Family making me feel like I should terminate..

[tryingtoliveagoodlife]

Hi all, long time lurker & first time poster..so please bare with :)
I more than anything need to get everything out, so this may be a bit of a long read, so I apologise in advance and some details may be vague due to fear of outing.
I have just turned 20 and have recently discovered that I am in the early stages of a pregnancy, and I absolutely could not be any happier, although I have no idea where to go from here. I have a partner, have been with since I was 16. I am happy, I would not say that we are the most stable of couples but nevertheless I know that he’d be an amazing dad. I currently live in a rented bungalow, and I rent from my stepfather. I have been told right from the start that when I am pg, that I have to leave immediately and that they will no longer support me in any way. I have a stable job luckily with good pay for my age and thankfully my maternity leave allows me to have 6 months full pay which I am ever so greatful for. My mother and the whole of my family absolutely despise DP, and if they were to find out they would never speak to me again. That for me is a problem, as I wholeheartedly love my family and my mother is absolutely amazing with everything apart from pregnancy, as she feels I would never be ready. My family would never look at me in the same way again and I cannot bare the thought of losing them. I cannot believe that I am at a point where I would consider termination due to this overwhealming feeling that I have and the fear of telling my family. I never would terminate, as I am so so so very happy and I’ve always imagined myself having a child younger as I’d love to be able to do all of the things in life that I want to do with my LO once they are at an appropriate age. I have also no idea what I’d do regarding my living situation as yes I’d have enough money to move out and private rent but then that’s where all of my money would go. DP earns and contributes consistently but he is left with debt after a scam two years ago (not his fault) and therefore money would be quite tight. I’m sorry if this is a little bit of a ramble, no idea what I’m actually asking, but it feels better just getting it of my chest!

Aww OP I just wanna give you a hug! No one should want to terminate a baby just because it's an inconvenience for everyone else. Only terminate if you want to! Please don’t be forced into it. Start looking for somewhere else to live and I hope it all works out!

I had my eldest aged 20, like you I was petrified of what my family would say, luckily DH family are lovely and very supportive. He is now nearly 9 years old! I couldn't imagine life without him, our family adore him and he is the sweetest child (we also have two more children now too and they are the terrors!! 😂) my dad didn't speak to me for 2 weeks after I told him, but he did come round in the end and now he is always taking the boys out and dotes on them! I know my family were disappointed when I told them but honestly they were so happy when he was born and now they say it was the making of me! I have recently just found out I am pregnant with our 4th and again was so worried about telling family but you can't let how others feel effect your decision, everyone always has an opinion but I can guarantee they will change it again!

I wish I had had a lot more confidence in my own abilities when I had my first because I was and am a good mum but I doubted myself a lot in those first few years and was very worried I was being judged by my age when in reality lots of my friends said they looked upto me family wise. I did loose two friends who thought I should abort and we never spoke again but it wasn't a big loss and those true friends stuck by me! I also made lots of lovely new friends through the children as well. Congratulations! And I would say tell your family sooner rather than later and get it out the way so you don't stress out! Xx

It's your body and your baby. I am sure, even if the initial reaction is negative, that when they have a grandchild, all will be forgiven and forgotten. I am sure they are doing the normal: we want you to be settled and grown up and loved and not at risk of 'messing everything up.' But it sounds like you might be there anyway...

I am sure what you imagine is far worse than reality once it has sunk in.

I had my first at your age, and had I listened to the worries of my family I would have felt the same as you. My first child is now at school and her Dad is still my husband.

I couldn’t face termination anyway, for moral and religious reasons but if you decide that’s the way, that’s your choice. However, don’t be afraid! It can work and become an amazing family unit. X

I also had my first at the same age as you, and kind of same position. My mum and dad were horrified to start off with and i got kicked out. I sorted myself out and got a plsce, and when the baby arrived everything changed. They both dote on her now. Think it changes when they actually see the child. As to money, please dont worry get yourself on entitled too and see if you can get any help x

“I am happy, I would not say that we are the most stable of couples but nevertheless I know that he’d be an amazing dad.”

What exactly do you mean by “not the most stable”?

Why don’t your family like him?

How does he treat you? Does he love, respect and support you - consistently? Do you trust him to put you and the baby first?

It’s your life and your choice, so if you want this man’s baby then you should of course go ahead regardless of what your family thinks. But if there are genuine reasons behind their concerns about him, perhaps you should think carefully. The first job of an “amazing Dad” is to treat the mother of his child well.

Is there a specific reason your family are so vehemently opposed to you being pregnant? Its strange that they would set such specific terms WRT you leaving the house etc after becoming pregnant. Have you told them you plan to have a baby with your DP? Or have you been pregnant before?

sickmumma - Thank you so much! Means the world to hear such a positive experience, you have made me feel so much better! xx
blackbirdbluebottle - Thank you so much! :)
physicskate - I understand that most parents that are like this do it because they are only looking out for the child, and I know of many individuals whom have gone through the same thing, although never to the extreme that my family are taking it. But I am crossing fingers that the reality is much better :)
LB1291 - It's so nice to hear of another positive story of a successful family unit, thank you so much! x
Htaylor182 - Again, thank you so much! Did you find that everything changed as soon as the baby arrived or did it take a short while to sink in? x
AnotherEmma - What I mean by not the most stable is as a couple that started out very young we have had our share of being "on and off". Although saying that we have been much more stable since moving in together two years ago, although the previous feeling of being the on off couple has made me feel like we are not as stable as I'd hope to be. My family did not like him from the off as he was three years older than me when we first got together. Since then they have just disapproved of him and nothing that he does is good enough for them ie his job, just because his job do not live up to their standards they think differently of him, it's so sad! One more reason I should really note is the fact that when we used to be the on-off couple I would always go to my mum heartbroken, and as any parent would she hated him for breaking my heart. That I understand. As I kept going back to him she then hated him even more as it made her feel as if he has a hold on me or something. There are some reasons as to why my family hate him that I completely understand/appreciate, but they have just not liked him from the off to begin with and now that he will not waste his breath saying hello only to be ignored they see red.
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale - I have honestly no idea, although it seems to be a pattern in the family. As soon as I started puberty my mum made it clear that once I am pg that I was to leave, and she has also said the same to both my younger sisters too. She is not a baby person at all, and I could be 35 and she would not approve as she would never see me as being able to cope as a mother, or any of the grandchildren in the family for that matters. Every time she sees a pg woman that seems to be quite young she can not keep her mouth shut and she HAS to say the words "she's ruined her life", she's so so so wrong. She does not approve of the smallest things such as me buying a £60 pair of trainers let alone a baby. I feel bound to her opinions. My happiness should be the only approval I need, although this does not seem to be the case and it never has been :(

That’s sad that she is just so horrified by the thought of babies. My mum drilled into from very young about teen pregnancy but it actually became a self fulfilling prophesy and I became a teen Mum. I keep it secret for 4 months until I couldn’t hide it anymore. She was upset and didn’t speak to me until I was almost due but then she suddenly came round and honestly she is the best granny ever. She loves my boys so much and was so proud the day my first was born she snatched him off me in the hospital and started showing him off to everyone! She has been so supportive ever since he was born.

I think your mum might soften a bit when there is a real baby to deal with. If she doesn’t, well that’s really sad but you can do it alone. Many women do.

One of my 'best friend's abandoned our 'friendship' because I didn't terminate my child. During pregnancy it was an awful, crazy time and I was really not knowing what to do for the best of the child. I kept the baby and now couldn't be happier!! Never been so happy!! My 'friend' can suck it. I now couldn't care less and even though she was a massive support I have built myself stronger without her. You have to live with the decision. Do not let anyone sway you. I dread my 'friend' letting my baby know that I considered termination when's she's older because that must be awful to hear even though the fact is that most people in my situation would've considered it. I regret trusting her with my doubts for the child's best interests.

@tryingtoliveagoodlife glad to hear my experience helped, honestly you sound like a lovely down to earth woman and I am sure you will do just fine however your parents react! At the end of the day it will be them missing out on their beautiful grandchild and when push comes to shove I don't think many grandparents would really stop contact and risk loosing their child and grandchild and if they did it makes you question what kind of parent they are.

I must admit becoming a parent myself has put some of my families poorer behaviour into perspective because no matter how my children live and grow they will always have my support through thick and thin even if I don't agree on the inside!

Is your other half happy? How do you think his family will react? Xx

I had my DS at Christmas and I am 20 years old 😊 I’m a single mum, my mum hadn’t even met my ex partner at the point I was pregnant as I fell pregnant so quickly. My mum and dad always seemed strict about babies when you’re married, and being in a stable relationship etc. But as soon a so told them they just told me they loved me and would support me. Now Nearly 7 months later I have a beautiful baby who I think the world of and who I believe saved me. And my mum and dad are the most wonderful grandparents. It does work out, please go with your own heart and not the intentions of anyone else. And look after yourself xxx

I'm in the exact same boat so fully understand how you feel.

With my partner of 5 years, also not the most stable and the whole family hates him.
Fell pregnant in Feb and was told by my mum that she'll have nothing to do with me or the baby if I keep it.
I 30 and own my own home, have a stable job that I've been in 5 years and earn a decent wage. DP works part-time but between us we have enough income to support our expanding family.
I already have a DS (not with current partner)

I felt so pressured to get rid of the baby that I booked myself in for a consultation at the abortion clinic. I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time and after speaking to my partner and the staff at the clinic, I decided to say F@*! you to my family and I've kept the baby. We're currently 26 weeks, having a boy and my family has finally come around to the idea of me having another one.

Don't get me wrong, it took a while for my mum and stepdad to calm down but we are all on the same page now. My mum also used to tell me that if I ever got pregnant she would take me to get an abortion (obv this was aimed when I was living with her)

I think your parents are clearly going to freak out and be pissed but it's really not their decision to make for you. I hope they see through their dislike of babies and realise that this is your choice, you're a young adult and can make life decisions on your own. Having a child doesn't end your life, it makes it better if having a family is what you want. Wishing you all the best and just remember to do what you feel is right, not what other people expect of you. xx

I was 17 when I got pregnant with DC1. Her dad didn't have much to do with me when he found out.
I use a wheelchair full time also.

Being a single mother was a terrifying thought, add to that I was barely an adult and my health issues make everything more difficult. It was a scary time.

My daughter is 10 this year and I have never for one millisecond regretted having her.
She was worth every self doubt. I took to motherhood like a duck to water and she is by far the best thing to ever happen to me.

Be brave, you'll be glad you were.

Also, it's unlawful for a landlord (family or not) to evict you because of a pregnancy.

To be fair it took a while, my mum was a bit distant till my lg was about 5 months old. My dad was the nost supportive. It hasnt been easy, but i had to do what was right for me and i wanted the baby everyone elses views /concerns i just had to put to one side. Do what you feel is right and what you want, sometimes there isnt a right time to have a baby. Wishing you all the best ♥