Hi all,
Desperate for some advice please. I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for approximately 3 years (he’s 34, I’m 33). We’ve had a lot of ups and downs during that time, split up a couple of times but can never seem to let each other go completely. He originally moved in with me but for the past year and a half he’s been living at his mums whilst we take our time. Over the past year we’ve been a lot better and more settled and we’ve both felt like he’d probably move back in soon. I realised that we never had nice future-thinking conversations and so brought up the topic of the future and what that could hold for us. It became apparent that he doesn’t believe in marriage though he’s always known this is something I really want. We ended up in a bit of a stalemate situation and for the past two months we’ve slowly went downhill, as I start to pull away from him – he doesn’t give me any confidence he sees a long term future with me and he’s terrible with his words and communication so can never give me the reassurance I need. He’s always wanted to be a dad, but refers to this somewhat singularly – i.e. not that he wants a family with me, just he wants to be a dad. I come from a great upbringing and my parents are brilliant together – I certainly want to give that family security to my children one day. We are going on holiday next week so we seemed to had got to an unspoken agreement that we’d go and enjoy the holiday but it was likely we would split up after coming back as we want different things.
Anyway, yes you guessed it a couple of days ago I found out I’m 4 weeks pregnant, which was totally unplanned. He’s been great, very supportive and seems to have stepped up and made more of an effort with me and us. It’s becoming apparent that he wants to keep the baby whereas I’m a lot more hesitant as I have no long term security in us and he’s basically told me he can’t give me what I want. I feel like he wants the baby more than he actually wants me, and the way he’s talking is with little confidence in us working out long term.. but he’s ‘willing to give it a go’. It doesn’t feel right having a baby in an insecure situation – it’s not fair on the child.
I’ve also just accepted a new senior job in a new organisation which I’ll be 3 months gone when I start the new role – what a terrible way to start a new job! I’d be so embarrassed and nervous telling my new manager.
I feel really down and am struggling to make a decision. In one hand, I’d love to have a family but I’m gutted the way this has happened – right at a time when the relationship was just about to end. I’ve convinced myself that in itself is a really bad sign and therefore we wouldn’t be fair keeping the baby if we aren’t confident we can give it the security and brilliant upbringing it deserves. I’m petrified I’d end up being a single mother and also worried about the impact this could have on my career. I’m also worried that this could be my only opportunity at having the family life I want.. I’m not getting any younger. I also sometimes think that having a baby together is just what we needed, it could bring us closer, make him mature and (despite not getting married) be the security I need.
I appreciate no one can tell me what the right thing is to do, but I’d appreciate hearing anyone’s thoughts!
Thank you so much!