an amazing experience. I lost the baby at 12 weeks and the day I did was the day he turned again. He has been cold, withdrawn, he does not care about our loss and tells me to go to a therapist. I have fears he will leave again and that there will be a repeat I feel last year. I feel so lost.

Don't give him the chance to leave you. What an asshole. This person is not being a partner. Why would you want to be a parent with him??

Because he had changed well at least I thought he had. He's blaming his work for being snappy and frustrated I'm not sure whether it's me and my hormones or whether it's him or both

This man has let you know what he is really like. Don't ignore him.

He's allowed to grieve and some people push them their people away when they're grieving. But making you feel like he doesn't care is crap. You deserve a better partner.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please don’t allow yourself to be treated that way regardless of his excuses. Take take of yourself x

The thing that stood out in your post for me was that “he wasn’t there during the procedure and he wasn’t there for the aftercare”. It seems like he’s not there when you need him. He left you 2 days after getting you to do what he wanted.

Now you’ve experienced this awful loss and he’s not there for you again. I understand that men can cope with it by closing off but that’s not much use to you when it’s your body going through it.

The whole point of having a partnership is to support each other, rely on each other and listen to each other. From what you’ve written it doesn’t seem like he’s supporting you, you can rely on him or that he’s listening to you. How do you see life with him down the road when times get tough again?

Give yourself some time, let you be your number one priority and see how you feel. Personally, I wouldn’t stay with him but at the very least take a long, hard look at the relationship before moving forward. Take care of yourself 💐

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss, if you feel you need to chat to someone feel free to message me. I lost a baby last summer.
Secondly you deserve to be with someone who will support you and be there for you through this tough time. I know some people cope in different ways, but it's not acceptable and not fair on you.
Do you have family or friends that can support and help you?
Thinking of you at this tough timetake care xx

Hi Flaming84 thanks for your post. In all honesty I can barely be sure of what tomorrow holds let alone the future. I keep holding on to who he was when he came back but wonder whether he will ever be that person again. He keeps blaming his work and although I understand it's stressful for him I don't understand why he cannot give a little to me when he gets home. Whenever I get tearful or need reassuring he has a very short fuse and will walk out the room. inside this really doesn't feel right and I recognise the feeling of anxiety and tredding on egg shells around him. I just can't focus on myself because I'm too worried about the relationship. Xx

I'm sorry for your loss.

He's shown you who he is. A "man" who doesn't support you when you are at your most vulnerable is not a good choice of partner for so many reasons. You'd never be able to trust him and you are already manipulated into minimising your suffering.

Also what happened with his other 2 kids? If this is who he is he'll have let down their mother also.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, especially with everything else you’re having to deal with.

I really think you need to make yourself your priority. He’s happy to live in his own bubble at the moment and that’s up to him. But you can’t make someone talk who doesn’t want to. You can’t make him support you if he’s walking away each time. I think you’d be wasting what little energy you have on expecting him to change in the short term.

Maybe go and stay with a friend/relative for a few days to get a bit of perspective. It could light a fire under him and make him realise that you’re not going to sit back and let him dictate what happens this time. Some space might also let you see that you deserve more than trying to deal with his tantrums when his focus should be on you and your wellbeing.

That in itself is a long story the mother has stopped him seeing his two kids. But beforehand I was made to spend every weekend with them and my partner and it was too much I never had time for myself or my friends and sometimes when I would voice this to my partner he would either get frustrated at me or he would in front of the kids tell me to just go home.

I know you aren't telling us the good bits, but do they really outweigh his shitiness? He sounds like a massive twat and you deserve better (as do your future children should you choose to have any in the future).

The more time you wast on him, the less time you have for being kind to yourself.

I know that deep down but I cannot believe how hard it is to leave! I am frustrated at myself for sticking with it. I don't know why I can't be strong and just get out. I feel so stupid!

You and your DP aren’t meant to be, it’s safe to say that and I know it’s hard but you really need to learn to accept that.

He already has children who you clearly had some issue spending time with. The fact he had them every weekend wasn’t ‘too much’ at all, that is entirely normal for a NRP. Really, the relationship should have ended back then.

I’m so sorry for your loss , be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal. His lack of sympathy and backing you into a corner to abort a baby you tried for really says all you need to know about him.

What’s happened between him and the mother of his children for him to go from having them every weekend to not seeing them at all? That rings alarm bells for me. What was the timing of that in relation to him suddenly changing his mind about wanting a child with you?

Agree with what others have said that he is not a good person to be with. He’s putting his own feelings ahead of yours and not being there for you when you need him most.

It’s incredibly hard to walk away from a relationship that you have invested a lot of time and effort into - I know from my own experience. It’s painful to accept that the person you fell in love with is not who you thought. But I am now in a healthy happy relationship with a lovely caring man and expecting a child with him and the thought of what my life might have been like had I had a child with my ex still sends shivers down my spine.