Husband being uncaring - pregnant and failing at trying to stay calm

[Chester1980]

I need a hug. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone that I’m in this situation.

I’ve just been historically crying during and after a row with my husband. He shouted back and went out.

It all started this morning when I asked if he could take me to work to pick up stuff so I could work from home. It was v early and I was just exhausted and couldn’t face a day in the office. I’m 26 weeks pregnant this week.

He said it was cheeky to ask. Anyway, i just got a taxi as there was some work I had to get done. Then I took the rest of the day sick as well felt so exhausted.

Later, he messages me, doesn’t ask how I am (he often doesn’t ask how I’m doing), and then asked if I’d hung up the washing. I got annoyed and said that.

This evening he went out for a few hours without saying and wasn’t contactable on his mobile. I told him off for this and said I need to be able to contact him now I’m pregnant. He said battery was dead and had a “what’s the problem” attitude.

He’s been drinking lots and thinks that I am controlling when I ask him to cut down. He doesn’t get that I could do with him being consious in case something happens.

I have nowhere I can go (no family nearby), and obviously I feel kind of vulnerable right now.

About a week ago, we had a row. And when I got tearful he laughed.

Even if I’ve been out of order at all - shouldn’t a decent person try and calm down their 6 months pregnant wife? His reaction upsets me. No attempt to comfort me.

I need to try and stay calm for the baby, but his reactions and not caring leaves me so upset.

You need to be leaving him before you have the baby, he's abisive.

He’s a horrible person and you and your baby deserve more

What was he like before you were pregnant?

He could be like this occasionally before I was pregnant (he wasn’t like this before he had some issues at work, that I think affected him). He struggles with anything personal. I know I’ve been an idiot to think anything would change.

Just want to point out that he does most of the housework, so he’s not lazy and I’m not a woman who does everything for him while he sits around drinking ..but then I do the admin and work longer hours. He makes me feel I am lazy as I do less around the flat though.

To be honest it sounds like he wants a bit of space, you're obviously upset and I apologize if I'm interpreting this wrong but it sounds like your title was right and you're failing to stay calm. If you didn't feel well enough to drive you should have just called in sick. If he asked if you hung the washing you could just say no I needed to rest. He tried to escape by turning his phone off, and no he shouldn't be getting drunk, but the moment he returned you instigated another fight by telling him off. Maybe you should consider having a few days off work to rest, it sounds like you could use some extra sleep, perhaps he could too?

Thanks @havetothink. Agree he was after space and I told him off when I could have ignored it. I always try to have a sensible conversation - but he just can’t do that, he ignores the situation or gets nasty.

I got upset about the washing in particular because when I am resting he will often happily make a point of saying I should be doing something around the place. Even waking me up. I couldn’t face another evening of being picked on when I wanted to rest.

He works flexi, so gets up and goes to work when he pleases, so I don’t think he needs extra sleep. He’s in bed when I leave for work and often having an after work nap when I get home.

I felt I really couldn’t call in sick because of a meeting today I needed to prep for and I had to handover to a team of people who wouldn’t have had much to do without my input unfortunately. I am v tempted to take a few days, as you suggest, from after this meeting today though.

I think there’s a problem with the drinking as he can’t control it. He keeps going after a few drinks and gets upset when I ask him to stop. He will even sometimes try and hide the alcohol he’s bought from me.

We have been getting on ok a lot lately....but even then he doesn’t ask me how I’m doing.

To be honest you sound either very tired or a bit hormonal. Crying hysterically after a row and the same last week...I think you’re feeling a bit unloved and asking for attention.
On the other hand, he’s not being very nice. Perhaps he thinks you’re making too much of the pregnancy, you have 3.5 months to go so he probably expects you to be ok for another month or two yet. Or maybe he’s getting nervous.
Can you find a way to manage stress, perhaps swimming or going out with female friends to give you both a bit of space and variety?

Congratulations

Do you have a friend you can confide in. I find the laughing at you a bit disturbing. I think people need to be aware that it’s not appropriate to say OP is being “hormonal” or “tired”.
Op, you are are upset for a reason, this behaviour does sound a bit border line abusive. The alcohol is a worry and I can understand that with a baby on the way you are worried. Can you leave him for a week while you get some rest? Is there family you could go to while you take some time away from work? Xxx

The alcohol and the being mean/ laughing are concerning.

Is this your first baby? I suspect he may have unrealistic expectations via friends/ family about how much you can do at 5 months (especially in this heat!) Are you able to get support from a doctor/ midwife to set him straight? You shouldn't need to, but sometimes an external expert helps shake sense into a partner. You can raise your concerns privately with your midwife - they will have experience of this.

I also agree with a PP that you need rest. After this meeting you need some time off.

Take care of yourself OP!

She probably is tired and hormonal - she’s heavily pregnant in a heat wave. She asked him for a lift, not a bloody kidney.

OP, he sounds like a shit to me. Asking for a bit of help when pregnant is hardly unreasonable, waking you up when you’re resting is shitty. Going out and being uncontactable at this stage is unacceptable, as is drinking heavily. Anything can happen and you may need help. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Going out and being uncontactable at this stage is unacceptable, as is drinking heavily. Anything can happen and you may need help.

Well yes, but anything can happen at any point. She’s 26 weeks pregnant, not 36 weeks.

I am honestly torn with this one. He sounds like a dick. No doubt about that.

But what jumped out at me is when you said Even if I’ve been out of order at all - shouldn’t a decent person try and calm down their 6 months pregnant wife?

I am not sure about this. It sounds like you are saying you can act how you want, and he should always remain calm and take whatever you throw at him. Even though you are pregnant, I don't think that's realistic.

Are you sure you haven't both got into a cycle of being pissed off with eachother and both feel you valid reasons for resenting the other?

Or is he a massive dick.

The drinking and the laughing at you is unacceptable.

It's interesting you start with something that is much less of a big deal - really, most people are having to work, travel, care for children etc at 26 weeks, and barring extreme sickness / spd similar I think getting yourself to work (or organising the night before to bring things home) is not unreasonable, especially if he's also doing most of the housework. Are you perhaps more concerned about the big things and focussing on these little details?

Either way, he needs to sort his drinking and his attitude to you - and hope you can get some rest.

Well yes, but anything can happen at any point. She’s 26 weeks pregnant, not 36 weeks.

And some people go into labour at 26 weeks and need urgent hospital treatment. Being uncontactable generally when your other half is pregnant is not on, especally later on.

I wouldn't expect my husband to be contactable at all times (although he probably is)... and I'm 30 weeks. If there was a problem I know I could call triage, 111, a taxi to hospital or even 999 if serious! My husband isn't going to be critical to my/baby's health if something did go wrong!

It sounds like he does have issues but you are pushing him further away - he probably feels like you are nagging and controlling him. Give him some space and take some for yourself!

I had my babies early and very unexpectedly by emcs within two hours of arriving at the hospital for a check up. If my DH had been uncontactable he would have missed the birth of his kids and not been there to support me either through a very traumatic time. There are reasons one might need to be uncontactable but going out on the piss isn’t one of them.

I can see how it’s coming across as me controlling him - last night he just disappeared without saying anything. I didn’t know when he’d be home....and if he was going to the pub, what state he’d be in. When he does get drunk it’s to an unconscious state....I physically cannot move him and I get no sleep because he can sleepwalk, snore, even pee in the bath (I guess there’s worse places to pee). He does need to start being more responsible as I genuinely would be v concerned about that kind of thing happening with a baby in the house.

I guess he doesn’t realise those are the thoughts going through my head and will step back further when he thinks I’m trying to control him.

The crying is rare - but it happens based on me being hurt by him not comforting me, so gets like a vicious cycle.

I don’t think I’m out of order and expect him to stay calm. I do expect to be able to have an adult conversation though. When I try to have a grown up two way chat, he looks at his phone and ignore me, which I think is a bit disrespectful.

He listens to his family though - I don’t want to bring them into it, but he would take on what they say.

I will take on what’s been said here about the nagging. I certainly don’t want to be a nag!

He obviously doesn't grasp how tiring pregnancy can be, it's a difficult thing to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. I'm 29 weeks and my house is currently a tip because I can't bring myself to do the things I normally do, especially with this heat.
Hiding alcohol is clearly a problem, if you can, sit him down, tell him you feel worried, ask him if he could reduce his drinking a bit (don't immediately say stop) if you can, suggest he picks two days in a row when he doesn't drink (that will give his liver a bit of a rest). If he genuinely has a problem it's not going to go away overnight but perhaps you can get him to recognise it if you tackle it carefully.
Ignore him laughing, people do stupid things when they're fighting.

My husband never asks how I am, but that's probably because I'm constantly telling him about my aches, pains and tiredness so he doesn't feel the need to ask.

Firstly this should be in Relationships really, you’ll get more/better advice there.

There are two big issues. The drinking and the contempt for you. I mean laughing when you’re upset, making you feel that you’re lazy for not doing more housework (if you work longer hours and you’re pregnant it’s perfectly fair that he does most or all of it).

Did he have a drinking problem before you got pregnant? Did you think/hope he would change?

OP hugs to you.
To other posters, I wouldn’t normally say this so baldly but do you think we could keep a bit of kindness in our hearts and hold on to judgement.
Op I used to be in a relationship with someone that had a drink problem as you are describing. After a heartbreaking couple of years of behaviours (I suspect you are only sharing part of what you are going through due to the shame of it all) I was exhausted and in tears most days.
He would do what you describe, going awol, passinging iut in the street, urinating everywhere (why the F do they have to do that?!) picking fights with me, accusing me of things, verbal abuse, laughing at me, telling me that I was needy. The list goes on...
I won’t share exactly how it ended but I did have to forcibly remove him from our shared flat and his parents became involved (I think you could confide in your in laws). He eventually told me that the alcohol came first before me. I’m afraid that’s how it is with someone with a drink problem. The booze is king.
You need to protect yourself now, you need to protect your baby more! That’s an innocent life. Your partner won’t have anything to give this child if the booze is still the priority.
Please take yourself seriously and protect yourself. Get away for a bit. Your partner may use this as an opportunity to go on a weeks bender. Or they may use it as a wake-up call. But that in my experience is rare.
I also find it really rude when people post that something has been placed in the wrong section. This girl is obviously reaching out because she is desperate and in need of help. I’m just wondering if we could all find in our hearts to be a little bit more considerate of the delicate feelings of others.

In response to the self-appointed thread police ()

Pointing out that another section would be better is not necessarily a criticism, in my case I am trying to make a helpful suggestion as you can get threads moved or start a new thread in that section for more advice.

As for your patronising comment about kindness/judgement, you are the one judging others for their posts. I was not judging the OP, I was seeking to understand her situation and thought process better in order to offer advice and support.

If she hoped (or is hoping) that he would change, that’s something we can discuss and support her with. You have to ask the question first though.

You aren’t being controlling and nagging OP. Don’t blame yourself for his shit behaviour.

You can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, but you can decide for yourself 1) what is and isn’t acceptable to you in a relationship and 2) what you will do if he crosses that line. Obviously Plan A is that he listens, takes you seriously, has a good discussion with you and is willing to treat you with respect and kindness. If he won’t do that, though, have a thought about what plan B could look like for you.

Thank you all for your comments. Much appreciated.

@aetw you’re so right in terms of booze being king. When it becomes more important to have a drink than sensibly be able to have a conversation and understand the impact it has in someone else, then there’s an issue. When it’s so important to have a drink for no occasion, but say it being Tuesday and that you hide it, then there’s a problem. The situation you described that you were in sounds v similar to mine.

I stayed away one night in a hotel a few months ago to try and give the wake up call. I got an apology....and then a few weeks later he was taking the p*ss out of the fact I felt I had to go and stay elsewhere. It was in a silly way - but still undermined that I felt I needed to stay away.

Unfortunately, I don’t have family to stay with nearby....and I don’t want to bring mutual friends into the drama who live locally.

I am going to try with his family and see if they can talk some sense into him.

YWBU about work: if you’re not fit to do the commute take time off sick, or pre-arrange to wfh.

But his behaviour sounds nasty, and it sounds like he has an alcohol problem. Suggest you attend al anon and consider your own and DC’s interests. You can’t control or cure him, only set your own boundaries.

Yeh the laughing when you're crying thing reminds me of a really nasty ex of mine. Even if he feels like you're nagging him, there is really no need for that. Sounds like it has become a vicious cycle and he does need to take some responsibility.

To the poster who pointed out about missing his child's birth if he was uncontactable- well yes... but that would be his loss and his fault in my eyes! And at 26 weeks (I think that's what she said?) there is obviously little chance of that! I'll expect my husband to be contactable at all times probably from around 35/36 weeks. I know things COULD kick off much sooner than that but it's clearly much less likely. And as I said, if anything happens before that, it's a medical professional that I'd need urgently rather than my husband!

Op, I really feel for you. It was one of the hardest things I ever went through and I didn’t have a baby in the mix of it. I decided I had to get out of my situation in the end because he was never going to stop.
I came to this realisation after reading several of Melody Beatties books. “Codependent no more” made me realise I couldn’t give him a wake up call or control what he did. I was right about that.
I kicked him out and he promised to change. He moved on to another relationship about a year later and I heard he assaulted her when he was drunk. Thank god that was never me. He never got help for his drink problem because he loves the drink too much.
I wish you all the best for you and your baby. Xxx