Finding out the sex dilemma

[hoppyfarmer]

Hi ladies,
I have a daughter who is almost 4. I also had a son who was stillborn at 37 weeks 2 years ago and I miscarried a boy at 15 weeks last year.
Stillbirth is probably because of a knot in baby's cord and miscarriage is probably because of large nuchal fold/chromosome problem. I have been tested for everything under the sun including gestational lupus and everything has come back normal so hospital do not think I have any issue carrying boys.
I am due at hospital on Tuesday for a 16 week scan with current pregnancy. My husband is desperate to know the sex of the baby because he really wants a boy and would like to know ASAP if it's not a boy so he can get his head round it. Losing our son had a big impact on both of us but the fact he was a boy really hurt my husband in particular.
I would rather not find out the sex as if it's a boy I will worry more, despite there apparently being no issue with carrying boys, and I just think that if we wait until baby is born any disappointment that it's a girl will soon be forgotten when we realise there's a healthy, alive 10 fingers and 10 toes in front of us.
Anyone have any advice please? I can't see how my husband could know and me not. I'm almost more anxious about the sex of the baby than whether or not it's going to be born safely.
I have a SANDS counsellor and I have aired this to him too but he's a bloke and a woman's perspective would be appreciated.
Thank you x

I can only begin to imagine your levels of anxiety. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sons. I think it’s really important that you have as relaxed pregnancy as you are able to and so if knowing this little one is a boy would add to that, I say don’t find out. I see your husbands reasoning But I think your mental well-being is more important here. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I really hope all goes well.

I'm so very sorry for your losses.

Personally I think it sounds like not finding out would be the best option for your mental state right now, and I personally think that should trump the chance that your DH might have gender disappointment (which I appreciate is a real thing). I also agree with you; I think when a baby is placed into his arms he won't be disappointed, rather overcome with love, whatever the sex may be.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy OP.

I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I'm truly sorry for what you went through I really am. Im don't usually think this but I think in your case and previous circumstances Its more that fair to take the my uterus my decision approach, you are carrying babe and if finding out could cause anxiety then that's not looking after mum, not knowing the sex won't change anything we've never found out and that moment when you get to look yourself is magic, xxx

Firstly I am so so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard things have been for you. I can totally understand why you might not want to find out. I think even if they've told you medically shouldn't have an issue carrying boys if you have that seed of worry in your mind it might be best not to find out, otherwise it may stress you out and cause you more concern.

If your OH is desperate to find out, could the sonographer tell him but not you? Or do you think that would be too difficult / tempting for you to know as well ?

Im sure he will understand if you decide not to know, it seems to me that you not knowing would be better for your wellbeing.

I don't think only one of you should know... it would not help matters to have that sort of distance from each other that s secret can bring.
I would never normally say this but I really do think you need to put your own needs first here. If it will cause you stress to know it's a boy, it's not worth it. I can understand from your husband's point of view but gender disappointment is a different issue and one which, although can be very emotional, will not have the same impact. Have a good honest talk (maybe even join counselling?) and hopefully he will understand. I am so so sorry for what you have gone through.

Thank you ladies. I did wonder if maybe our consultant would write it down so we could find out at home. I have the same consultant who happened to be on duty when I went in because our son had stopped moving and with every scan I just expect him to say "I'm sorry it's not good news" again - although he hasn't so far. He has said lots of positive things like "this all looks good". I just don't think I want to be in a hospital room and have him blurt out that it's a girl/boy. He's the best of the best but has very little bedside manner.
My husband and I are incredibly close and after talking last night he understands why I might not be able to find out what the sex is. He said he'd rather wait if it'll keep me more relaxed.
Even if we don't find out on Tuesday I'll be in every week from 24 weeks so there'll be plenty more chances to find out - or to look away!

We went for the scan this morning and all is well so far. We asked the consultant not to tell us the sex but seeing as I have googled "sex of baby 16 week scan" about 50 times in the last week I am almost certain we are expecting a baby boy. I don't feel as terrified at that thought as I expected to. I won't go painting anything blue yet though. We will wait until baby is born!