Overbearing parents/in laws when pregnant 😢

[Bowler86]

Hi everyone.
This is my first ever thread I hope I’m not alone and just needed to tell someone, even if it’s strangers how I feel me and my husband are expecting our first baby...we are 14 weeks pregnant now in our planned pregnancy. I’m finding my mother and mother in law so annoying right now, that’s I feel my depression has creeped back in on me. I have a GP appointment booked this week. My mother in law keeps pushing names on me, and then complains that I don’t like her suggestions. My husband has mentioned one we like for a boy and she is there saying that that name is definitely what we have to have as she likes it, she then goes on to say ‘we now need to sit together and find a girls name we like’ meaning her and us....I don’t want anyone deciding my babies name...it’s my choice and my husbands. She has also offered to buy our prom which is very generous and I’m grateful, but I know it will come with problems...such as she thinks she is choosing what we will have based on her taste and ideas...how do you tell someone buying you a generous gift that you want to choose it without being ungrateful? Then there is my mum upset that I told her I don’t want her at my birth as I feel it is very personal for me and my husband. I went on to say we have decided we don’t want visitors at the hospital nor at home until we feel ready, she was upset at this insisting she is excited and wants to see baby ASAP...I explained me and husband want to bond with baby ourselves and have those first precious cuddles...if I allow her I have to allow all parents as unfair, and due to my parents delegating we have 6 parents!! I don’t want to give birth to then watch 6 other people all have their cuddles whilst I sit there watching...she messages me asking how is ‘our’ bump doing and as soon as I had scan wanted pictures sending and to tell her friends...we then go over to show the scan pictures and she tells my stepdad to get his camera so she can take a picture of my scan?! When I asked why? She said so she can frame them in the living room...no asking me if I wish to share the pictures?!! She went in to tell me I should be more excited than what I am and baby will feed of my negativity!! I’m trying to not get over excited as my sister recently lost a baby at 17 weeks and that is very much in my mind as I saw the pain she went through. I am excited of course, but feel so pressured to be what everyone thinks I should and with them all butting in I just feel depressed and disengaged with everything...it’s taking my excitemet away and filling me with dread so sorry for the massive rant and post...just needed to talk to other mums

You're right to feel annoyed! You need to stand uour ground!

You need to tell them bluntly that they're spoiling it for you.

Ask your MIL who chose your husband's name.

Ask your mum who was with her when she gave birth.

I really feel for you, my mum was like this and I had to be very firm with her. This is your body, your baby and your little family and there is nothing wrong with doing everything your way. Good luck with this it's really difficult xx

@Bowler86 Literally could have written this post myself. We have experienced the exact same issues from all parents (again loads of them due to separations etc). Being told by my Dad he had ‘naming rights’ 😡
I am now 33 weeks and it has got much better. I think the novelty has wore off with them all. I know it is difficult but try not to let them get to you. I found I took everything to heart and got very upset, which is no good for anyone. Now I refuse to discuss names with any of them, as I don’t care about their opinions. Lots of love for the rest of your pregnancy, it will get better 💖

Tell your MIL you have already picked names and are keeping them to yourselves. That’s what we did as we weren’t interested in people’s opinions. Concerning the pram just go and find one you like and buy it. If she is true to her word you she will give you the money for/towards it. If she beats you to it and buys one she likes just go and return it to the shop.

I know it’s easier said than done but you need to learn to just stand up for yourself. This is your pregnancy and you and your partner should have the final say in all matters relating to it. Don’t feel bad about saying no or disagreeing with either of them.

The fuss with the scan pictures sounds pretty normal to be fair, and I think you should just accept this as her being excited to meet her grandchild.

Also keep an open mind about visits after the birth, and play it by ear. You might not be in hospital long enough to have visitors, but if you are you might be pleased for a hit of company. When I got home I was a bit bent out of shape from the birth but dying to introduce my son to friends and family, and found it really touching that people went out of their way to visit or send cards and gifts. Tell them you don’t know how you will be feeling til you have had him and they will see you and the baby as soon as you are feeling up to it.

I could have written this exact post. It's lovely they are so excited and want to be involved but it's so overwhelming, especially when we found out it's twins. Same as you MIL is gifting funds towards pram and keeps messaging me names! My mum is better but already on baby shower, which I'm.not keen on being a high risk pregnancy. I do think novelty is wearing off now so hope the same for you x

Thank you everyone. My problem is a do stand up for myself so then I come across as the bad person...when I told my mum I don't want her having copies of my scan and put in frames as to be honest took by surprise my step dad told me she is excited and waited a long time for this...I know that I really do...but to of been asked would of been nice...ima. Very very personal person, and find that this is the not personal thing for me and hubby to experience. MiL also saying I should have FIL name as middle name...I wouldn't do that as we have three dads between us, wouldn't be fair and nor do I like their names more annoyed at being told I should be more excited....who says I have to have a smile from ear to ear...I'm bloody scared and hormonal and now facing depression on top my hormones are making me hate all people atm and everything everyone does bloody annoys me!! I told MIL bluntly that when we find out the sex of baby me and husband will sit down and short list the names that me and him like and only us...it's hard to separate them all being excited to being damn right overbearing and selfish

I can totally relate to this. First of all I would defer all chat about visitors / gifts till nearer tbe birth. You have a long time to go so you can fob them off for a while. Also they will annoy you a bit less later on when the hormones settle down. If you can’t fob them off get blunt and tell them to back off.

I just had a baby and you are right to try to defer visits if you think that it will be too much. My parents and I laws insisted in coming within days of birth. We live far away from them so it involved a ‘journey’ and staying in a nearby hotel. My mil spent best part of three days with us. She is lovely but I was completely overwhelmed by hormones, trying to establish feeding, exhausted and really in no state for her to be there. I was bloody furious. My parents just booked to come down without even asking if it was ok. They knew we wanted some space after birth but went she’d snd booked so I could t say no. When they were here they did nothing to help except buy baby grows (much appreciated but they could have at least made a cup of tea or unloaded the dishwasher) Visitors are ok for an hour or so but more was too much. I ended up in bed with floods of tears. Totally messed up feeding too. So stand firm on that. The baby will still be there 5/7 days later it is far more important that you are recovered from birth.

Thanks you @laurG...I just know me and know I won't cope with lots of people at hay close to birth...I will tell people when I feel ready and of course my husband to. He can only take one week off work too as self employed, so want that week to be us three bonding and finding our feet in this new but bloody experience new chapter of life...I know I will need loved ones after birth, but want to be respected in MY pregnancy with MY baby....hormones also have a lot to answer for 😂😂

I could have written this status too! I really feel for you Hun my mother in law has been an absolute nightmare all the way through my pregnancy I'm now 40 weeks and due to give birth anytime. Cutting to the point when we told her we were expecting she went out buying evreything! Moses basket toys essentials evreything before my 12 week scan! I was very frustrated as I would have been devastated if anything was to happen to baby and we had all this stuff :/ she also went out and brought me a pram! I wanted to pick my own pram as I would be wheeling it. But nope I got zero say in that either! And then she would say things like how's my baby doing and I'm like don't you mean my baby. And then now she's pestering me saying let me know when you've had him as I want to come hospital straight away and really I just want some space! On top of all this she's interfering saying I'll babysit when you do this and when you do that and I'm like well that won't be very often as I don't want people to baby sit as I wanna be there for my child and when I do want a babysitter I would like my own parents to be baby sitting over her so frustrating xx

Just don't tell them anything. Keep quite and keep some distance for a few weeks/ days.

Could have written the same post myself! Told my midwife about feeling guilty about worrying about it as with twins I might be glad of the extra pair of hands but she agreed rp be firm and stand my ground and said that so many expectant mothers have the same worries about their mums and MILs. Feel awful as I know it is so exciting for them too but I find it completely overwhelming!

i feel the same LucyMD as i know i'm sure i will need help and i know they're excited but i feel at the cost of my own happiness as don't want to upset them. I keep having horrible thoughts of 'have i made a huge mistake' 'will i regret this' ect which i feel awful for as we tried for this baby....i'm hoping once i get back on my depressants when seeing Dr tomorrow that these horrible thought will go away....feel like the worse mother/wife for feeling like i am :(

It's horrible isn't it! Feel so guilty but at the same time really want some private time to bond and just to be at home the four of us. Also on antidepressants and have a mental health midwife who has been so helpful! Its just such a difficult one to manage isn't it! Hope you are feeling ok x

Having similar with my MIL. DP and I are having to be firm with her as she has essentially bought all of the bigger baby items! It’s obviously very generous of her but she majorly got carried away and we have very little left to buy ourselves. DP just ended up snapping at her in the end and felt awful afterwards but it does all get very overbearing and suffocating.

You need to be firm and explain you and your DH will decide on a name and that it’s up to you when you have visitors.

Yes definitely agree! I'm hoping to set out fair and firm expectations from the start as I'm worried about giving an inch and a mile being taken and then ending up snapping and feeling awful - easier said than done though!

Earlier in my pregnancy I would discuss names with my mum and any I mentioned she would say she didn’t like them. Therefore any time recently where she’s said names to me I make no comment, and I haven’t mentioned any names in months. Me and my husband have settled on one boy and one girl name and haven’t told anyone! It’s hard, but try not to let other people ruin this time for you.

You need to tell them where to go. If you don't set those boundaries now, it'll only get worse.

For example, when they say "our" bump reply saying "mine and DHs bump is doing just fine"

You poor thing that sounds so irritating l.

I hate this behaviour and suspect my mum will be as bad. It’s like you’ve had YOUR time to do all that stuff, now it’s my time.

I think your partner should have a frank conversation with her

Thank you ladies...i'm so glad i joined mumsnet and put up a thread...sometimes easier talking to strangers, but strangers who have same experiences. we have decided to kepp our distance from parents for a week or so and allow me time to see Dr and get myself sorted...that way will be much better equip to stand up for me and husband and put our feelings across but without being to mean...i belive firm but fair and put a stop to this. i got to work today and just burst into tears, had a chat with the ladies who i work with who are all grandmothers from daughters so i could hear other side and they all agreed it's too much....so nice to see im not being a bitch xx

Nah your definitely not being a bitch. She may mean well but she is being overbearing and she’s had her time to do all this stuff. She needs to respect your boundaries