Hi all,
I have joined Mumsnet for the express purpose of this one message and would like as much feedback as possible.
To set the scene, my sister is currently 47 and has two boys aged 17 and 15, the older of which is heading to university in a few short months. She is divorced and has been "seeing" a guy who is based abroad and she rarely sees for over a year. He has treated her with contempt mostly during this time and we, the family, have never once met him (mainly as he is never in the country). She makes excuses up for him periodically as to why he doesn't bother responding to her messages for days etc, and then occasionally states that she's done with him. So firstly, I don't like this guy...but that's really not my call.
My issue is that she has announced to me, her (younger) brother, our other younger sister, and our mum, that she wants another child at the age of 47. She says she understands the risks and still wants to try. The real issue for me, as a man, nay, as a human, is that she hasn't told the guy she's seeing that she is trying to get pregnant. I feel that he assumes she is on the pill and she hasn't told him any different deliberately. To me, this is lying by omission and a horrendous breach of trust. This guy may indeed be delighted, but I suspect, from the way he treats her, that he would run a mile and isn't ready (he's much younger), or doesn't even want a child.
I worry she is suffering from the thought of and "empty nest" and has fixated on wanting to be a mother again. She says she always wanted three or four kids and while I understand that, she has two healthy boys, who themselves could begin families shortly at their age.
I worry she hasn't fully considered the complications and risks. A quick search stated the risk to any child conceived at 45 of Down's is 1 in 30. At 48, which she would be by the time of birth would surely be a lot higher.
The risk to her health and complications would also be fairly high, even with advancements in medicine over recent years. While she might accept the risk to her, I wonder if she has fully considered the risk and ramifications to her sons and the rest of the family and friends if something happened.
Furthermore, additional risks to health concern me, namely that in order to try and get pregnant, obviously no protection is being used and therefore she runs the risks of various STIs and STDs from this chap, who seems less than bothered about her.
She's due to buy a last minute plane ticket to see him next week due to her cycle at a cost of over £1,000! To my knowledge she doesn't have this kind of money lying about and so I worry she's just whacking it on the credit card as her view seems to be that she wants this, it's her choice, and it's certainly cheaper than IVF.
I want to confront her more solidly with my concerns, but I don't want to destroy our relationship. As a younger brother, I don't feel she will listen to me, even though I am nearly 37. If anyone has any advice or facts/figures etc to help me highlight the risks, I would appreciate it. I was even worried her "plan" might be illegal, but I don't think it is from a quick Google search.
All thoughts welcome please.