Feeling really awkward, an awful situation

[CathyandHeathcliff]

So I’m 26 weeks on Saturday.

We just found out a couple of days ago that my DP’s father may have prostate cancer. He had a radioactive bone scan yesterday to check if it’s spread into his bones/rest of his body. I don’t even know if they’ve confirmed the prostate cancer yet either.

Obviously my DP is extremely upset and doesn’t seem himself at the moment at all.

I just feel really awkward about this new baby arriving in October. If his Dad is very ill by then, it’ll be such a time of mixed emotions and I don’t know how my partner will be, as he already suffers with depression and has a history of it.
I hope he’s Dad is going to be fine, but obviously no one can predict that...I don’t know how to ‘be’ around them, should I talk about the baby or shall I not mention it? And I don’t know how DP is going to be.

Can anyone advise? Or give me their experiences if (hopefully not) they’ve been through similar.

I’m so sorry to hear about your fil. All I can say is that the baby will be an enormous source of happiness and excitement which will hopefully help to distract from your father in laws Illness. Hopefully, it will bring some joy at a difficult time.

Cancer doesn’t need to mean a death sentence. Even if your father in law does have it prostrate cancer can be treated and removed - my uncle got rid of it in 6 months. Removed the prostrate and gave him some radiotherapy to make sure.

How does your husband treat his depression? Does he take meds or go to therapy? If he is showing signs of a relapse maybe it’s time to send him to see the gp just in case. You and his father need him right now so he needs to recognise if he is at risk.

I would try to remain calm until you know the prognosis. Prostate cancer is one of the easiest ones to treat and there are various options. My dad was diagnosed earlier in the year and had all the tests to see if it had spread. Fortunately it hadn’t. He then had an operation to treat it. I forget the name but involves radioactive ‘seeds’ being inserted which should zap the cancer cells. He has had minimal side effects and will soon be at the stage to test to see how effective it’s been.
I completely panicked and felt dreadful when we found out but to date everything is ok. Fingers crossed that will continue.
Try not to see it as if the whole world will come crashing down. He may not have it and if he does you will hopefully find the treatment is easier than you think.
It’s important to not let it effect you and your pregnancy.
Good luck

I wouldn't worry too much just yet. Prostate cancer can often be so slow growing that the person can have it for years and years and when they do pass away it can be due to something else rather than the cancer. Obviously I don't know your father in law's specific case but I am a healthcare professional and there are so many older men that I work with (for other reasons) who have had prostate cancer for many years.

The baby will be something lovely for him and the family to focus on anyway!

Yes, my grandad had prostate cancer for years and years and died of something completely unrelated. It's by no means a death sentence, so I would just wait to see what the prognosis is.

My mil sadly passed away during my pregnancy and poor dh was only 26 :( but having a baby was such a blessing for us at this difficult time and honestly helped us to carry on.
And as pp said prostate cancer is very much treatable so there's hope he will make a full recovery. Big hugs and please look after yourself as well as staying strong for your oh

I lost my DM early this year. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I dreaded telling my DF as I was worried he would be thinking 'how could you even think about having sex after what we've been through'. If he did think that, he certainly didn't say it and it does appear to have offered some happiness at a very tough time for us all. For me, it has been hard going through my pregnancy and knowing how my mum would have loved so much for another grandchild but mostly it's been a wonderful distraction.

I'm so sorry, however I'm another who's father had prostate cancer and is doing absolutely fine now. It's certainly not a death sentence.

He was diagnosed about 6 years ago and is fighting fit now.

Congratulations on your baby, I'm sure it'll be a source of joy and a welcome distraction.

My FIL had prostate cancer last year and he had the seed therapy treatment. He’s since been given the all clear with just some regular checks.

When he was getting treatment he was very much himself personality wise even if he had some physical symptoms to deal with e.g. having to be near a toilet. Honestly, if they hadn’t have told us what was going on, I really don’t think we would have known anything was wrong with his health.

I took my lead from MIL and my siblings in law who still lived at home. He was keen for everything to carry on as normal. I’d be guided by how your in laws act. If they’re chatting normally and bring up the baby, I’d do the same. They might be greatful for the happy distraction. If they’re more quiet and withdrawn you may be best treading lightly for a few weeks.

The news is still really fresh for everyone and if they’re still testing, discussing treatment/waiting for Dr advice everyone might be a bit on edge.

With DP all you can do is let him talk about it when he needs to, try to help him think positively and give him a shoulder to cry on. Easier said than done but try not to worry about the worst case scenarios. As others have said, if it is his prostate, that’s really easily treatable and the prognosis is generally really good.

Make sure you take care of yourself too. It won’t do the family any good if you let your health slide by trying to help everyone else. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you’re FIL recovers quickly.

We were in your shoes last summer, down to the October due date. FIL died 3 weeks after diagnosis (with lung cancer).
It was sad he didn't get to meet our dd. I was glad we had found out the sex and chosen the name, and had very good 3D scan pics, so that he knew as much about he as possible.
We didn't want to be going on about the pregnancy ourselves during the time at the hospital and the funeral, but relatives seemed to want to talk about it, probably as it was a nice optimistic topic.
My SIL has said repeatedly that our DD got her through the last 12 months.

I know what you're going through My til was diagnosed with cancer when I was 5 months pg with dc1. Unfortunately his disease was very advanced and he passed away shortly after, a few months before dc was born. Also at the time we fou d out I was pg with dc2, dh was diagnosed with cancer. He was ill for just over a year before he died, so at least got to spend some time with dc2.

As pp have said, prostate cancer is treatable, and people can live with it for a long time. But I know this is a really stressful time, and am thinking of youand yours OP