Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Am I doing the right thing?

12 replies

JaneDoe711 · 04/08/2018 18:10

Okay. So, like 2 months ago I found out I was pregnant by a long-time "friend with benefits" ( like 10 years plus). Of course he freaked out, told me he doesn't want the baby and to get an abortion. I expressed to him that not only don't I feel comfortable with the process but I'm strongly against abortions, my whole family is. It's something I've stood strongly against since I was a kid. I told him that I didn't need him, wouldn't ask him for anything and that he could sign all rights away and have nothing to do with me or the baby. But that wasn't good enough for him, he insisted that I get an abortion, he even begged. So, I told him I did but I didn't, my boyfriend and I got back together but not before I told him the complete truth. He said, "he'll be there and help me raise the baby", "just like we raise our first baby". So, should I let the, "friend with benefits" continue to think I got an abortion and raise my baby in peace? Or tell him the truth that me and my boyfriend are going to raise the baby? I'm really scared and don't know what to do. So, all opinions are welcome. Let me know what you guys/girls think.

OP posts:

blueskypink · 04/08/2018 18:17

You should tell your 'friend' the truth. How can you consider not making him aware that he will have a child? Whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not is up to him.

surreygirl1987 · 04/08/2018 18:20

Oh god. You need to tell him. He has a right to know he has a child. He has no right to make you have an abortion but you have no right to lie to him about it!

Hjkillas · 04/08/2018 18:22

I would tell the fwb that you've decided to keep the baby and couldn't go through with the abortion. It's your body at the end of the day and you're happy for him to stay out of the equation.
I'm assuming your boyfriend knows the baby is the fwb's? If he's happy to support you raising the child then I don't see the issue.
In theory the worst thing to happen is the baby's father wants involvement, but then that's his choice as the dad.
Don't worry about it but I would be upfront with everyone, it's for the best in the long run. Including the child xx

Poptart4 · 04/08/2018 19:05

My friend went through a similar thing when she fell pregnant with her son 16yrs ago. She decided to tell the father nothing about the baby and her boyfriend agreed to take on the baby as his own. They went on to have 2 more children.

Everything was great until her and dp broke up 6 months ago. It was a really bitter split and her ex decided he didn't want to be ds's dad anymore and told him the truth. It was a really nasty spiteful thing to do and now the poor 16yr old is dealing with the fact that hes been lied to his whole life. Its really messed him up.

The point being the truth always comes out sooner or later. Its better for everyone, especially the innocent child, to know the truth from the start. My friend never thought her ex would be so cruel towards the child he raised since birth but he was. Dont risk putting your child in the same position.

blueskypink · 04/08/2018 23:33

So what you're proposing to do op is:

a) not tell someone that they have a child
b) lie to your child about their parentage

Just so you can raise your baby "in peace"?

That's a hell of a lot of deceit. What if your child finds out your bf isn't his/her natural father? How do you think he/she will feel about you lying to them? People have a right to know where they came from - and that trumps your desire for a quiet life.

Original poster

JaneDoe711 · 05/08/2018 02:10

@blueskypink.. I wish I could show you the messages that transpired between the two of us then maybe you would have a better and complete understanding of where I'm coming from. No, it's not about "My peace" It's about peace for everyone involved, him included. This is a man I've known,dealt with and had sexual dealings with since I was 17. That basically told me, "if I were to give birth to my child it would ruin his life". "He'll lose out on future relationships, business, and the life he wants to live for himself".

After I assured him then reassured him that I'm not like that and that I'll take care of my child by myself he further insisted and then proceeded to beg that I have an abortion, "if not for US then to do it for him" because he'll "always be my friend". I didn't come to this decision lightly or with malicious intent. I felt it was best for both of us, he doesn't want a child and I'm not trying to force him to have one but I was someone who was never supposed to have children, so I'd be damned if I give my baby up for any man.

When the time comes being the honest person I am my child will know the truth about where they came from and why I made the choices I did but don't bash me for wanting not to go through the typical drama of "baby mama/baby daddy bullshit" and to make a choice and protect my child.

OP posts:

blueskypink · 05/08/2018 09:22

I'm not bashing you op. You asked for opinions and I gave you mine. Or were you just looking for affirmation of the decision you have already made?

It really doesn't matter one jot what he said. The fact is surely anyone has a right to know if he has brought a child into the world. Whatever problems him knowing brings (and I can't really see what these would be given that it sounds like he won't have anything to do with the child) they don't remove that right.

surreygirl1987 · 05/08/2018 10:40

Yeh I'm with @blueskypink on this.

Original poster

JaneDoe711 · 05/08/2018 10:54

@blueskypink.... No, I don't want anyone to agree with me at all. I'm open to every opinion, as stated but you commented twice further driving the same point. Maybe he does deserve to know but maybe he doesn't. I just wanted to see how other ppl felt and I'm glad that I got so many honesty opinions. Thank you

OP posts:

blueskypink · 05/08/2018 11:30

Maybe he does deserve to know but maybe he doesn't

How can you possibly think that someone may not "deserve" to know they have fathered a child?

physicskate · 05/08/2018 15:44

Op - look at it from his perspective for just a moment (I am not saying he has behaved well, btw). He was never in a relationship and was (naively it now seems) not expecting a pregnancy to result. Now he's being told you're going to have the baby and he doesn't have a say (rightly). So he's freaking out and being a massive twat. But is he always a massive twat or is this just such a big deal and big shock?

Are you doing the right thing? Well, in my opinion, the right thing would be to give him time and the option of involvement or not. Rightly or wrongly, this wasn't what he thought he signed up for. He deserves some time and your child always deserves the truth.

Given some time, it might transpire that it wouldn't be in the child's best interest for him to be involved but it definitely is NOT in your child's best interest to be lied to about this. Your best interests can be different from the child's but their best interests have to come first. That's what parenting is...

You need to put the child ahead of yourself, which I'm not quite sure you're doing atm. It's early days. Give it time.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/08/2018 17:10

I think it would feel quite threatening to me if someone was trying to push me into an abortion. Perhaps once the legal limit has passed, you will feel more secure and able to tell him.

The only circumstance where I wouldn't tell at all is if he was violent or likely to be a threat to the child in any other way, but you haven't said that this is the case so I'm assuming it isn't.

Flip