Over three years ago I had an abortion with my ex boyfriend which I don't feel I ever got over. I wanted to keep it but I felt it was unfair to raise a baby with a father who didn't want it.
He put A LOT of extreme pressure on me to terminate the pregnancy, which he still carries guilt to this day.
My anger and heartbreak was the direct cause of the end of the relationship, however we have never really managed to cut ties, we have a strong connection (partially cemented in shared trauma; my abortion had complications) and despite many many attempts to go no contact we always find ourselves back together.
We got back together again recently, and the first time we had sex; BAM PREGNANT. I've done two early tests and they're both strong positives. I'm guessing I'm about 2 weeks since conception.
He's being okay, there for me, and not.pressuring me or anything and I've been clear that I wanna keep the baby.
However he has said that he will support me throughout my.pregnancy by being there when I need him, coming to scans, signing the birth certificate. After the birth though he said he doesn't want to be involved and he won't ever meet the child.
He said this is because he doesn't want kids, or to be a father.
He's still acting super loving and sweet with me so my brain can't process the info properly. I cried for hours when he told me and then we just slipped back into our normal couple routine.
I don't know what to do. I feel kind of excited and happy about the baby but I'm scared to raise it alone. I have family and friends but I know I had 2 parents who loved me and I feel guilty to not give that to the baby.
The idea of having an abortion seems very distressing although also the easy way out short term. However long term i feel like I would have even more regrets than last time; because I swore and promised myself that I'd never ever do that again.
I just feel really sorry for the baby. I worry that I'm not enough on my own for the child, that I wouldn't be able to cope. And what about when it's older and it asks about its dad? I don't know how to tell it "he lives walking distance away but he doesn't want to meet you"
When I brought these things up he said he thinks I'm amazing and strong and intelligent and loving and I'll be able to do a fantastic job without him.
I'm 30 years old, and he's 37. I've just finished studying my counselling course and am about to start a dream job. He's in construction and a writer with a big supportive Irish family. Some of my friends have said "he will come round to the idea" but I feel it's not good to hedge my bets. I'm also concerned that this would be the end of my career and me and baby would have to live in poverty. We live in the UK though where healthcare and benefits is much better than the US (for the time being...)
He's already said he doesn't have anything to contribute financially, but wierdly has said that if I want another baby at any point he would be happy to "give" me siblings for this one.
Despite this yesterday he asked me to have an abortion as he feels I'm being silly and stubborn because the timing is so bad.
Can I have some perspectives?