Worried about DP and DS

[ThorsMistress]

Currently 30+2 with DC2.

I have a DS (6) from a previous relationship. DP absolutely adores him and treats him as his own. He buys him stuff, looks after him whilst I’m at work etc in other words I can’t fault him.

DC2 is DPs first child. He’s very excited obviously as it’s his own flesh and blood.

The maintenance I get from DSs dad goes into savings for DS and I don’t touch it. I don’t need too. He’s only recently started paying it and I’ve gone this far without it. DP has now said it’s not fair on DC2 as they won’t have the same savings as DS has. I do get his point but at the same time it’s completely different.

Anyway back to my question. Has anyone had another DC with their current partner and seen their attitude to their step DC change? I felt a lot of resentment towards DS whilst we were discussing his savings, and now I’m worried he’s going to be dropped as DP will have his ‘own’ DC.

It was only ever me and DS for the first 3 years and we went through a lot together so I’m probably waaaay to over protective.

Wow! Sorry I went off on a tangent then so we’ll done if you got this far! And I’m sorry that it’s rambly!

You won't know until the child is here.
Definitely discuss it with him, don't let things escalate or allow your son to feel neglected before you say something.
Mention the shift you have noticed in his attitude and watch his behavior.
I hope it is nothing. Good luck and you are not over protective BTW.

I don’t think you’ll know until DC2 arrives.

DS’s savings pot is currently paid into by his dad, technically, is that correct? If so, you could remind DP of that and suggest that he could do the same for DC2 if he wants to be fair.

Hope everything works out for you x

Sounds like there’s a good bond between your DS and DP. With regards to the savings, I think I’d use the money from DS dad for his maintenance and save an equal amount for each child from your own money. I can see why it would seem unfair to your DP that your unable to save equal amounts for both children because you want to keep DS money separate.

I do kind of get his point with the savings as with your youngest/expected child I’m guessing you’ll be paying equally so he wouldn’t be able to provide money just for his savings while you pay for everything else for him as is the case for your oldest, whereas if you used some of the maintenance money for your current child’s needs you would then have spare money to put into your youngests savings?
I don’t think that conversation means a shift in how he feels about your son; when I had my DD it didn’t effect how I felt about my DSD or how I treated her.

Maybe I read that wrongly. If DS dad is putting money into a saving account for him, then that shouldn’t change anything- your DP should do the same for your new baby if he wants. If it’s for his daily living costs, then I think yourself & DP should have equal savings for both children.

DS gets £100 each month from his dad. DP thinks I shouldn’t be saving it all and using half of it towards bills as that’s how he sees maintenance. This I kind of get. What makes me upset is that he sees it as DS gets all this money and DC2 won’t get any.

We’re not wealthy by a long shot but the bills get paid leaving us with a small amount. We wouldn’t have enough to save £100 a month for DC2 which I do get also but I feel like it’s not DSs fault that his dad pays this money and I’m able to save it for him.

DP can pay £100 into an account for DC2 then

Sounds like there are deeper issues going on. Definitely worth a proper in depth conversation about how you both see the finances working. Or else you are just storing up trouble for the future, you need to get on the same page asap.

Half of DSs maintenance money would really come in handy and would mean we could potentially have an account for DC2 also.

I just feel so upset by it all and feel like I’m stealing from DS. He’s my world and I hate this feeling

I agree with your dp, it is maintenance, so should go into the family pot. If it was savings over and above maintenance, and organised by birth dad seperately, that would be different.

Dc 2 will have a df full time.
That's priceless if he is a good one!!
Tell dp to open an account for his dc!!
Then both df's have done the same for their dc.

I think I agree with the majority, ds dad is paying maintenance, which is for his housing, food and clothing etc so I would put it towards that, if that leaves you as a family better off per month then you should split it between your children if you plan on saving it. I agree it will be unfair for ds to get a lump some as he gets older that dc2.

Would be entirely different if ds dad paid maintenance then gave a little extra for saving, the extra for saving would be his but as it goes £100 isn't much at all for his keep

I agree he has a point. Maintenance is maintenance and not really about saving for a child. I think the fairest thing is for the maintenance to go into the family pot and you to decide together how much you can afford to save for DCs and split it between them. I'm not sure these issues are all your DPs, it sounds like you might need a chat about your insecurities about how the relationships may change when new baby arrives. Not criticising, of course you are protective, but these difficult feelings need to be aired openly on both sides.