What would you do? When to tell children.

[Picklesandpies]

Just wondered whether I could get some opinions please as I'm at a loss!

I'm 10+2 after a miscarriage in April. I had a scan yesterday and all was well - I also had the Panorama test, which they say will come back within two working weeks.

Next Thursday we go abroad to visit my husband's family. I will turn 12 weeks while we are there, all being well but I won't have had my 12 week scan and may or may not have had the NIPT results back.

We would obviously like to share our news with dh's family while we are there (we only see them once, maybe twice a year.) However, I'd like to tell our children before we tell dh's family as my parents (who we are very close to) would love to be there when we do. However, ideally, I'd also love to have had the 12 week scan and the NIPT results back before we tell our dc or dh's family (especially our dc as they would be devastated if things didn't turn out well after either of those.)

I'm also suffering from morning sickness so I feel I'm either going to have to tell dh's family or seem really rude when I don't join them for some trips out, dinner etc The cuisine is not something I could stomach right now (not very much is). We also, can't tell dh's family and not our dc as they are likely to let it slip (and I doubt the opportunity would come up where we would be on our own with them.)

Just not sure what to do. Sorry if this seems really trivial.

Congratulations! If it's helpful to you, I was in a similar position recently. I decided to wait until 16 weeks to tell anyone (apart from my parents as I knew they would keep the secret and much more likely to notice I wasn't well as they live locally). I just couldn't face putting my children through the miscarriage scenario. We visited husband's country and I probably seemed a little rude and out of sorts, but they understood later when husband told them over the phone. 16 weeks is probably a long time to keep quiet, but actually pleased that I did. Could you claim not to be feeling well in terms of food/ trips? Not exactly a lie...

I don't think it's trivial, it's something we all think about. Sorry you experienced a miscarriage. I've had 3 and fully understand how heartbreaking it is

There's nothing wrong with telling before 12 weeks but I would restrict this to adults. We waited until 16 weeks to tell DD. If god forbid something did god wrong, you may want other adults to know and be able to support you. Children will not understand however and I think you should wait a little longer to tell them. Of course things can go wrong after 12 weeks but the risk is significantly reduced.

All the best with your pregnancy and many congratulations

How old are the children?

If they are young or immature for their age then you may as well leave it until 20 weeks after your anormaly scan as they don't understand that a baby that is their brother/sister is inside you and they don't have a proper concept of time. Remember 6-7 months is a life time away if you are a small child. Make sure you make it very clear to any adults that guess/know that you are pregnant that the child doesn't understand about pregnancy and time periods.

If they are older jurnior school age and mature, or teenagers than after your 12 week scan would be fine. If you do miscarriage you will have to tell them though.

I waited until nuchal fold results were back before telling my DC. We had two MMC last year at 11 and 12 weeks, and I am so glad they had no idea and were sheltered from that. Told them at about 14 weeks.

Thank you so much for the replies. I think it's definitely made me realise that telling them before 12 week scan is a no no. Dc are nearly 11 and nearly 8.

I guess this will rule out telling dh's family too? We are seeing his brother and his wife, plus their little boy and then dh's parents. Could potentially just tell his brother and his wife but I'd still be worried about them letting it slip.

@Mousefunky and @SaffronSands I'm sorry for your losses. It truly is an awful experience and makes everything feel rather tenuous in subsequent pregnancies, for me at least.

@mamacheeks really interesting to read about your similar experience. I think I will do the same. It's a real shame it hasn't worked out timing wise with the 12 week scan but it is what it is I suppose.

Are you sure they'd let it slip? Most adults, if told how important it is to them that it doesn't get out, are capable of keeping a secret! (Not all however so I understand your worry).

Pregnancy after miscarriage is hard. I have found however that you appreciate the milestones of pregnancy in a different way. Loss does that to you. It's tough but it makes you much stronger and more appreciative

OP traditionally couples never told others they were pregnant except for other women in the family who were known to be able to keep it quiet until after the 12 week scan. This is because most miscarriages happened before then.

I would tell family but ask them to not mention it to kids. If you only see them occasionally the chances of them letting it slip are minimal anyway?
I'm not keen on waiting for the 12 week scan to tell other adults. I worry it perpetuates the sense of miscarriages being something to keep hidden. As a sufferer myself I'm a huge advocate for talking about it and normalising it. But then again you can only do what you're comfortable with.
Ultimately though I'm sure the family could keep it to themselves and maybe you should wait and see what feels right?

@SaffronSands Dh's parents are not in the best of health - his Dad can be very grumpy and drinks too much - which may not be conducive to keeping a secret. His Mum has MS and the beginnings of dementia so again, through no fault of her own, may not be the best as keeping it quiet. It's a shame as before she was ill she was a health visitor and would have been lovely to talk to. I'd love to tell her especially as I know she'd be delighted for us. There's also the language barrier - conversations tend to be staccato and I'd be worried that it may not even be totally understood how important it is not to say anything.

@BlueBug45 Yes, we have only told my parents and three of my closest friends plus two people who needed to know for practical reasons. If something went wrong then my friends and my parents would support me so I'm fine with them knowing now. I'm not sure whether it will cause a rift with dh when I say I don't think we should tell them though as when I discussed this before his answer was 'well we have told your friends and we don't know things are going to work out now.' He is right in a way, however it would be so hard to hide it from my friends as I see them nearly every day and the same with my parents.

@duplodancer Maybe best thing is to discuss thoughts with dh and adopt a wait and see attitude while we are away.

Other complication is my dsil would have desperately loved another baby but she is now 47 and the child they have has huge issues and has been in a psychiatric hospital recently - he's 8.

Sent too soon.

Don't want to hurt her or ruin her holiday so maybe it's best to tell them over the phone afterwards anyway.