Overbearing in laws

[lauraw95]

I'm very early in my pregnancy (8 weeks) we told our parents asap just because we'd like support if the worst was to come. Instantly my ILs have become overbearing. One is already redecorating their spare room to a crib so they can have the baby over night, the other is spending a fortune on baby stuff we never even asked for. I really don't want to sound u grateful but I'm very independent and I feel it's a personal experience for my and partner to look for baby things, without being pressured constantly and being told we shouldn't get this or that. We already have them begging to come in the labour room no matter how many times I say no they don't stop.

Am I being unreasonable? :/

Nope.

Send them a text or email saying back of or we won’t see you. You can be involved but on our terms. If you push our boundaries there is no Place for you in our child’s life. Lay the law down now because mumsnet is littered with the bodies of those who didn’t put their foot down and say no.

They are just excited, but you do need to set the boundries early on, you don’t want them ruling your entire pregnancy and making you stressed the entire time. Tell them absolutely no one at the hospital until you say so (chances are your hospital will have set visiting hours anyway so they can’t just turn up) or alternatively you could just not tell them when you go into labour!

Tell them there are special things YOU want to buy for YOUR baby but you are waiting until you are further along to do so. Maybe suggest they help out with buying things that you have chosen? My DH and I let parents come and visit at the hospital after she was born but then said no visitors once we were home for a week, we wanted to bond as a family of 3 and establish breastfeeding.

Your DH needs to be strong here and set the boundries to take the stress away from you.

If you generally have a good relationship with them, then tell them nicely, just once, that it is your baby, and you want to be the one to buy things that are to your taste after you have done some research.

I would also mention that you probably won't be letting baby stay over night with anyone for a long time, so it's best that they return the crib, as baby won't be doing overnights when they are still young enough to need one.

If the are overbearing in general, or your relationship isn't that great to start with, then you need to be much more firm with them.

Older people who haven't been around babies for a long time are generally not up to date with current safety regulations, so their choices for baby things may not be appropriate anyway (cot bumpers etc).

Put your foot down now.

We told all the parents in no uncertain terms that nothing was to be bought until after the 20week scan. I'm a very positive person but until we knew everything was as ok as could be it wasn't worth it. Maybe go about it this was rather than just sounding like you don't want the stuff. With my own mum my husband got a bit overwhelmed with the amount she was buying so I had a private word and said thank you very much but for now I think we have everything we need. If you would like to buy more are we ok to suggest things we are missing off our list? That way she could still buy but was a bit more focused. It hasn't stopped her completely but has a least curbed it a bit!

It’s very hard. I think your oh needs to take care of this. They are his parents so it is better that he takes the load off you, especially at this early stage which is stressful enough! Far too early to be redecorating the spare room and inappropriate.

I agree with the poster above who says you need to set boundaries now. I’m very independent too and others interest in my pregnancy can be a bit suffocating - as well intentioned as it is.

Oh thank God OP, it's not just me! You are not alone. Some GPs seem to think it's on par with being a parent all over again. They keep asking when they can announce on FB as if it's their news! And telling me how they are going to spoil it because that's what GPs are for. (It's not funny or cute because they've ruined their other G.C by doing this). Even when I try and say anything lighthearted about boundaries my MIL just winks at me (which i find cringy) and says something like "oh i can't help it) They're loving and generous and as you say you don't want to seem ungrateful, but they take things too blooming far. They can say what they want at the end of the day, but when this baby is born, i'm it's mum and what I say blooming well goes.

My mum can be a bit pushy, but her current focus is on us not wasting money on things we don't use, so she's just sending me loads of links to nearly new sales. The only grandparent going overboard about our impending arrival is my MiL, who appears determined that the baby will have a jumper for every day of the year. I can live with that!

When people have asked about stuff, I've just said that we're looking forward to picking things ourselves, but we'll let them know if there's anything we need.

What a nightmare. Can you redirect their energy elsewhere? A savings account instead of buying stuff? Maybe talk about “when baby is 1 we could go to the zoo together, or beach etc etc”. Until then it’ll be great to have their help but what you’ll need is small relief doses for an hour or two not a whole day of babysitting.

If you are planning to BF that might help level their expectations, as you’ll need to be with baby pretty much 24/7 for the first few months anyway.

I think your DH needs to have a quiet word with them! A crib for overnight stays is quite presumptuous. But it's fairly harmless to buy things for you, and it shows they want to be involved. You may be very glad to have a willing baby sitter in a couple of years! Firm but calm is the best way to approach these things, and always better if each person handles their own parents.

Remember, stuff is just stuff, you're going to be the one with a delightful little baby! GPs like to do a bit of spoiling and it rarely does harm.

If there are boundaries that really matter to you (IN the labour room??? Bonkers!) just remind them that you and DP want to experience this together. I suspect they'll still want to see baby early and often, so be ready to arrange visits so they don't just keep dropping in all the time.

Boundaries - now!!!

Im the same as you 8 weeks - already told my partner under no circumstances is any of either family to come into the birth until i am ready. Not being horrid but its probably the one time i will ever get alone with my"family"..hes fine with that

You100% need him on side to fight your corner too

good luck :)