Fed up with DH’s selfishness

[ResurrectedGoldfish]

Just came back from the hospital, am 28 weeks with baby 3, had pains and tightenings all last night and got significantly worse this morning. I phoned triage and they said to come in to be monitored. I contacted my husband as I don’t drive and arranged for my ds to look after the kids. I knew he’d be a dick about it, he has previous. But he was angry that he had to cancel his radio show (his hobby) and that he had to cancel a shift this evening (not his actual job, more of a favour). I knew what he’d be like, but I figured getting seen and checked was more important. So I went in, was on a monitor for a while, had an internal exam and everything is fine, just painkillers and rest needed. However, he’s just being horrible and I can’t deal with it. When we picked up the kids, he made a nasty, sarky comment along the lines of “I told you so” in front of my family who he is always rude and unpleasant to anyway. I just can’t bear it, it’s always the same. It sounds like a minor thing, but it’s really just the icing on the cake. It never never changes, and he just behaves like I’m a constant albatross round his neck and this burden he’s got to bear. I’m sick of the fucking martyrdom. I went away last week with the kids, leaving him on the house (which I have spent months trying to make into a pleasant place to be instead of a shit hole) and he’s done nothing, the house is back to chaos, in fact it’s worse. I spent most of yesterday trying to sort it. I’m so fed up and angry. Sorry for the novel, but I’ve just had enough.

He sounds like a dick tbh. If a pregnant woman is worried about her baby - for WHATEVER REASON- then she should be supported. Not made to feel like a burden. Not to mention the fact he should be keeping the house as tidy as possible so his pregnant partner doesn't have to. I'm sorry you're going through this, he sounds like a selfish man.

The fact that you even say 'it's a minor thing' makes it sounds like this has been going on far too long and you've lost sight of what is normal.

I'm 27 weeks and if I was worried and DP was anything but supportive I'd be very worried about who I was having a baby with.

Thanks for replying. I just can't deal with it anymore. I've run out of ways to communicate to him how upset it makes me. It's like I'm constantly trying to make our home a home, and he just doesn't give a shit. I'm constantly pissing against the wind and it's making feel really really down. His answer is to take the kids to his mum's so that I can do some tidying, where I know he just sits on his fucking phone while his mum entertains them. Plus I have a fucking masters dissertation to write, I'm just feeling so overwhelmed, like I constantly have to be the only parent and adult in the house.

I don’t know if now is the time given your pregnant state, etc, but sometime in the future you might want to try to visualise what life will be like in 3, 5 or 10 years if things don’t change. And then work out what you need to do. Congrats on doing the Masters with all of this on your plate too. Wishing you lots of luck and strength.

I’ve had some ongoing mental health stuff going on for years now, and I’m feeling really low. Just lying on the sofa, crying, low. I slept till half 1 today and am now on the sofa knowing I have to get up and tidy, but I just keep thinking what’s the point? It never gets any better, Im the only person who cares. I feel like such a failure cause I’m feeling like this again, when I’ve worked so hard to get better/change my life and the way I deal with things. And here I am, back again.

I’m not an expert, but as I understand it mental health issues ebb and flow. Maybe rather than focusing on getting back into an uncomfortable state you could try to focus on how well you’ve got yourself out before? It must take a hell of a lot of strength, especially given what else is going on in your life. You’ve harnessed that strength before and no doubt you will again soon. Feeling low will pass. Maybe it’s ok to rest your mind and body while you gather the strength to get better.

It really does sound as if you would be better without him. Do you think he causes your mental health problems?
Do you have any family support?

I think I’ve reached the end of what I can deal with. We just had a huge fight where he made fun of the fact I take medication for my mental health stuff, he accused me of not doing anything to help around the house, when I told him that he is terrifying when he’s angry and shouts at the kids, he replied ‘good’. There are other things but I can’t bear to go through them all. He’s made it clear that if we split up, it’s me that has to leave and he would take the house. He’s just awful when he’s like this. Childish and cruel, and I can’t live the rest of my life like this. If it didn’t mean I’d have to leave the kids, I’d have left this afternoon.

Do you want to be with him? Is there anybody you can take the kids to and go and stay with? You deserve so much more than this !

Not like this, no I don’t. When I think this is it for the rest of my life, it terrifies me. But my parents are divorced, I know what it did to me, I just can’t put my babies through that. I can see us turning into my in laws - a woman constantly ground down over decades by a cruel verbally abusive man. I don’t want that life. But I don’t want my children to suffer and have to deal with the consequences of my bad decisions. Plus, he doesn’t hit me, he doesn’t cheat on me. If one of my friends said that I’d reply “is that all you’re worth, the bare minimum of what’s acceptable in a relationship?” but it feels like if I left it would be my fault, me that tore our family apart. I do have some good friends in real life, who to be honest wouldn’t be surprised at this, in fact would probably be celebrating on the inside, but they’re going through some fairly major issues themselves, and I can’t in all good conscience burden them with this. Thank you so much for replying xxx

I did genuinely love him when we got married, I thought I was making the right decision after years of making bad ones. It drops right through my stomach that it turns out it was just another shitty one wrapped in sparkly paper. And thus time, I’ve managed to involve a 3 and 5 year old as well, not to mention the one on the way.

He called me “a fucking joke” a week or two ago

He sounds emotionally abusive, can you call Women's Aid and seek advice from them? I can't see what positives your DH brings to the party right now. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Your children will not suffer. They will suffer if they see their mother ground down by a man. And to call you "a fucking joke" is horrendous. He may not hit you, but that is still verbal abuse.

Do you honestly think that continuing to live your life like this is better for your children than separating? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is s normal way for a man to behave?

Divorce isn’t worse than living like this! And why would you have to be the one to leave? Get out while you can.

I left my ex when I was pregnant with our 3rd. He’d been verbally and emotionally abusive for a long time and the straw the broke the camels back was dragging me off the sofa by my hair. I went and stayed with my Mam in a 2 bedroom house for a few months. I felt utter relief. The kids haven’t suffered. In fact it was the best thing for them because my daughter would have grown up thinking it’s acceptable to be treated like that and my son would have thought it was acceptable to treat his partner like that.
You deserve to be happy. He sounds just like my ex, demeaning, patronising and basically breaking you.
If you have somewhere to go then please pack up your things and take the kids. It’s not easy I know, I’ve been there but the kids will be more damaged by growing up in that environment than having parents who are separated.
Please take care of yourself xx