Advice please

[SunshinE201]

Hello Everyone,

Please can I have some advice please. This might turn into a bit of an essay so i'm really sorry in advance. This is my first post so i'm still working out how to use it...

I have just found out I am pregnant. I am 22, still a student at university and have only been with my boyfriend 3/4 months...

I guess the main bit of advice im looking for is whether or not you think I would be able to afford the baby or think that it is a good idea or not to have the baby. I have always wanted to be a mum but I am very consious I hardly know him and even though single mums do an amazing job i'm not sure i'm ready to be one.

My finances-

Car- £400
Rent- £500 (will have to go up if I have the baby an average 2 bed is £800+ in my area)
Food and other bills and going out- £200
part time job income- £1200/£1500 a month
((I do have an appointment with citizens advice but that isn't until Aug))

I guess my main concerns with him is that he has very little trust. He accused me of cheating last week and continually says the baby isn't his. Which is horrible to hear. He has been messed and cheated on in the past and so is a bit of a nightmare to live with. We tried for two weeks and I kicked him out after a week. He has been coming across very very needy to the point where I have received fb messages from his mum telling me to give him a hug or that we should have sex. In all honesty that is the last thing I want when I have just been sick or achey. We have both had very different childhoods... I went to boarding school and went on holidays and didn't ever want for anything he was the complete opposite. He was bought up very differently. His mum struggled for money and they often went without food. He is quite happy to do this again but I am not really. Im probably coming across really badly, I honestly don't mean to! Ive just always dreamed of buying little bits for a nursery, a new pram and car seat. not everything second hand which is what he is suggesting. To me it seems I am the only one thinking about money and he just wants a baby for the sake of it.

He also disclosed that he is still married to his ex... He's 23... He has only just said and doesn't want to get a divorce because of the money. Alarm bells are seriously ringing. He is also from another country... He came to the UK travelling and only has 1.5 years left because he is on a work visa. Im worried that if I have this child he will take it back home on holiday and never return. I would be devastated. Im not sure if he would be allowed too?

I guess Im asking what would you do? I have told my family and they have said they will back me 100% in whatever I chose but they're not sure he is the guy for me. He does pay for things and to be fair he did clean up the kitchen after I asked him too but i'm not sure I even want to be with him. We have been on two holidays and they where lovely its since we have gotten back.. I want to finish uni, that way ill be on a much better income and ill be able to give the kid whatever they would like and I would like some sort of career. (27/28k+) But he thinks I can still do full time uni, placement 9-5 and then work every evening. Not entirely sure when he thinks ill be seeing my kid.

If I have this child I will love it with all my heart but at the moment i'm panicking.

Please help xx

That's a lot to digest..

From the get go, I had to reread the part where his mother tells you to have sex with him, that's just weird! I'd tell her to keep out of it.

Ultimately it's your decision. It looks like your family are very supportive of you and that counts for so much!!

As for him taking your child out the country and not bringing it back I would ask what right he has to do this, when you speak to citizens advice (if you haven't made a decision by then) also he's married.. thanks for the head up mate?!

In my opinion, you're never ready for a child. You just get ready. You manage any way you have to. But if you're struggling with finances I would 100% sit down with parents or other family members and see what they think you could adjust money wise.

You don't need a two bed to be honest. Baby can share with you for atleast 12 months. So that could be an option.. give you chance to save etc.

I don't think this guy is for you, but that my opinion. He seems way too needy and emotionally taxing. You need support around you and positivity..not accusations and stress.

No matter what you do, do it for you it's your body and your life, regardless of if he's on the picture.

Best of luck

Honestly?

In your shoes I would terminate. You are very young, you will have many more chances, a baby will make completing your studies and getting an entry level job way more difficult, and, more importantly, your bf sounds volatile, controlling and dangerous. He sounds like a man you want out of your life ASAP but if you have his baby, you will never ever be rid of him, he has a weapon he can use against you, and you will have to send an innocent and defenceless child to him for contact. You being a single mother is the good outcome here.

I agree with Queen that he does not sound like someone you want in your life. If you do want to continue with the pregnancy then would moving back in with family and continuing your studies from there be an option?

I take it back. The best case outcome here is probably that he denies paternity and you roll with it - don't put him on the BC, don't claim for maintenance, and simply never see him again. But that means raising your child without any support whatsoever other than what your family could give you, and unless you are very sure you want the baby or that you can't have a termination I would think very hard about that future.

Tell him you’ve had a termination and run like the wind.

With regards to money you will get tax credits and housing benefit and you can finish uni (they pay for 75% of your fees) and you’ll get parent allowance and lots of other stuff.

I had a baby and did a degree and I think it’s the only time I’ve actually be financially sound. So don’t worry about money it’s very doable.

The worry is this man.

You need to get him out of your life and sharpish.

Never get the baby a passport. Never put him on the birth certificate.

Sorry I meant to say they pay 75% of childcare fees

I would terminate. Too many babies are born into worlds that are not what they should be. The fact he is already accusing you of cheating either means he has massive issues, or he's cheating himself.

Both situations are bad for a child. Children should have the best possible chance of having a loving mum AND dad. You don't want to have to struggle. Focus on your studies and you will have plenty of time to meet someone who adores you and who you want to bring up a child with.

I think far too many people think it's no big deal to have and raise a baby on your own.

Too many babies are born into worlds that are not what they should be.

What the actual fuck?! Could your post be any more offensive?!

Both situations are bad for a child

Are you fucking kidding me? How many people are you trying to offend with your judgemental arsehole comments?

A mother in higher education is a bad situation? I’d say that’s a bloody good situation, a mother with high hopes, a future and prospects.

You have also massively insulted single mothers by saying that the child must have a mum and a dad.
So children in single parent families have been let down? Aren’t as good as those in two parent families?

Seriously. Fuck you.

Yeah in my opinion, an ideal situation is a loving mum and dad. You can't deny that.

I at no point said a single mum can't raise a child well. If that's a situation that arises then they make the most of it, and most do an amazing job.

I'm just saying there are multiple points to look at here. And the fact OP has only been with this guy 3/4 months is something to consider. If she can wait and find someone who truly loves her and wants to raise a child together, surely that is a better situation?

I'm sorry to say I generally agree with the people here. It is very possible he could try to use this baby to stay in the UK and that would be incredibly stressful for you.

He sounds like he has serious issues and I don't think I would want that in my life forever in some capacity. He's already married and accusing you of cheating? Honestly, he is not a winner. He makes you stressed and insecure.

But it is your baby and your body. If you have the support there and really want THIS baby (not just a baby in the abstract sense), then it is your decision and yours alone. I don't envy you in that decision...

To be clear I'm pro choice but I'm quite alarmed at the number of people advising you to terminate after reading a few paragraphs about you. You sound like you would be a loving Mother and your anxieties show you have your head screwed on and are thinking about the right things. Your family soubd fab too and I think are most likely better placed to help you make a decision than strangers. If you do decide to keep the baby put the baby and you first. Best of luck with this tough decision. X

Totally agree CrabbyPatty.

Don’t listen to the judgemental idiots on here. If everyone went byChillys ‘advise’
75% of the population wouldn’t exist.

Thankfully we have a far more accepting world than the one in their little head.

@JustVent she's asking for opinions so I'm giving one. It's just something to think about.

There are plenty of other PP on here suggesting termination.

It's funny how it's fine for one side to give their opinion but the other side can't.

Actually she asked for advice. The clue is in the title.

She didn’t ask for judgement. Only you did that.

Hello everybody, I apologise for not replying sooner. I have been at work this afternoon and have only just finished.

Firstly I would like to say thank you so much for all the replies! It's really kind of you all to take time out of your day to help me! I really appreciate it! I hope I have replied to you all! If not I'm really sorry!

@Hjkillas you are very right! His mum seems to be a right pain! She sent me another message earlier saying he is feeling depressed because I told him I need space... tempted to reply back going yes because he is being a nightmare but better not haha! You are very right I have the most amazing family. Even though they weren't best pleased they will always be there for me which is an amazing support network for me. I never thought of that, thank you! I might be able to find somewhere. Unfortunately Oxfordshire is so expensive so trying to find something affordable is a nightmare. To be honest everything you have said is what I have been thinking. It's been a very draining couple of weeks... he kicked off last week because I didn't want to drive him to work then pick him up late at night (11pm) so he could have a drink with his mates after and he never came out on time. I do feel that I'm being used. Thank you so much for your advice xx

@QueenAravisOfArchenland Thank you for your advice. I never really imagined myself ever getting in this position. I was on the pill and didn't miss the day so I was one of the unlucky few who get pregnant on it. That is exactly how I am feeling. I said that to my mum, I would be much happier raising the baby alone but because he wants to be involved it's making it much more challenging. Can I get away with not putting him on the bc? I don't want it to come back and bite me if he takes me to court. Thank you for your comment xx

@TroubledLichen Unfortunately moving back home isn't really an option. My dad is terminally ill so I think it may be too much for my poor mum and dad to handle. They only live an hour and a half away so they're not too far away if I need support and mum has said she would happily come up and babysit for a few days if needed. Thank you for your comment xx

@JustVent Your suggestion sounds ideal!! It sounds like everyone is thinking what I've been thinking just not done... I need to get rid of him! I didn't realise how much support and benefits thank you! I will look into this further and give student finance a ring. Thank you! xx

@chilly32045 Thank you for your comment. I can understand where you are coming from. It's just very hard because I had an early scan and saw it's little heart beating but I know that I have to do what's best for the kid and me at the end of the day. My main concern is what is best for the best of us I am struggling now so I can only imagine what it would be like with a kid in tow. Thank you xx

@physicskate that has crossed my mind what his motive is. He for some reason is desperate for this baby but when I ask why he doesn't say so I have this feeling he is hiding something. And deep down I don't feel like I can trust him. Exactly!! Apparently the re not together but I have no way of checking... supposedly the marriage broke up after just 10 months and it was because she had severe mental health issues. Thank you, I have always been a mum but I can't help but think I didn't dream of it being like this. Thank you xx

@CrabbyPatty Thank you! My family are incredibly! I am very lucky to have such a supportive network. I will always put the baby that was my first thought of making sure I can provide and give it the best life possible because at the end of the day it didn't ask to be bought into this situation xx

Thank you again everyone for your comments! It's going to be one very stressful week. I need to decide sooner rather than later I really appreciate all the comments though. I think one bit of advice that you have all said it I need to get rid of my bf and to be honest you have all said exactly how I have been feeling so I have already sent him a message saying me need to talk and will arrange to meet him in a public place. Hope you all have a lovely evening xxx

((Sorry for the essay! Got a little carried away aha))

Lots of luck with whatever you decide to do OP

Best of luck. X

The best of luck with whatever you decide.

I know you all probably think we're being overdramatic about your BF, but your post is festooned with danger signs to my eyes. I think he could be a very toxic man indeed, and tying yourself permanently to a man like that via a baby is a really big thing.

You won't get into any trouble not putting him on the birth cert, in fact since you're not married he can't go on the birth cert unless he goes with you to register the birth. But if (for insurance) you told him you terminated/miscarried and he ever found out you didn't, he could take you to court to get himself put on the BC and given parental responsibility.

It is your decision and your body and life, there is no "wrong". Bpas and Marie Stopes offer counselling, so if you are even slightly considering termination you have the option to book an initial appointment with them and get some counselling. You can cancel at any time if you decide you definitely want the pregnancy.