2nd Child Birthing concerns - not being listened to at all

[user1469992853]

Hi

I am really panicking about how I am bringing my second baby into the world.

With my first (aged 21) I had a dry labour which lasted 46 hours, no pain relief other than paracetamol for nearly 40 hours, put in a 42.5 degree bath and left for 2 hours, midwives sniggering about me, lots of changes in staff, I was left throwing up, staring at a blank wall completely switched off from life and my surroundings. I was also asked if I would like to go home 30 minutes after the above.

Since then I have suffered with incontinence, prolapse and lax vaginal walls (sorry to be graphic) .
I'm now 20 weeks gone with DD2 and scared to death about what option to choose, I am classed as high risk but when sent to the consultant for an initial appointment he was rather rude and condescending. I expressed my concerns about going through what happened before and that I wanted to consider a C-Section due to the damage done last time causing incontinence and prolapse which I was scheduled in for surgery on before getting pregnant.
His words were "why would you not want a natural birth? The damage has already been done so we will just fix you after".
I am heartbroken and petrified of not having any control over my labour and not being listened to again which ended up with me staring at a wall not able to speak to anyone whilst in labour.

Please can someone advise if they opted for a C-Section and was listened to?

User, sorry you had a rough time with your last birth.

I’d ask to see a psychiatrist and insist you get an elective cesarean and reconstructive surgery.

It’s inhumane of your consultant to suggest you go through a vag birth again..
I’d make an official complaint.

Good luck with it all. Let us know how you fare.

Would you be able to speak to a midwife counsellor about coaching and one to one attention during labour in a labour suite rather than a midwife led setting?

I've had two induced labours and the second one was incredible purely down to a very calm student midwife who coached me through the whole thing. I feel very lucky. A second labour might be easier if you can communicate with the midwife about getting pain relief before things get out of hand etc. Just my experience. I don't believe sections are always the answer, mostly because recovery is horrible a lot of the time from what I've seen. Your choice, of course, and I would never dream of judging you for choosing a section. I had a lot of repairs and was very ill after the first birth. The second one has been totally different because it was controlled and communication was excellent. Just less than five weeks ago and I'm back doing everything I was before the birth including my physical self employed job.

Thank you for your responses

I'm definitely going to ask my midwife again for some extra support and guidance - I thought I was okay with it and it's all just come flooding back.

I thought with being high risk I might be treated a little differently this time but as soon as I saw the consultant I feel like it's all going to be the same.

I didn't realise you could be coached through the labour process, was that NHS or private?

Thank you again x

It was NHS! I was just incredibly lucky. If you birth in labour suite, which I'm sure would be an option as you are high risk, you won't be left alone at any time, unlike a midwife unit. Tell the midwife you want to be able to give her a running commentary on how you feel you're progressing. For example, when I started to feel as if my pain would need more than gas and air, we said let's see how the next three contractions go, then do diamorphine. After the first, I knew the next two would be bad, so I was able to say right, give me the shot now so it had worked by the third one. Made all the difference. Diamorphine was also wonderful for making me very relaxed and out of it between contractions but able to cope when they did come.

OP did you see the consultant on your own or with someone else present? Unfortunately I've found some HCPs don't listen and/or give you misinformation, plus are rude if you don't come with someone else as you have no one to witness their behaviour. Due to this at the moment I go to all hospital appointments with my OH.

OMG i couldnt beleive wat i was reading on this post how RUDE! After having 7 babies myself, my first at the age of 17 and all in a nhs setting ive had nothing but praise for these people. I was in labour for 22 hours with my first DD and the same midwives stayed with me from beginning to end even though their shift finished hours before.To read this is shocking if i was you i would demand to see a diffrent consultant which you are entilted to do and also put forward a complaint. I really hope things go well for you.

Very rude. Take support with you next time and a notebook. Write down any comments like this.

Write down questions and concerns you have. If you’re given information you feel is false or misleading ask for it in writing before you leave their office.

Doctors are like everyone else - some are fabulous and some are dreadful. All are human and none are exalted beings on a plane above you. You are the patient and it’s perfect toy within your rights to politely but firmly state your case.

Google and download rcog green tip guideline 45 - this is the VBAC vs C section one. Read it.

You are entitled to see another consultant who will sign off on one. It can be a fight but it’s possibel.

That comment on fixing you afterwards. I would have replied ‘I personally don’t think that’s acceptable. If you do and that’s your advice to me I would like that in writing before I leave today thank you.’

Be polite always, but stand your ground. Take someone with you.

@Beckboop7 if you have no one with you it's your word against theirs and they believe them over you. This is why if you ever have had a HCP who have been rude to you before or are just anxious you need someone to chaperone you.

Hi Everyone

thank you so much for all your responses - it's so reassuring to get some advise.

I have manged to get a phone call with the midwife tomorrow the doctors receptionist wanted me to wait to speak to the midwife until my next appointment in October!

Just to confirm my mum was with me at the appointment as my OH was working away at the time, we we're both very shocked and i think that is why we didn't really register it at the time. It will be interesting to see what the midwife has to say tomorrow and from there I will try to gather myself and get some research in for my best solution.

My biggest fear of natural labour boils down to not being listened to, spoken down to and generally mistreated again - i was literally left staring an inch away from a blank wall for about 5 hours as i'd just given up.

I'll update the post tomorrow on how I get on - once again thank you so much the anxiety tears/episodes have stopped for now x

Hi!

I had an ELCS because I wanted one. I hadn’t had a traumatic vag birth or anything, I just did not want a vag birth in case it turned out flipping horrible. I felt more in control with a cesarean.

It is absolutely your choice, and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. The NHS is supposed to do ELCS on request, and especially for this.

Does your hospital offer a debriefing service? At mine you can ring and someone will walk you through the notes. I found it helpful to know why certain things were done and the decisions they took. You should feel listened to in terms of preferences. It is a shame that some women have to really really fight for elective sections.

Spoke to my midwife today and she has also questioned why I want a c-section, her reason was that she's had one and "they aren't nice nor is recovery".
I asked her if she chose to her c-section and she said she had so I asked why I wouldn't be able to choose?!

All that I went through before doesn't really warrant them accepting my wishes for a c-section. I am so confused that other ladies have had such an easy time choosing an elective C-section. (I am please for them of course as I wouldn't wish this on anyone!)

I have a face to face appointment with her next week for further discussion and then she wants to refer me to another mid-wife who deals with "mentally unstable" pregnant women who have suffered trauma previously.
Talk about being labelled for wanting control of how I'm bringing my baby into the world ...

Personally I'd quote the hell out of the nmc guidelines and find the nice guidelines on elective c sections too, just to put it in front of them so they can't blindside you and try to worm out of it.
And if they are treating you un fairly make sure you write down their names and ask for their nmc pin numbers, you could have a complaint to put in.
Good luck!

speak to the mental health midwife as she will be more compassionate and able to advocate for you!! Dont get offended that they have referred you to her because she is actually very likely to be able to help you... she can also refer you to other people who may help during your labour.

I had a terrible first birth which was very long (induction) and was extremely frightened of giving birth again... I was referred to the mental health team this time round (due to severe pnd after the trauma of the first birth) and they were so so helpful.

I asked for a section instead of an induction and was refused by the consultant who did not seem sympathetic at all. However it did turn out to be the right decision for me as in actual fact all I needed was my waters broken and I then gave birth within 4 hours with no pain relief and no tearing and was out of hospital the same day. Totally different to my first birth.
The mental health team were absolutely amazing though... they saw me just before I gave birth just to talk everything through and then saw me again on the recovery ward to talk over how it had been and then did home visits as much as I wanted/needed.
The birth was so much less traumatic because of them just talking to me and listening to me.
The midwives were all amazing the second time round as well and I do think this was because Id gone in with a mental health care plan due to trauma from the last birth... it just gave them all the heads up to spend some extra time explaining what was going on to me at all points.

So really please do accept the help of the perinatal mental health team if its offered to you.... they can help you speak to the consultant and get a section if thats what you decide you really want or they can help you come to terms with a vaginal delivery... Dont be offended and think it means they think you are 'mad' or something!! Its not mad to be anxious because of a dreadful experience but the mental health team help with that anxiety

thank you so much - I'm really trying to ground myself and try to stop myself getting het up about it all so I can make an informed decision

x

It makes me so angry to hear how you have been treated. It’s inhumane. It’s appalling. You were massively let down.
My midwives held my hand during labour, encouraged me and told me I could do it etc etc. You should have had the same.
Please take the advice from the other sensible posters. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry you were and continue to be treated so badly. I will be wishing things get better. Definitely ask to switch midwives if you feel they are not supporting you

My first birth was awful. Took time and therapy to recover, but I did. Second time I was well looked after because it was so bad the first time around. I’d been told to talk to PALS and they arranged for a senior midwife to note all the trauma of the first birth ( certain key notes had been conveniently lost) etc. In the end my second child was born easily and super fast so I hope that will be the case for you. But whatever you do INSIST on what you feel is right. Every woman experiences birth differently. You have the right to ask for a C section if that’s what you believe would be best after your birth injuries.
I wish you love and luck. Oh and get a new consultant. The one you describe sounds like a total dork. 😳

Shocked you're being treated like this OP, I had ELCS for my two for no reason other than fear of birth (this is in last 4 years) Be firm and tell them if they won't give you one then to refer you to another consultant.

OP you are not mentally unstable. The midwife is just using negative labels to bully you into having a birth you don't want. Hospitals are trying to get their C-section rates especially elective ones down so there are some hoops you have to jump through to make it clear you need one for mental health reasons. Do as PPs said in terms of going armed with guidelines and asking for a different consultant.

Is there another consultant at the hospital? If you are unhappy, you can be transferred to another consultant's care.

I recently did this and am much, much happier.

Op please give these guys a call. www.aims.org.uk
It’s run by a lovely lady who lobbies for better treatment if women during maternity care. They can be your advocate. Tell them about your experience and the consultant you saw. Also consider doing a hypnobirthing course. I think it would help you feel a bit better. It’s more than just about breathing.

Finally saw my midwife today and after some long conversations and a full run through of my experience last time she has opted to change my Consultant, plus the senior midwife who will run through in full the pro's and cons of both VB and C-Section.

I also have an extra appointment with her at 25 weeks

If I am still concerned about things I also have the option to change hospitals if I want to (I am lucky and have close access to two).

I feel a little better and hopefully I will get somewhere.