I came to Peru for a short term job (6 months) earlier this year. I was completing a masters in Design and co running a business in a field I adored but applied for the job on a Sunday night and 2 months later (and a lot of money/ prep) I was on my plane to Peru.
I don't speak Spanish and it wasn't a requirement as the job was for English natives. I mainly took the job to come to Peru and collect visual research as I'd researched South American history throughout my degree.
I arrived in Peru and met my landlord (31yo) my first night. We bumped into each other over the next few days and started dating shortly after. He was kind from the start and I wasn't opposed to dating whilst here in Peru. It became serious very quickly after he told me he loved me and wanted me to stay. These discussions started after about a month of dating. I started to become distressed at having to make the decision to stay in Peru when I'd only agreed to complete a 6 month program. I continued with my job and tried to view Peru as my possible future home. I was extremely happy in the beginning I feel that's part of the high an expat experiences when they are surrounded by everything new and exciting. The winter arrived and it is grey day to night, for days weeks and months. I had problems with my job in terms of acquiring my visa and consistent delays in being paid which ultimately put me off the entire teaching experience.
For the past 2 months I barely go and they don't really notice my absence. And since being asked to stay by my partner and after considering it I had been applying for additional jobs. I got another teaching job which I'm slightly suspicious of and an interview with another institution. As far as jobs go, my only option is teaching English as I don't speak Spanish and I've spent my life working towards a creative career. After 5 months of being in Peru I find myself no longer wanting to even learn Spanish. I don't like it in my district and as Peru is a developing country all I seem to notice is the poverty and how its so far behind in terms of social and technological development. Theres dust everywhere, the traffic drives me insane and the air is heavy with pollution. I miss rain and seeing greenery.
I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago, since I was a big smoker and had some symptoms I wanted to take a test to confirm if I needed to stop smoking. The test showed positive instantly and I took another to be sure. My partner asked his sister for advice and we booked in for a scan to see if it was a true pregnancy. The doctors appointment consisted of my partner and the doctor talking amongst themselves in Spanish and despite asking for him to translate I was just left there outside of the conversation.
My partner is over joyed and thanked me for the blessing. The truth is I don't think I love him. Due to past experiences I find after a few months of dating I am completely incapable of committing to one person and eventually the relationship breaks down. Im 26 and I would prefer to be living alone doing my own thing than starting a life with another person. He tells me he loves me all the time but the language barrier and the fact we don't actually have much in common makes me feel alone.
He has been in contact with my parents for a while now as I tend to allow them to know who I'm dating, they are pretty involved in my life as my number one supporters. They love him and they were happy when I told them about the pregnancy. I was going mad the week following the doctors appointment, I didn't want to live in Peru or raise a child here. I didn't want to be 6000 miles away from my family and no discussion about visits makes me feel better about it. I decided to tell my mum so I could tell her how I was feeling about staying and her response made it clear that abortion didn't even cross her mind. She just told me I don't have to come home and be a single mum.
Before I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to go home. I am so weak that every time my partner asked me to stay I couldn't tell him I wanted to go home. He'd say to just tell him and he'd keep the memories and although I've honestly tried to create a life here, by finding work and taking Spanish classes - seriously trying to integrate and consider Peru my home - all I want is to go back to my home, complete my masters and continue my plans there.
My trip to Peru was never to meet somebody and stay here for life, I packed a suitcase for 6 months fully expecting to return home at the end of it. But pressure from both my parents and my partner have frozen me into feeling like I have no option but to stay. I truly want an abortion, but I don't know how to tell my family after I had already told them the news. They are not legal in Peru but my mind is already back home continuing my life there. In Peru I have become depressed, I don't like to do anything and since finding out I'm pregnant the only time I feel OK is when I am asleep. As soon as I wake up I feel anxious and as if I am suffocating. I don't want to damage my partner through the experience of me leaving and having an abortion although I know it would be better for the both of us in the long term.
I want to run away but I feel trapped. I just wanted to speak on this forum and ask for advice, I have no female friends I feel close enough to discuss this with, only my mum who is telling me to stay here.
Please help