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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

AIBU?

16 replies

ShanAmanda · 02/08/2018 20:27

Hi,
AIBU?
Me and my fiancé have fallen pregnant! Yay! We mc in June so things are a little tense... but, he wants absolutely nothing to do with this pregnancy; he isn't interested in appointments, any baby talk, even looking at things. He doesn't want to know... yet got super mad when I said I was going window shopping for baby stuff with my mum?
He is currently away on a lads holiday so I've got a break from him, but he is pushing me away and has been for a while. AIBU to want his support and for him to be interested? 😔
Thank you xx

OP posts:

WinterBabyIsComing · 02/08/2018 20:31

Were you trying? How far along are you?

I think it isn't uncommon for a man to not really feel like a father until the baby has arrived whereas the woman becomes a mother when she is pregnant. It's easier for you to connect with the pregnancy when you are carrying the baby. He may also be worried and hiding it after the MC .

Original poster

ShanAmanda · 02/08/2018 20:34

Yes we were trying, nearly 7 weeks. I've tried to talk to him about the previous mc, but he shuts me down straight away 😔 I've also said to him that it's affected me to and I need to talk about it. He just doesn't want to know x

OP posts:

physicskate · 02/08/2018 20:47

That's really shitty behaviour on how s part. Of course he's grieving but he's not allowed to throw you under the bus.

If I were in your shoes I'd say he needs counselling to deal with things or I'm on my bike!!

WinterBabyIsComing · 02/08/2018 20:51

It might be that at 7 weeks he feels it's too early to get excited. Have you had an early scan?

It's not a great way to treat you but I can understand that he may be worried and reacting badly as a result.

My DH finds me being pregnant very stressful as he worries about me and the baby.

PotteringAlong · 02/08/2018 20:52

You and your fiancé are not pregnant. You’re pregnant. And, if you had a miscarriage in June you are only about 6 weeks pregnant. And you’ve had a miscarriage but you’re already looking for baby stuff? He’s probably cautious after the last miscarriage and wants to make sure your pregnancy is viable. Cut the guy some slack, take some deep breaths and slow down a bit.

Bobbiepin · 02/08/2018 20:56

Yeah you need to slow down and chill out a bit. It's nice that you are excited but wait until your 20 week scan is all good and then bring things up slowly. It's likely the guy is grieving. That's not an excuse for not talking to you about your feelings, that's pretty shitty but I would imagine he thinks you just want to get excited and carried away with this one.

Original poster

ShanAmanda · 02/08/2018 21:04

We're both super anxious regarding the possibility of miscarriage again. We both went window shopping before I fell pregnant the first time and that was what he pushed for.
I completely understand him being super anxious, but he isn't even interested in appointments; or giving me medical background so I can pass it over to the midwife. I don't mind if he doesn't attend until the first scan. I really would prefer it if he didn't bury his head in the sand though x

OP posts:

Original poster

ShanAmanda · 02/08/2018 21:06

Also just a side note; June wasn't the first time I'd miscarried. I miscarried in a previous relationship which my partner knows about and pretty much supported me through my grieving process. He knows I'm not rushing ahead and forgetting about the previous baby/ies.

OP posts:

mumofone234 · 02/08/2018 21:08

Obviously I don’t know him but I wonder if he’s struggling with the fact that you’ve suffered and doesn’t want to encourage you to get your hopes up incase it happens again? It may be that he’s trying to protect you but going about it in a way that feels a bit pants.

Original poster

ShanAmanda · 02/08/2018 21:12

I did wonder that and it was something my mum also said 😔 maybe it's worth just sitting and having a heart to heart with him when he gets home? Or do I just wait a little longer and see what happens?x

OP posts:

Havetothink · 02/08/2018 21:32

He wanted to go window shopping early with your first, he has learnt his lesson and doesn't want to get so excited so early this time. Give him the benefit of the doubt and at least wait until you've had your 12 week scan to consider looking at baby things, there's no rush so why upset him. I'm sorry for saying this but your previous miscarriage was not his baby so he would not have been attached to that pregnancy in the same way and probably would not have grieved in the same way.

Original poster

ShanAmanda · 02/08/2018 21:42

My first miscarriage wasn't his baby, no, but he supported me through that and I will always, always be grateful. But, my second miscarriage was and he shut himself off. Which I understand because it was his child so yes it would have hurt a lot more.

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 02/08/2018 22:26

One miscarriage is easy for him to put to one side in his mind, especially as it wasn't his, but the 2nd reinforces the possibility that it can happen again and he's learnt his lesson about getting excited too quickly. Give him some mental space from it and let him cope with what's going on now. A month between miscarriage to BFP is no time at all. I really hope this one sticks for you.

mumofone234 · 02/08/2018 22:32

If it’s real bothering you, having a heart to heart might be a good idea. You may both feel better if you can express your fears and feelings. Or as you say, you could wait a little longer and see if he perks up after the first scan. My bet would be that he will.

surreygirl1987 · 02/08/2018 22:51

Sounds like he has complicated feelings about the mc. He should be supportive of you but you need to be mindful that he lost his child too and maybe deals with it differently. Fwiw I felt 7 weeks too early to be talking lots about baby stuff with anyway and def found it too soon to be window shopping! My husband wasnt intersted in baby stuff until around 30 weeks... then when he felt it was real he suddenly went all out! It just took a while for him. Maybe your oh feels the same.

peachesarenom · 02/08/2018 23:50

I'm so sorry about your mcs. I had one too. Do things when you want to, no need to wait to window shop! I told everyone straight away when I got my second bfp because I thought I've bad the worse and I'm defo gonna let myself enjoy the best while I have a chance.

I think you should speak to dp he prolly needs a good cry.

If and I hope you don't, have another mc the Dr's will do investigations. Let dp know you're taking the positive vibes route xxx

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