Dilemma over whether to have a second child! Need advice!

[MummySSG]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet so not too sure how this works. I have a 18 month old son and most of my friends already have at least one (or planning another) or more children. Me and my husband always wanted 2 children but since having our son and realising how hard it is (mainly because I struggled with breastfeeding but stuck at it, due to being advised by midwives etc, and not knowing any better! Ended up feeding every 30mins- 1hour so night time was fun). As I have a few friends currently either pregnant or who have had newborns recently I am getting broody, which I never thought I would get after the nightmare we had with our son as a new born I don't know how I could manage with a second but I really want another! My husband is also unable to help too much due to a serious knee injury and unable to carry any weight or kneel down, therefore I have to pretty much do everything. I don't want to try and persuade my husband of the idea of a second if I'm going to then struggle as that won't be fair on either our son or a new born if we had one. I am so unsure what to do as I really want another and keep imagining my day with my toddler and a new born around. Did anyone else feel like they didn't want another and were happy with their 1st then decided to have a 2nd? Have you managed better than you did with your first? Or if anyone regrets not having another? As I really don't want to regret not having another. Thanks in advance!

Hi there, I see this from both sides. I thought I'd be happy with 1. I had dd after 6 years of trying but found pregnancy, motherhood and childbirth difficult.

Ds arrived 16 months later. Difficult birth again. But it's not actually that bad in terms of extra work.

I have no mum friends and dd had nobody her age to play with and I didn't get on very well at mums groups so it's great that they now have each other and now I'm glad I have 2 but definitely no more.

@MummySSG don't let a difficult first time put you off if you really want another. OH can adapt so that he can play without causing issues for his knees whiteout leaving you to do everything and as they get older the kids will most likely entertain each other. If you struggled with breast feeding you can always go straight to formula, there's absolutely no shame in that and it means OH can help too.

Thanks for responding! I think I'm putting myself off as we both agreed when our son was a baby that we will not have anymore and we kept saying it as he literally never slept! Which now looking back and knowing a bit more from him growing up I think he must of just been hungry as like I said I was feeding every 30 mins - 1 hour til he was almost 5 months!! Health visitor can be so pushy with the breast feeding, but if I did have another I think I will do what I want and not what I think they think is best!! This has made me feel a bit more positive but still not 100% as I feel bad my son will miss out on mummy time if I have a new born to attend too as well! Why is it so hard to decide on a second but it was so easy to want the first! Lol

Thanks for responding mrsnec, omg this is similar to my scenario. I had a difficult birth. Although my friends are all having babies we don't live so close anymore so I don't see many of my friends and feel my son misses out on seeing other children and also I don't get on with mums at the baby/toddler groups so I feel another would give my son some company. This has made me feel more positive about another but I'm still not 100% but this advice is helping me so I'm glad I came here! Thanks

This is currently also my dilemma. Have DS 15 months who naps for two hours in the day regular as clockwork and finally /at last/never though it would happen sleeps 7 til 7. I enjoy my time with him but also enjoy my break and having evening back. Am working part time and finally feel almost back to normal. We agreed to another baby although DH wasn't keen but now I'm getting cold feet! Hated pregnancy, had an EMCS, felt lonely and don't want to basically give up another 18 months of my life again as I know what's coming this time. Just trying to imagine having two children who (hopefully) get on and play together in a few years time. Following with interest!

I really struggled with my first, but went on to have a second and found it so much easier. It was really odd.
My life had turned upside down when I became a mother, and went the right way up when I had my second.

While I don't have a similar issue with my OH I totally recognise some of what you're feeling - I had a terrible breastfeeder with my first, and combined with a slightly crappy birth I was extremely sleep deprived in the early days. It affected me mentally and I really struggled until about 4 or 5 months. Up until then I thought definitely stick with one! I started getting broody around the one year mark, just as anxiety relating to my first birth kicked in! I was pretty confused. In the end I got counselling and decided to go for number two - mainly because it really appealed to have a sibling for DD, as well as a biological urge!

I'm now 22 weeks and looking forward to the baby stage. I did need to go back to counselling as anxiety really ramped up when I got pregnant, but in terms of practicalities this time I feel so much more confident. I know that if breastfeeding doesn't work, I will use formula - in hindsight the perseverance wasn't worth the impact on my mental state. I will ask for help more. (Also specific to me but I'll have a elcs so no birth worries about losing control this time).

On a practical level with your OH's knee injury you will probably have worked out some ways round it - eg raised surfaces for bathing and changing? So it may not be such a big issue, it may just feel like a huge barrier because you were having such a hard time feeding so often last time. In my experience sleep deprivation can really skew your view!

Good luck with the decision! It is tricky! Xx

It sounds to me like you’re not ready for another baby yet. Which is not to say you won’t be, but a 2 year age gap isn’t huge (I got pregnant when DD1 was 18 mo and loads of people said “blimey that was quick!”). Unless time really isn’t on your side, I’d just wait a while, enjoy your lovely boy and see how you feel in a few months. Nothing wrong with having an only if that’s what’s best for your family.

Hi there, I had a difficult first birth which ended in emergency c-section then a difficult first few months eith my ds. Had to do combined feed as he had jaundice etc but wasn't working so switched to formula. DS was and is a terrible sleeper (he's 15 months now and still wakes throughout the night). I said in the hospital I wouldn't have anymore but am now 23 weeks pregnant with my second ds. He was very much planned. I knew I wanted a sibling for my ds and decided whilst I'm used to a few hours sleep I may as well have the second. I'm very excited about having another bubba and am so broody 😆 I liked the idea of a close age gap- there will be 18 months between them. I do worry it will be difficult but know it will get easier eventually.

Hi there, I said I would never have another child after my first as the birth was so traumatic and the recovery slow and painful. However, a mere 13 months later we are ttc number 2! Do what is best for you and your family, though. Perhaps wait a bit longer and see if the broodiness lasts? I'm sorry you had such a bad time breastfeeding- please don't feel bullied into it if you do have another. There is no harm/shame in formula feeding! I breastfeed DS and next time will definitely combi feed so I get a break now and then!!

I had the same experience as fluffy with the birth and the feeding of dd.

Ds was another c section but slightly less traumatic, faster recovery, and a shorter hospital stay. I had the same problem with feeding but I didn't beat myself up about it.I switched to formula sooner and I felt better equipped to stand my ground when I felt bullied.

Dd was sleeping well by the time ds arrived. She adapted to new routines easily and was happy to amuse herself from a very early age. This helps a lot.

There are times its not easy though but it gets better every day. Mine are 2 and 3 now.

I had 2 children 2 years apart and it was really nice. They are in their 20's now and are great friends. Mine did sleep. I had problems with my first for a few days due to hellish breastfeeding. Luckily my health visitor was not a Nazi and I gave it up quick and she slept like a baby!!

My second wasn't planned but I loved being an experienced mum. I felt confident and knew I could do it. Because I was on my own I established routines pretry quickly. In those days it wasn't considered child abuse to leave them to cry for a little while.

I can't advise you one way or another but I was glad I had two as they kept each other company. They were close enough in age that bar 2 years they were together in primary and secondary school at the same time which was very convenient.

I made a lot of friends with other parents and was able to get them minded when I was ready to start going out in the evenings again.

I don't think only children are disadvantaged but I am glad I had two.

I like my adult children's company and I'm glad that they have each other. With the two of them and friends and family there was generally a good buzz around the place.

There were awful times too but that's just life.

I know exactly how you feel. I have an 18mo DS who was also a terrible sleeper. I breastfed too and although I never had any physical problems, I was never confident with it and always doubted my supply. I was also feeding every hour at night. I'm now at the point where I'm so broody and my DH thinks I'm crazy for wanting another. I had a difficult birth and he thinks I'm mad for wanting to do it all again. I figure that my DS was so difficult that I already know how to deal with all the hard stuff and I survived it. Therefore a second baby could only be the same or easier. I'm still not rushing into it though and thinking to maybe start TTC when he is about 2.
I think it would maybe be worse though if we had had a perfect first born that slept from day one and then the second was a nightmare. At least this way I know exactly what's coming!!

Thankyou so much to all of you for your responses and personal experience. I think a 2nd child may be in my future now , instead of it being a no! I am going to give it some time though to enjoy the time I have on my own with my son and maybe see how I feel again in 6 months as I don't want a big age gap if I were to have one. I'm thinking that as I'm thinking about another it is something I want, I don't want to just have my son (who I love so much and can't actually see me loving another person as much as him!) And regret not ever having another. I know no one would ever admit to it or probably has never felt like they regretted having anymore children, I think I will regret not having another. I was absolutely fine about giving birth to my son but am now petrified of the idea after how awful my labour was!!! I also had a horrible pregnancy and suffered such a bad back that I had to be signed off work 2 months before my maternity even started!! I am so worried I will have a bad pregnancy and not be able to look after my son as I am basically on my own as my husband is unable to help as much as he would like! I really appreciate all your messages and think I have some thinking to do!! Need to defiantly weigh up the pros and cons! Although I think I am always going to want another child, no matter how hard it has all been. And I really don't want to not have one and regret it! It's not selfish on my son having another child is it? In fact it would benefit him as he has a sibling and a life long friend right? I just feel my attention would not be on him as much and it will affect him. I feel I'm making this a tougher decision than it should be! Although I do like my life at the moment just our little family so that is probably why I'm struggling to decide right now! I think I defiantly need to reassess the situation in a few months or longer and see how I feel and enjoy spending the time I have with my son! Thanks again for responses!

It's such a difficult one; and one I overthought excessively. (I'm now pregnant with DD2) I don't have any siblings and had a very happy childhood so that was also a factor in my overthinking... but like you said I thought that looking back in years to come I would regret not having another, particularly if I was able. So we went for it and it happened!

Some of my convincing thoughts were about giving my DD a sibling to play (and I'm sure fight!) with, plus the social development of having a sibling is a big draw which I think will benefit the child. Also, growing up I'm feeling the pressure of supporting both parents by myself and I'm very envious of DH who has siblings to share the burden/decision making that comes with aging parents. That being said there is totally nothing wrong with having one and savouring everything you have with them, either way it's your family

From my experience - have had a couple of wobbly lip moments thinking about neglecting my little girl when her sister arrives, and in turn then worrying I can't possibly love the second as much as my first! - and that of my friends, you'll always feel 'selfish' on the odd occasion for having another but that's because they're too little to understand! When they're playing together when older and friends, if we're lucky, they won't feel that way!

In the end i thought once we've decided to have two there's no point in not just cracking on - though it did happen disconcertingly quickly! - the physical obstacles will always be yet unfortunately. Every pregnancy is different too.

I think it's very easy to overthink things here. I had a wobble as I have a close in age sibling I don't get on with and so does my dm and fil. In the end I just have to not let that put me off and decide to be different. Dh is an only child and his childhood was far from perfect.

Re pregnancy, had the same problems with ds and a few more. But I knew what to do and I was monitored more closely because of my history and had more tests than before. I didn't work though so it definitely helped being able to take it easy sometimes. I was very sick, had wierd allergies, spd and borderline gestational diabetes.

Dh went back to work really quickly as he is self employed. I didn't have much help and the first few weeks are a blur. I don't know how I coped but I did.

We made a conscious effort to spoil dd when ds arrived.

Once dh was on board with the idea we decided we'd accept whatever happens and let fate decide. Ds arrived much sooner than anticipated especially since dd took six years and an mc to conceive.

Good luck op!

Thanks for all the positive responses. I feel like I want another, it will be nice for my son but I don't want to push myself too much by having another person to look after! Not sure if I can handle looking after 2, a house, a husband and a dog lol. My sister is a single parent of 2 and she copes ok but she doesn't have a husband to clean up after too lol I think I need to weigh up the pros and cons. As I had slight PND when my son was born, think it was down to the breast feeding not going so well and I really wanted to do well at it so I think I beat myself up a bit and therefore didn't really enjoy the newborn stage with my son (sounds quite mean, but I was pretty much just feeding all the time so when I wasn't feeding I didn't feel the need to hug and just hold him, which I regret so much now as he doesn't really like cuddles lol) so I don't want to bring another person into the world and then not cope well and have a toddler to look after aswelll. Decisionsn, decisions!!

Honestly, 2 children is way way harder than 1 in my experience. I have a 4 year gap and it is really knocked me for 6. I don't regret the baby, but wouldn't of done it If I knew it would be this hard. That ia my experience, I am just spread to thinly between them,husband, family, friends, house and time for myself for anyone to get any satisfaction