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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

13 weeks pg, happy but furious with my mum!

22 replies

HannahB1993 · 23/07/2018 10:45

Hi everyone

The title says it all!

I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins. I am very happy BUT today I am furious and I was yesterday. I can’t let this issue go and I really need help on how to let it go and also honest opinions if people think I am being too sensitive or am in the wrong. I guess my hormones are everywhere and I am sat here wondering if I am being unfair and hormonal.

We told my parents not to say anything unless they asked us first or we told other people first just for respect and our privacy. I thought this was understandable but it was not. My dad kept it to himself which I had no doubt about. My mum however, told a friend and lied to my face when I asked her if she’s told anyone. She admitted it yesterday at a family friends house.

Honestly, I am really hurt. She lied to my face. And went behind my back and told someone because she couldn’t keep it to herself. All for her selfish reasons because she was dying to tell someone. Was our family knowing not enough? My mum is a gossip and does like to make things about herself so it’s not really a surprise. I would normally be hurt and pissed off and then eventually get over it. BUT the way my parents were made me even more hurt. My mum got upset and annoyed and sulked for a while. She said that I should ‘think of her and how hard it has been for her’. That sentence is what really hurt me and upset me. She’s making it about HER. This isn’t about her. She’s had her moments of this, she’s been pregnant 4 times and should understand how I am feeling, but instead she is making it about her and how hard it was for HER and how SHE needed to tell someone. So she needed to tell someone to gossip. I know she’s proud and excited but FFS she should had waited, waiting to tell someone isn’t going to change anything and she can eventually talk about it, it’s not like she never will be able to!

My dad said I was being unfair and it’s been hard for her. I am just so hurt that my parents think I AM being unfair. We asked them to do a simple thing and we have been disrespected and then told I AM being unfair.

All I wanted is a bit of privacy and trust from my own mother but instead she’s told someone a secret for her own benefit. I feel like she’s being really selfish :(

I know I am probably going overboard, really st the end of the day it’s not the fact that she’s told someone (yes I am pissed off) but it’s more of the fact that I am being told I am being unfair for being upset and hurt because my own mother can’t keep our secret to herself. That’s why I am hurt. I feel like I am being told I am the one to blame when I actually haven’t done anything wrong, I’ve asked someone to keep a secret, they haven’t and twisted it around on me because I’m upset.

WTF?!

Am I being unfair? I feel like I want to cry. I feel like I’m being made to feel that I should be upset about this when I have every right to.

OP posts:

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aetw · 23/07/2018 10:56

It sounds like your mother has a hard time excepting your wishes and holding your boundaries clear. I would be upset too, but I also have a mother that can’t seem to respect my wishes either. I’m sorry to her that this has happened. Xx

Singlenotsingle · 23/07/2018 11:04

She's very excited, particularly as it's twins! She knows she's in the wrong for telling a friend but at the end of the day, what harm has it done? And it's not good for you and the babies to let yourself get too upset. Its not a case of being unfair. Take a deep breath and try not to over react. You're going to need her help and support in the coming months

Findingdotty · 23/07/2018 11:09

YABU. If you were 6 weeks or so maybe but not at 13 weeks. She was excited (and quite possibly nervous and worried for you too) and told a friend. It was a mistake as was the lie to you. It is disappointing and understandable that you were upset. But holding on to it as you are is unreasonable and possibly your hormones making you feel excessively upset about this.
Move forward now and enjoy your pregnancy.

Original poster

HannahB1993 · 23/07/2018 11:27

She told someone at 7 weeks but only told me yesterday 😫

OP posts:

Original poster

HannahB1993 · 23/07/2018 11:36

Oh how annoying I just wrote a reply and I think it got deleted!

My response was basically that yes I need to let it go. I mean she shouldn’t of told someone before 12 weeks, but unfortunately she did tell someone at 7 weeks when I had bleeding a week before so was very nervous (even though i has been to the hospital all was fine) and on edge I didn’t expect her to go and tell someone that quickly. Obviously, I won’t hold it against her. She’s my mum at the end of the day and has done a lot for me and has done her best to love me. But I definitely feel I have a right to feel upset but yes I will let it go for my sake and the babies sake 😊 thank you for your honest opinions x

OP posts:

Velvete · 23/07/2018 11:37

YANBU I understand how you feel. It's a difficult time when you're pregnant and not everyone feels like they want to shout it from the rooftops. On top of this your mum has broken your trust. Try not to let it eat away at you, use what you know now to manage what you tell her. I'd just stop telling her things.

Congratulations.

DobbyIsAGoodElf · 23/07/2018 11:43

I don't think yabu at all. It was your news and I too would be furious as the risks before 12 weeks are obviously there and you'd already had a bleed and had worries.

It's possibly not a popular opinion but I would, in future pregnancies, not tell her until a time when your comfortable with everyone knowing.

Actually we didn't tell our parents about all 3 of our pregnancies until after the scan as we knew certain people would be unable to keep it to themselves.

SpaceDinosaur · 23/07/2018 11:48

Just. Stop. Telling. Her. Things.

My mum's a terrible one for gossip too.

myotherbagisgucci · 23/07/2018 11:48

I think your overreacting. It sounds like she was just excited and although she shouldn't of said anything, it's not the end of the world.

Original poster

HannahB1993 · 23/07/2018 12:14

Ah thank goodness I am not the only one! I really value honesty, loyalty & respect so felt really hurt that I didnt get that. But yes, she is my mum I still love her - hence why I feel so hurt. But I am definitely going to be careful what i say i think :)

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

IncyWincyMouseRat · 23/07/2018 12:41

I think my parents had told half the village before I was even 12 weeks. I hadn’t specifically told them not to to be fair and we were pretty relaxed about it. They were just super excited!

Bowerbird5 · 23/07/2018 12:54

She shouldn't have told anyone. She had your dad to talk to about it and be excited with and you are not being unfair. I am probably a similar age to your mum and I would not have told a secret like that and for good reason you want to wait until you feel comfortable telling people.

If it is mentioned again I would look her straight in the eye and tell her. " Well I won't be telling you any more secrets ever." That should be enough. And keep to it.
I might be inclined not to tell her when you go into labour so that you can have a few hours with just the four of you.

BlueBug45 · 23/07/2018 13:08

As a PP said she has shown you who she is, now believe her.

Stop telling her things until you want the world to know.

If she then comes to you and tries to emotionally blackmail you about it, simply say you don't respect my boundaries therefore you will know things about me when I want everyone else to know.

bonzo77 · 23/07/2018 13:09

YANBU. had the same with my MIL. I then miscarried. She then did similar (I had to have DS3 early and we knew he’d be ill so didn’t want anyone knowing till the dust had settled. I didn’t want to tell her at all, but felt as we’d told my mum we ought to tell her too). It ended up causing big problems. So now she’s been told she’ll be the last to know any sensitive info. Her loss.

TryingToStayRational · 23/07/2018 13:46

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I sympathise as I had similar with my Mum and the baby’s gender. She is also a terrible gossip and hence I never normally tell her things, but I stupidly believed that this was a serious enough thing that she would keep her trap shut. She totally dropped me in it by telling the Mum of a friend of mine (who is also unable to keep anything to herself), so within 5 mins my friend not only knew the gender but also knew I’d lied to her when I’d said that we weren’t finding out (was trying to just keep it to v close family). My Mum did apologise but I know she doesn’t see it as a big thing, which is annoying.

It wasn’t right, and I think your Mum should have been more apologetic, but I think you need to let it go now because it has happened and you have said that you weren’t happy about it. You probably aren’t going to get her to change if she just doesn’t get boundaries like that. My mum doesn’t - she tells me all sorts of stuff about her friends and their kids and so on that I’m sure they wouldn’t want me to know, and even though I tell her off she never learns. Just don’t tell her anything else in future that you don’t mind the world knowing. This is the approach I have to take with my Mum, or I would go totally mad!

Wishing you all the very best with your twins!

Original poster

HannahB1993 · 23/07/2018 15:39

Thank you everyone. So kind of you all x

OP posts:

hardlyawake · 23/07/2018 15:45

We didn’t tell either set of parents until I was over 30 weeks pregnant for this very reason.

Don’t tell her anything else,she’s had her moment.

Lardmandododododo · 23/07/2018 15:54

You are literally describing my own Mum

Whenever she gets told off when she’s out of line she makes out as if she’s the victim. My dad has always enabled her behaviour so your not alone and you have reason to be upset.

If they can’t abide by your rules now how are they going to when the kids get here? I get she’s excited and all but she’s had her moment she should respect your wishes

surreygirl1987 · 23/07/2018 16:40

I'd have been really annoyed too so I don't think yabu. I guess it would make me think twice about entrusting her with private things like that in future. If I had any more children I might wait longer to tell her next time (actually didn't tell my parents until 16 weeks!).

However I can understand her being really excited and it's nice she's so happy and excited about it. Don't hold it against her.. just bear it in mind in future. The lying would annoy me more than the telling actually.

Congrats btw!

babybean19 · 29/07/2018 13:15

I've been having similar issues! I told my mum and told her we don't want people knowing, her reply 'you shouldn't have told me then' she went on to tell a work colleague I was pregnant and said she was coming to an appointment with me to get out of work early (there was no appointment) and to make it worse, I use to work at same place, so this colleague know me! Showed her my scan pics yesterday and she said to my step dad to get camera to take a picture of them, when I asked why she said so she can frame the scan! Didn't even ask if that was okay? When I said i wasn't okay with it my step dad turned it on me that she is excited and has waited a long time to be a nana! I feel for you as horrible when parents can't do as you wish and make you out to be the bad one...just keep everything else you want kept personal to yourself and if she questions your method explain why! I don't think you have been unreasonable at all...yes she is excited, but that is no excuse to go against your wish and then lie! Let it go now as I know how these things can eat away at you xx

hoping2018 · 29/07/2018 14:40

Mines an ivf pregnancy so it's been a long journey and parents and sibling have know form my bfp.

I'm now 13/40 but found out my mum and dad told people ages before 12 week scan and old people about ivf when I asked hen not to.

Am I annoyed - yes
Can I be angry - no, as she didn't do it to be malicious she did it because she was excited
Have I learnt my lesson - yes. Next time we'll use our Frosties and as much less invasive than a fresh round of ivf I'm hoping to tell no one and keep it a secret til I'm ready for all to know.
Has my mum learnt her lesson - probably not. But maybe will have done in the future if I don't tell her til 12 weeks! (Fingers crossed I'm lucky enough to have another!)

Life's too short to be angry but bear in mind what she did for future secrets etc

AnotherCrazyDaisy · 29/07/2018 14:58

You'll have to stop telling her. My Mum can't keep anything to herself. It's very sad not to be able to confide in her but it is the way it has to be. No matter how much I've pleaded with her she is incapable of keeping anything I tell her to herself.

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